Why are you smiling? He sat across from her at the dinner table. She stared into his eyes smiling wryly but inside she was quivering with anticipation.
Is this the straw? Are we going to move forward together or is now the time I will have to use my backup plan?
The anxiety between both of them became more magnetic as they sat in silence wondering what the other was thinking, while only residual mistrust swelled, filling the space between them. Eventually, the argument ensues, the insults fly, and the accusations of infidelity and dishonesty quake apart the foundation of their relationship.
I can’t believe you have been hiding money from me!
Where did things go wrong?
Conversations about finances are always tough, but adding romance into the mix only makes them tougher. Think about those lessons you learn as a kid. Most parents advise their children, male or female, to make sure there is always and exit strategy or money put away for hard times. In a marriage, it’s normally a team effort. So what happens when discover your partner hid money away without telling you?
You begin to notice when the two of you argue about money, she acts unconcerned. Eventually, the tensions escalate and you find yourself in a full-scale blow-out. You tell her you to do everything you can to make her happy, up to and including, buying the things she wants.
She smiles that smile you know leads to bad news.
I don’t need you to do anything for me, sweetie.
Your wife has been stashing cash on the back end, in a “rainy day account”. Now you understand why every time you screw up she smiles. It wasn’t just the fact you didn’t know what was going on in your home, but you believed monetary control meant you controlled the dynamics of your relationship.
You realize maybe she smiles because she knows she will double her deposit this week, and you allowed yourself to bathe in conceit and are no longer capable of reading your own relationship barometer. She has a backup account/plan that doesn’t include you.
This account is also known as “he’s got me fucked up/ I have to show him a thing or two/ I don’t need you because I have my own shit account”. Perhaps the last bit is an exaggeration, perhaps not. I do believe it is the reason for establishing an “on-shore Swiss-wife account”.
You are you pissed
Where do you go from here? You realize this is the end of what was once a healthy relationship, and you acknowledge your part in it. You want your ex to be secure because she is still the mother of your children.
Do you ignore the fact you are lawfully entitled to half of the money or do you demand your portion?
The situation is two-fold. She should keep her independence and individuality gained through her savings, but she should not have a secret account.
As her husband, you are entitled to half of the money. She was only able to save because you contributed to the overall financial situation. After all, separate does is not equal to secret.
Key points to help you avoid this issue in your current or future relationships.
- Never let anyone convince you that you don’t need to make/ keep a portion of your own money.
- Do not become accustomed to a lifestyle you can’t provide for yourself
Keep one eye on the prize and the other one on your relationship.
- Don’t enter relationships with anyone who does not represent the goals you have for yourself, but remember you must also possess those qualities.
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