Bluebird
It’s great to be a man isn’t it? We don’t go through the painful birthing of another human, our bodies are designed to withstand heavy items, we do not bleed unless we are hurt, and even then we do our best to deny it, we have less expectation from society on how we should look than women, and we have a long line in history of being in charge of society, great! Now here we are in 2016, over the decades society has evolved, largely for the better, roles have diverged, regardless of whether you can change a tire in the middle of a highway or can start a fire.. you don’t really get a large punishment for not being able to complete those tasks, people are people regardless of sex, when we take sexuality, and physicality out of the equation, we are all essentially the same, bone, flesh, blood, brain and heart, our capabilities are mostly limited by how passionately we want them.
Lets talk about something you may not want to talk about, your mind; For those of us who have experienced the affects of mental health in relationships or in ourselves you may understand the impact it can have in your life and others around you, there is still a large number of people who disregard mental health as a frivolous topic, as something to describe as simply “weakness” or designed by pharmaceutical companies to “sell drugs”, regardless of what you may think, its real, its a part of life, it’s a part of society, people suffer and its time we talk about it, the numbers in suicide and depression in men is much higher, in Australia 7 people die from suicide each year and 5 of those are men, women are generally more prone to suffer depression, but when it comes to suicide.. in the UK alone the rate was 1.9 times more than women in the 80's and it has tripled since.. but this is increasingly reaching younger and younger men, depression is a huge problem for everyone, for people who have lived with discrimination, abuse and other factors including genetic.. its listed by the World Health Organization as the fourth leading cause of disability worldwide... but how many of us knew that? how many of us care? regardless, our topic here is men, and enough of stats.
We have been raised by generation after generation that taught us to hide our feelings, to never cry, to never show weakness and although things have changed, it is still ingrained in our minds, that we are not allowed to show weakness, we are fed film after film about strong tough guys who save the world, but have no feelings, or feel no pain, they are shot, leaping across a balcony while knocking the other guy out, then grabbing their love interest, kissing her... not before stealing a boat... away from some coastal scenic spot. Leaving a trail of destruction.. but he is a man.. he doesn’t need to care all too much… It will fix it everything, being a hero, being strong, taking what you think the audience thinks you want, well as silly as it sounds, thats how a lot of young men think they have to be, when I lived in London, I met a younger man who was severely depressed and he decided to talk about it, share it with his friends... and his friends where increasingly making fun of him for being gay, spitting out homophobia as if the sexuality you chose meant your feminine, therefore: not a man.. we all know how pathetic this is (and If you don’t know that you really need to take a long look at yourself), but here lies the issue, the idea of what a man is supposed to be or rather, thinks he needs to be.
This generation is very different from that of their fathers and forefathers, we now take care of our image, our bodies, we have endless magazines and news articles on working your core, how to become bigger, better, stronger, more attractive, more successful, more charming, more confident.. more powerful, we feel the preasure to become a brand, rather than a person, because of course, who you are is seemingly never enough, although self-improvement is great.. and a large part of makes a person strong.. you can get caught into the habit of wanting more and more. The media is created to sell, and if you keep buying, they will create more to sell… you may think.. “it’s never enough”.
Previous generations were almost the complete opposite, worrying about your looks was not what a man did, as long as you appeared professional, clean and neutral to most topics, supported your household.. but raised your fist to anyone who challenged you, that was enough, you were a man, job done. “Shut up and get on with it”. So then.. nothing could hurt us, unless it was physical, and if it wasn't, well then, you know the answer to what you were not. Now we are living a culture where we are simply weak by default and not good enough unless we constantly sell ourselves as better than the next guy and continue to add more, the older generation went through financial depressions, wars and the world was a lot less populated and competitive, the expectation of creating and having a family forced men to never face their demons, they were too busy building bridges, mixing cement, and had too much responsibility and control to even consider that feeling sad was normal... the next next generation to some extent felt the burdon and the guilt.. because as we dabble in the discussion now, they had none, they had no choice, they would go along with their frustrations their traumas and perhaps it allowed them to endure mental illness more than this generation.
I guess by now you can see where I’m going with this; life is not always easy, events take place that change us, define us and for some we are unlucky to simply be born with a chemical imbalance, in some cases it can just be a lack of events that can trigger an extreme sadness, yet still in todays world there are still men growing up thinking its wrong to feel depressed, anxious or lost, because you have to be strong, because you have to keep it in, you have to fight it internally, or never at all, impossible.. but thats why we are here, with a growing rate.
Women have had it tougher overall, they were seen as second class citizens or products for a vast majority of our civilization, in our modern times, they fought hard to be able to vote, to challenge expectations, they fought (and are) fighting to have equal rights.. and equal pay, the generalisation that they couldn’t have a career and where not completely worthwhile in society if they weren’t married and stayed at home in the 40's through to the 50's, we know all this, the world evolves, men’s roles have changed, its also now OK for us to be stay-at-home dads, you do not need to to walk around clean shaven with a Fedora and a briefcase, but there are aspects of our sex that have not evolved, we have not adapted fluently as a society, in this world you can be anything you want, you can love anyone you want and you can feel whatever you feel freely, that should be our given right as human beings, leaving free our personalities to roam as they are without being locked to a role or a sex.
So how does this change? Not everyone who feels the blues can understand it, and not everyone who’s struggling to deal with their emotions can come to terms with it, the idea of strength is a human trait, not a “manly” one. Being open and accepting that you are sad and maybe you don’t know why or that it’s causing you grief because you don’t feel like you should talk about it, is NOT strength, saying you are OK, when you are not, is not OK, of course you cant go around saying everything in your mind by commonality, but denying it, is unhealthy, there is a big line between being negative, positive and being honest, strength is honesty and whatever sex you may be shouldn’t hold you back from being able to let out your fears, and simply express that you might need to exhale some thoughts and work them through.
You can still be an action hero, you can still change that tyre, or make that fire, you can still become whatever you want to be or need to be, but do not convince yourself that a mental illness or depression is excluded from being dealt with because you are a man, you’ve heard many lines many times that start with “It takes a strong man to..” strength has many forms.
We need to evolve, stop trying to pretend we don’t feel and be able to do it and still be strong, We are brothers, fathers, uncles, friends, sons, we are husbands, boyfriends, we are more than just sperm providers, heavy lifters, security guards, UFC fighters, pilots, constructions workers, we are like everyone else who has strengths and weaknesses, you can be any man you want to be, but accept that you are human first, the one man who has fought in the army or has survived a much tougher life..has dealt a much bigger card and has come out a strong defiant man..or perhaps a troubled one.. but the one who has generally had a decent life but has found himself, stuck in mind maze of questions and answers is stuck.. because he hasn’t gone through that hard life he does feel his blues are not justified.. he feels guilty for feeling this way.. he doesn’t feel strong he doesn’t feel like a man in his image.. should be.
Lets talk about someone, we will call him Johnny for this article, Johnny was talented, smart and a very kind young man, but he was deeply sad on the inside, he had a tough-as-nails father, who’s idea of love was your standard though-love, if he was heartbroken over someone, “Stop crying and get over it”, if he lost his job, “Stop whining and get over it”, it wasn’t enough for Johnny he still found the sadness around him, when he got the job, the life.. the dream partner.. many times and was back at square one.. he had moments of happiness but always went back to the same old, dark clouds hovering above him. He was smart, he knew he suffered from depression, he didnt know where it came from or why, but he knew, he thought because of it someone would leave him and his father didn’t listen to him when he said he had a condition, that he wasn’t a real man, he knew he needed to make some changes, he tried to talk to friends, and they tried to help with advice, with positive words, but nothing did it, he couldn’t shake it off, eventually like a lot of people do out of pleasure, hurt, addiction or boredom delve into drugs, he found that happiness he was seeking, he knew it was synthetic.. yet beautiful, it took him to a high, the pain went away momentarily.. after years of dabbling in drugs, he decided it was too much.. he started feeling fake.. the highs and lows.. just didnt cut it.. and he convinced himself he thought he was fine as he became so tired with the ups and downs, he jsut lied to himself and others and said he was better... he thought he was adjusting to a normal state of mind.. his father didn’t know about the drug usage, but wasn’t worried because he thought.. “he’s not complaining so he must be ok”
Don’t be mistaken, his father wasn’t a bad person, he’s just from that other generation, trained to repress talking about issues, he loved his son with everything and he thought he was helping by being tough on him… overtime he began to think there was no cure, and no one could help him, not even the drugs helped.. because the fact is.. he wanted reality not fantasy, and he didn’t feel like he could have it, it made him feel insecure, his work lost its spark, his connections began to dwindle, these clouds above him were so heavy, not even the drugs worked, one day, out of the blue, he decided to intentionally overdose himself and leave this world, no letter, no warning, just a simple goodbye, everyone was shocked, the fun, talented smart boy we all knew, just said goodbye, some said they thought this would happen, others had no idea, but thats the thing isn’t it?; when something is hidden so deep in its core, its viewpoints only reach the surface, the worst hit by this, was his father, after a short period finding out he did drugs and blaming it on the drugs.. he realized he stopped taking them months prior to his demise.. and only began using them in the last days.. it became tricky to find something to blame.. he blamed himself, he hated himself, and suddenly fell into a deep depression of his own, understandably, lost his only son, its unimaginable losing a child for those of us who haven’t, loosing someone to an accident, an illness, a war, maybe would have made sense, it wouldn’t make it easier, but we understood it.. we knew why it happened, it would have been just as painful, but someone you have raised, someone you know is living their life.. from one day to not the next.. out of their choosing.. to say goodbye, without saying goodbye was incredibly overwhelming, perplexing. I’m not even sure there is a full dictionary of words to describe it. But.. Johnny was a good guy, and regardless of what kind of person he was, its always sad when someone goes through such a hidden harsh instrument of science and society
So, could Johnny’s demise have been prevented? perhaps, there are organizations in place researching and helping young adults with mental disorders and we are slowly accepting more options and therapies. There is common statements about why mental health gets put aside, that if you break a leg you go straight to the hospital, get a cast, take a painkiller and wait until it gets better, you go to an emergency room and you fix yourself, if you have a scratch, put a band aid on.. disinfect it.. because we are so focused on our external appearance our physical function, our desire or even pressure to be out there in the world and compete in it and be the best… “if you can’t see it.. it doesn’t matter”, “it can be sorted later”, “just need a drink.. just need some time”, “just need to be positive”, “it’s not a disease” “all you have to do is smile and pretend” etc..
I can’t help but wonder if we were raised in a society in the near future that understood the importance of mental health as much as physical health, we would grow up to accept ourselves more, learn better skills in supporting each other, understand that strength applies to everything we do, to the words we say, the way we deal with failure, despair, the actions we take, the decisions we make.. not just the things we lift, the way we look, what group we belong to, or the way we sell ourselves. This is, has always been and always will be a problem, but I think its time for us to stop denying young men being lost in stereotypes, expectations and lack of direction from opening themselves up, and letting them think they are weak for going through something they cannot escape from, trusting that it’s human to be sad and maybe you have a better chance to break free of it if your not alone and you can discover ways of getting through it. You do not need to be on the cover of Forbes or Men’s Health, you do not have to be lost alone, you do not need to hide, you do not need to be ashamed, you do not have to struggle, you are and always will be a man, but remember you are a human being first.
Related Links
If you feel this way talk to someone, people do care:
— http://www.mind.org.uk
— https://www.thecalmzone.net
— https://www.mantherapy.org.au
