The Enchanter
Big Data the Holy Grail
Toward the end of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Arthur and his court continue to struggle in their quest. Arthur, like any resourceful corporate executive, turns to a consultant.
ARTHUR: What manner of man are you that can conjure up fire without flint or tinder?
TIM: I am an enchanter.
ARTHUR looks at BEDEVERE.
ARTHUR: By what name are you known?
TIM: There are some who call me Tim?
Tim is the perfect consultant. He makes big flashy explosions. Impressive! He gets things done without resources. And he has new and useful information.
But Tim, as any good Enchanter would, warns that the task will not be easy. His availability is in question, his help has caveats, and there are many dangers for the team.
TIM looks thoughtful and they all stand around a little. Then TIM produces another fire trick producing several different colors.
ARTHUR: Look, you’re a busy man …
TIM: Yes, I can help you with your quest.
Slight pause.
ALL OTHER KNIGHTS: Thank you. Yes, thank you very much.
TIM: To the north there lies a cave, the cave of Caerbannog, wherein, carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged …
There is a thunderclap and a wind starts. The KNIGHTS get nervous.
TIM: … make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.
ARTHUR: How shall we find this cave, O Tim?
TIM: Follow!
The KNIGHTS register delight and wheel round on themselves.
TIM: But follow only if you are men of valor. For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a monster, a creature so foul and cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair … therefore sweet knights if you may doubt your strength or courage come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty pointy teeth.
+ ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance!
It is important to note that Tim is NOT making this up. Similar to Sir Lancelot, he is simply engaged in a bit of flourish and salesmanship. But Arthur, in typical fashion, is oblivious to the dangers of which Tim warns.
They all turn, and see a large white RABBIT lollop a few yards out of the cave. Accompanied by terrifying chord and jarring metallic monster noise.
ARTHUR: Where?
TIM: There.
ARTHUR: Behind the rabbit?
TIM: It is the rabbit.
ARTHUR: … You silly sod.
TIM: What?
ARTHUR: You got us all worked up.
BEDEVERE: You cretin!
TIM: That is not an ordinary rabbit … ’tis the most foul cruel and bad-tempered thing you ever set eyes on.
ROBIN: I soiled my armor I was so scared!
TIM: That rabbit’s got a vicious streak. It’s a killer!
In typical Monty Python fashion, the rabbit will turn out to be all Tim claims it to be. Arthur loses several knights trying to defeat it and is eventually forced to explosives. Thy Holy Hand Grenade.
In the Big Data world, consultants like Tim are often the only analysts willing to tell the truth. The fact is, they have little to lose and even less reason to buy into typical corporate fantasies. But, because they are outsiders, their guidance is often dismissed by others for the exact same reasons.
In the end, even Tim’s sage advise and guidance is not enough to make Arthur’s quest successful. In the film, the surviving knights are arrested by London police. In our corporation, we can call this the legal department… or maybe government regulators.
And thus, just like the film, our tale ends quite abruptly…
