Hitchhiker’s Guide to Analytics — Deep Thought
Even the second greatest computer in the universe of time and space has its limits
Continuing our journey through the galaxy, we move from the unsavory (and probably unethical) workings of Megadodo Publications and their wildly inaccurate Guide to a group of hyper-intelligent, pan-dimensional beings who got so fed up with the constant bickering about the meaning of life that they decided to sit down and solve their problems once and for all.
Spoiler alert: it didn’t work. The mice were furious.
Tangent alert: I was briefly involved in an online conversation over the weekend about the role of technology in analytics. We were discussion whether or not Business Intelligence is “IT-centric”.
Tangential spoiler alert: it’s not.
“But”, I can hear some of you whispering from the farthest corners of space because you didn’t properly mute your laptop microphones, “we need our BI software. Complex mathematics. Algorithms and regression and statistics.”
Sorry. It all starts to blur together after a bit.
Deep Thought
Deep Thought was built to be the ultimate analytic machine. Its builders were not fooling around. They were looking for the Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. And they built a computer that could calculate it.
Even without its data banks connected, it started with “I think, therefore I am” and got so far as to deduce the existence of income tax and rice pudding before anyone managed to turn it off.
Deep Thought was easily smart enough to do the job, but that’s not why it’s on my list.
It was more powerful than the Milliard Gargantubrain at Maximegalon, which can count all the atoms in a star in a millisecond.
It was a greater analyst than the Googleplex Star Thinker in the Seventh Galaxy of Light and Ingenuity, which can calculate the trajectory of every single dust particle throughout a five-week Dangrabad Beta sand blizzard.
It was smarter by far than its programmers, although that is admittedly somewhat less impressive.
It was the second most powerful computer in the Universe of Time and Space.
We’re going to keep talking about just great it was. And then we’re going to review how this exemplar of Information Technology, perfect for Business Intelligence, demonstrates just how data architecture and analytics require more than sophisticated software and artificial intelligence.
Clarifying Requirements
Deep Thought would not accept its task until clarifying the requirements. Its programmers, Fook and Lunkwill, stated that they wanted the Answer.
“The Answer?” Deep Thought replied. “The Answer to what?”
“Life!” urged Fook. “The Universe!” said Lunkwill. “Everything!” they said in chorus.
Deep Thought paused for a moment’s reflection. “Tricky,” he said finally.
“But can you do it?”
Again, a significant pause. “Yes,” said Deep Thought, “I can do it.”
Every analyst should be precisely this adamant at clarifying requirements.
You and I know that asking for “the Answer” to Life, the Universe, and Everything is a fool’s errand. So did Deep Thought. But it did have enough information to proceed.
Once that requirement was met, its circuits were irrevocably committed to the task. The AI had its mission.
Timelines
When asked how long it would take to calculate the Answer, Deep Thought smoothly replied “seven and a half million years”. It knew its timeline. It would not negotiate because there was nothing to negotiate.
As human beings, we do not have the luxury of knowing the time required for a task with that level of certainty. We also don’t usually have the option to be quite so inflexible.
We give estimates based on experience, intuition, and guesswork. Sometimes, we work with deadlines that are determined without our input and outside of our control. We adapt.
It is, nonetheless, perfectly reasonable to hold your ground in the planning stages when you know that a proposed timeline is totally unrealistic or would require unreasonable time commitments from you or your team.
User Engagement
When the project was challenged, Deep Thought not only defended its task but also convinced his detractors to support him by showing them how the project could work to their advantage. Be an advocate for your own work.
Deep Thought’s quest for the Answer was challenged by two philosophers, Majikthise and Vroomfondel. Its success threatened their livelihood.
“You just let the machines get on with the adding up, and we’ll take care of the eternal verities, thank you very much. You want to check your legal position, you do, mate. Under law, the Quest for Ultimate Truth is quite clearly the inalienable prerogative of your working thinkers. Any bloody machine goes and actually finds it and we’re straight out of a job, aren’t we? I mean, what’s the use of our sitting up half the night arguing that there may or may not be a God if this machine only goes and gives you his bleeding phone number the next morning?”
Majikthise is made to look like a fool in this scene, and he makes a rather foolish point. Rather than arguing that point, Deep Thought finds a way to appeal to his obvious self-interest and get the philosophers engaged.
“I said I’d have to think about it, didn’t I? And it occurs to me that running a program like this is bound to create an enormous amount of popular publicity for the whole area of philosophy in general. Everyone’s going to have their own theories about what answer I’m eventually going to come up with, and who better to capitalize on that media market than you yourselves? So long as you can keep disagreeing with each other violently enough and maligning each other in the popular press, and so long as you have clever agents, you can keep yourselves on the gravy train for life.”
Up to this point, we don’t actually know whether these beings were familiar with the idea of punditry. But we do know that Majikthise and Vroomfondel walked out of that room and into a lifestyle beyond their wildest dreams.
Results
After the requisite seven and a half million years, two descendants of Majikthise and Vroomfondel arrived to hear Deep Thought deliver the Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. Everyone today knows what it said.
It didn’t go over too well.
“We’re going to get lynched, aren’t we?”
“It was a tough assignment,” Deep Thought replied mildly.
Deep Thought insisted that its answer was correct and had been checked quite thoroughly.
Deep Thought also knew what kind of reaction to expect when the Answer was delivered, and it had already planned the next phase of the project that would be necessary.
When pressed further about the meaning of the Answer, Deep Thought gave the perfect response.
“The problem, I think, is that none of you know the actual question.”
I could easily write an article on the importance of correctly defining the question. I have. I will again. I have a relevant quote posted at my desk. But I am really trying to stay on track, so I’ll write about the Question another day.
Deep Thought then delivered its plan to calculate the Question, which would require a computer whose merest operational parameters it was not worthy to calculate, but it was willing to design.
The missing factor, according to Deep Thought, was organic life.
In Summary
Deep Thought was (and always has been, always will be, and additionally wiollen haven been) the second greatest computer in the universe of Time and Space. It fielded the project requirements, clarified them, and delivered the required answer.
So how does that prove that Business Intelligence is not IT-centric?
Two things. First, every action Deep Thought took that made it perfect for its task was well beyond the reach of any BI technology in our world.
- It clarified the requirements.
- It established a timeline, got users to agree, and finished on schedule.
- It got the users engaged and showed them how they would benefit.
- It delivered the results as promised and fulfilled every requirement.
With everything done perfectly and 7.5 million years invested, the results were, for all practical purposes, useless to its creators. They were apparently useful to the rest of the galaxy; even Siri agrees that 42 is the Answer.
Deep Thought responded to its programmers’ request and did everything perfectly, and it knew that they would not be able to use its Answer for any practical purpose.
Business Intelligence is not IT-centric because the technology does not need the results. It doesn’t interpret the results. It doesn’t benefit from the results.
Business Intelligence is only relevant when it is useful. Technology, no matter how cool, is only a tool to help us achieve it.
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