Christmas Wish Lists For The University of Florida Football Team
It’s late in the afternoon when with a big huff, Santa finally plops down in his favorite red leather chair for a break.
He had had a busy morning. First some ‘Elfbola’ nonsense caused a commotion down at the elf factory and now rumors of unrest among the reindeer were turning his beard grey.
Mrs. Claus had already gone out to the mailbox to fetch a fresh batch of letters from the many boys and girls eagerly awaiting the 25th of December, and a handful were awaiting him by his chair.
Santa eyed the top letter, addressed to him from Gainesville, Florida with a Gator stamp and sighed deeply. He had been receiving a mountain of mail about the small, college town ever since the University of Florida had experienced another tumultuous football season, and few letters were wishing for the usual mix of iPads and GoPros. He peeled open the letter and began reading.
“It’s me, Victor, the number one Gator fan in all of Jacksonville! First off, thanks again for getting me all the movies I asked for and that Gator hat last year, it made me feel like the coolest kid in all of Lakeside Junior High!
I’m really hoping you can come through again for me this year Santa. You see, I for one had a soft spot for good ol’ Will Muschamp. He may have made a lot of crazy faces and punched the air a few times too many, but I liked his style. But just like me and Summer Jacobi, the hottest girl in 8th grade, things just didn’t work out.
But now we’ve got this McElwain guy and he seems to really be a stocking stuffer for everyone over in Gainesville, and I’m excited! He may have helped Nick Saban (who I hope you have some coal for) make Tebow cry in the 2009 SEC Championship as Bama’s offensive coordinator when they put up 490 yards of offense against us, but the past is the past.
Jimbo Fisher was another former Saban offensive coordinator, but it’s time FSU stops getting all these presents in the 4th quarter and UF gets some gifts.
What I really want for Christmas this year Santa, is for McElwain to make his McEl-mark on campus. I’m looking for more than just points on the board and wins on the record column. I know he took Colorado State from three consecutive 3–9 seasons and turned them into a 10–2 powerhouse by his third season, but I’m talking about caring about his players like Denzel Washington while helping them grow like Gene Hackman.
I want him to have the sideline demeanor of a coach in the zone and in control, but always look ready to hop in the game himself like Burt Reynolds.
You get what I’m saying Santa? McElwain needs to McEl-win the games, McEl-gain recruits and bring the McEl-pain to other teams, so that he can laugh all the way to the bowl games he’s gonna bring us.
I know you’ll come through for me Santa. You obviously let Jeremy Foley pick out his presents, so now it’s my turn to do the rest. Thanks again big man!”
Go Gators!
Victor
Santa put down the letter and reached for his glass of milk. He certainly hadn’t missed Mr. Foley’s eager request, but he had been meaning to get around to opening the letter he had received from the Muschamp fellow.
He decided he would have a word with the elves about what they could cook up in the coaching department as he reached for the next letter and opened it up.
“Draw up the middle for 1–2 yards.
Screen pass to the left for 4 yards.
Incomplete pass that wouldn’t have even been enough for a first down anyway.
Punt (occasionally blocked).
You know that guy who applied for the University of North Dakota coaching job? His three-play Hail Mary playbook would be more inspired than what we’ve seen under Muschamp and his revolving door of coordinators.
I don’t want a lot for Christmas, Santa. I’ve got scholarships to cover my schooling and parents to cover everything else.
I just want an offense that isn’t afraid of first downs or points aside from 45-yard field goals after drives that go for negative yardage after starting in the red zone.
Maybe only Hail Mary passes is over the top. I’ll settle for a coach and quarterback combo that isn’t afraid of throwing more than 6.7, 7.8 or 5.6 yards per attempt. What about running Four Verticals every now and then?
Santa, I’m desperate.
Can our linemen at least not block each other?
Or snap the ball when the quarterback isn’t looking?
I’m begging, you, Santa. Please. It’s bad enough that the Gators are struggling, but for that school up north, with that quarterback who deserves nothing but coal, to succeed at the same time?
It’s heartbreaking.
I’m not asking for a miracle. I’m just asking for hope from our next quarterback.
And hope’s the greatest gift of all.”
Say hi to Rudolph for me,
Allen Bert, 4JM
Santa took off his reading glasses and rubbed his eyes. He hadn’t expected this many letters from the Gator faithful, but he knew he couldn’t disappoint them, especially after that South Carolina loss. Losing to the old ball coach at home…
Three more orange and blue letters awaited his attention as he adjusted his glasses and tore open the next envelope.
“Mom and Dad always say to just ignore that nonsense but it’s tough. I honestly don’t understand why my classmates are so stupid. I mean come on, you’re seniors in high school! How could Santa not be real? Oh well, guess you’ll just have to fill your bag with extra coal for those losers.
Anyways, it’s been a rough year as a Gator fan, so I’m counting on you Saint Nick. Besides barely beating Kentucky and Tennessee this season, there are not many positives that came from this past year. Things seem to be turning around though with this new guy Jim McElwain. An offensive mind that has been on multiple national championship teams and can wreak havoc on a defense. Can’t wait to welcome him aboard.
Now that we have an offensive mind though, you’ve got me a little worried. The most important part of a championship football team, and oddly enough former coach Muschamp’s single biggest area of expertise, is defense.
The most important part of the defense though is the players, and boy do we have still some killers on this team. Muschamp was a great recruiter, able to reel in twenty 4-stars and two 5-stars to the Gator nation in 2013, one of the most successful recruiting classes in a long time for the orange and blue.
My Christmas list has to include an improvement on our recruiting too Santa. If Coach McElwain is able to get the job done, I want to see upwards of five 5-stars and more than twenty 4-stars filling out our roster within the next two years.
With the credentials that Coach McElwain has, along with the strong probability of keeping most of our defensive coaching staff intact, my biggest wish is for more and more juggernauts in recruiting.
Just imagine an entire defensive line full of Dante Fowlers and their accompanying Chuckie dolls stepping on the turf at The Swamp. Their defensive stance would resemble that of a serial killer wielding a steak knife at the top of a stairwell and the resulting fear that would come from our opponents would be laughable.
Now Santa, this may be a bit of a reach for you to duplicate a bunch of Dante’s, but I do ask that you do your very best with finding the guys that can resemble something of this twisted scenario inside the mind of a 17-year-old (who loves you a lot).
I’ll miss Muschamp in many ways, but most importantly, I’ll miss his defense. My biggest Christmas wish is simple: can coach McElwain please keep our elite SEC defense alive? I would love to take our defense from last year, ranked 11th overall in the nation and 3rd in the SEC and build it up, ready to emerge back into the top 10. This past year’s team allowed 120 plays of 10+ yards. Keeping that number under 100 would make our defense be top in the nation.
Now obviously our new coach has some offensive experience in the SEC under the Antichrist Nick Saban, but McElwain is coming straight out of the Mountain West conference.
Do you know what football is like there? The top-tier quarterbacks from there don’t even compete with Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite.
He’s gotta be ready for a few more high-octane offenses than he usually faced, but that’s where you come in with the defense Santa!
Now Santa. I put up with a lot of crap throughout the holiday season for believing in you. The least you can do is bring my Gator football back to dominance. Pretty please? With icing on top? Ill be sure to leave out extra sugar cookies for you this coming Christmas.
Merry Christmas,
Jake
P.S. did you know my dad also likes the same cookies as you! Weird, huh?
“Weird indeed,” thought Santa as he munched on another cookie. Mrs. Claus would probably be rustling up food soon, but he was a sucker for sugar cookies.
He had always been concerned for the Fowler boy after asking for that doll, but he was glad to see it being put to good use. He mused about the Gator’s secondary in the 4–3 as he flipped to the next letter.
“I mean we’re losing Dr. Andre Debose. That guy holds the record for kickoff returns for touchdowns! C’mon man, he averaged almost 25 yards a kick return the year after he returned from an injury! Some guys are even so scared of touchin’ him, they just fall over!
Kyle Christy’s also leavin’, so where does that leave us? A two-time Ray Guy Award candidate just up and graduatin’?! Paul, I mean, Santa, please bring us somethin’ to look forward to.
We’re also losin’ hometown hero Mike McNeely. This guy works at Publix. HE WORKS AT PUBLIX,
PAWWWLLL. He got that ball game against Georgia rollin’ with that fake field goal. That guy’s been getting’ cheered on ever since. DID I MENTION HE WORKS AT PUBLIX?!
Now Santa Finebaum, dangit, Claus, we know that this situation with our kickin’ operations been in a pickle for the past couple years since Caleb Sturgis went to the Dolphins. I mean c’mon, why didn’t Boom find us someone completely reliable ‘til this season? The kicker’s spot was as wide open in the spring as the quarterback slot.
Now we got Francisco Velez finally makin’ some kicks and he’s graduatin’ too! You remember Austin Hardin, Paul? That dude only hit 4 of 12 field goals last year and only 7 of 10 this year! I mean, that’s an improvement, but it still ain’t great. He ain’t been in enough to prove himself.
Paul, I just want some more improvement from this guy. I don’t even know what to expect from this team anymore, but I need somethin’ to believe in. some teams ain’t even got that.
Dear 8 pound, 6 ounce, newborn infant Santa, I mean — Paul, please let this next Gators team get some of this stuff. We need some fast, fun and hard playin’ fellers here in the Swamp. Paul, you know we love you down here even though you don’t know our culture all that well.
Thanks for all you do Paul!
Love, I mean, sincerely yours,
Gene Short
P.s. I love your show.
P.p.s. Your book changed my life.
P.p.p.s. Follow me on twitter @jortsjortsjorts
Santa had no idea what he had just read, but he heard his wife calling him.
“Honey, lunch is ready,” Mrs. Claus called from the kitchen.
“Be there in a minute, just one more letter to read for now,” Santa called back.
He picked up the last letter of the bunch and began to read.
“A few weeks ago, my mommy and daddy took me to my first Florida Gators football game. They were playing a team called the Missouri Tigers. It was so much fun! There were so many people dressed in bright orange and blue clothes! People were cooking food and playing games everywhere. Lots of people were drinking out of brown bottles. I was thirsty but daddy said I had to wait until I was older to drink from the bottles.
My favorite part was that I got to take a picture with Albert and Alberta the alligators! I was a little scared of them, but they didn’t bite. Too hard.
I had fun, but lot of other people were sad or angry because the Gators didn’t win. The other team scored a lot more points. All the people yelled a lot of words that I hadn’t heard before. My daddy told me to cover my ears.
I got really sad when all the people started yelling bad things about our players. They even cheered when one of the players got hurt! Daddy said the quarterback wasn’t playing well and they wanted someone else to play.
Then a lot of people started yelling to fire the coach.
This made me kind of scared. Mommy told me that getting fired means you don’t have a job anymore. The daddy of a friend I had at daycare got fired from his work so they had to move away. They didn’t have enough money to stay living here.
Getting fired sounds like it’s a very bad thing. A few days ago, I heard my dad say that the coach did get fired. I don’t know why so many people would want a bad thing to happen to a person and his family.
Santa, for Christmas I want people to be nicer to other people, even if they’re not doing their job so well. Someone might be playing bad or coaching bad, but no one should be happy when a person gets hurt or tell someone they should lose their job.
If fans are supposed to cheer, then doesn’t booing their own team mean they’re not doing good at their job either?
Santa, in one of the songs everybody sang at the game, they said they all stuck together in all kinds of weather. For Christmas, I want people to start doing that again! Thank you Santa!”
Your friend,
Emily
Santa finished the letter and sat thoughtfully for a bit before tucking the letter into his pocket. Sometimes it took the perspective and innocence of a child to serve as a reminder about what is important in life.
He shuffled straight past the kitchen towards his workshop, already envisioning the work that lay ahead.
“Gator fans are going to need a bigger tree,” he thought to himself.
Written by Jonathan Arnholz, Logan Ladnyk, Jay Martin, Ryan Rosenbaum & Lucas Wilson
