Someone Else’s Mansion, Someone Else’s Dream
Just about 11 years ago, my grandparents came up with this idea that the entire family (consisting of 10 New Yorkers, 2 transplant Floridians, their 1 native born florian toddler, and with one in utero) should rent a vacation home for a once in a lifetime family getaway.
After a 5 hour drive for the Floridians and a 2 hour flight for the New Yorkers, we came upon a mansion of a home, just steps away from the crystal clear water on the island. The home fashioned quite an impressive layout, 3 floors of designer furniture, and a pool that you could get lost in.
I was 7 months pregnant at the time with soon to be my Nicholas, and an 18 month old daughter Lily. We traveled down from our modest home in North Florida. Tony, a postal worker, and I a scientist, thought the “vacation” time was just what we needed. We settled ourselves into this mansion, and unpacked dreaming of what it would be like to live in such a home full time. We are not the flashy type, but still this home was spectacular. Our lives seemed to be picture perfect.
Exactly one year following this trip, I was handed the death slip so to speak.
Layoff papers.
When Jose Rosado, my mentor and now friend, asked me to write about my depression that occurred when I was laid off from my comfy salary scientist position, I said sure! How great it will be to help others move forward after a layoff.
1 week of starring at the screen and I was blank.
2 weeks after he asked me, I still had nothing.
3 weeks and I started to panic.
4 weeks in, and still I was thinking of some angle to write this monkey on my back sort of article.
Was I a procrastinator? No. I thrive on deadlines.
Had I forgotten? No, it was all still quite clear in my mind.
In all honestly, I was scared.
Scared to let the world know that at one time in my life…..
I was not sure of myself.
You see, I am one of those people who has a 5 and 10 year plan. So when I was laid off from my position, I was in a state of “building my own mansion, my own dream”. I thought about that vacation home as my starting point. The dream I would work up to one day. But the thing was, it was someone else’s mansion, and someone else’s dream.
When I was handed those papers of termination, solely on the basis that they had to let the people with the least seniority go, I went into full manic mode.
Scrambling at all and any position that would interview me. I was a mother of now a 6 and 4 year old. I had been photographing families as a side job just for fun, but now it was time to step that up.
I never was the “depressed” kind. I was more heavy on the manic side. Taking on way more than I should, creating projects just to mask any true emotions that might slip out. Always have a poker face, no matter what you feel inside.
I think back to the day, 2 months after being laid off. I made the decision to hire Jose as a mentor to see if I really could make this art work for me. I absorbed everything he spoke of that day. I continued to job search, all while shooting everything I could in order to constantly improve. I had always loved art and photography, but never thought it would ever support a family. But this layoff was a quite way of nudging me to get out of a job I loathed (loved the science, hated the politics).
But then the “high” wore off that first year of full time shooting. The moment when you realize your passion is now a job. It slowly started to eat away at me, pushing me into thinking I should go back into the world of science. Hey at least I would get a guaranteed check every other week right?
This is where the depression sank in. It was almost a year later, when I felt like a failure all over again. I was not making it work in the way I saw other photographers making it. I read the words 6 figures over and over from social media posts from photographers claiming their fame and fortune. I wondered if I would ever be good at this, wondering if I would ever have someone notice my work.
Where the hell was my 6 figures? Why was I barely making it by? I became cold and withdrawn, sitting up to 3 in the morning watching video tutorials over and over again. My husband become irritated that “I barely know your face anymore unless it is attached to the computer”.
My work was dull and lifeless. It took on a new face that was not anything like when I started shooting. It carried on its own as if it was a mirror of everything I had been learning, but yet not reformatting it to my own style.
Truth is, I just wanted to regain that glow when I could tell people I was a scientist. That pride I felt knowing the years of hard work and education I put in to earn that title. I had not felt that as a photographer and I knew it was because I was so busy thinking it had to be done like those before me.
Things had to change. Again.
I decided to let go of watching other peoples dreams. Because lets be honest, social media is the face of many “big fish” stories. I stopped trying to work on the latest trends in photography, and instead shoot the way I loved. I no longer cared if the way to shoot boudoir is ultra sexy and sultry. I loved fine art and timeless looks, so that is how I would shoot. I stopped working on the computer after 8 to be with my husband and talk. (Surprise surprise… being “with” your spouse makes your marriage stronger.)
I stopped reading posts about how others shooters were doing, and instead focused on my own company and how IT was doing.
A shift not only in my business but also my mental state slowly began to change. Business picked up and grew faster than I was able to keep up with. It was simple what was happening. I was focusing on MY dream.
10 years later and I sit here, writing this from the very same home. The same mansion. Is it mine?
No. Not even close.
That “once in a life time trip” became a family tradition in my New York family. But I sat here today, writing this article, realizing this was never my dream. It was someone else’s dream. And I simply get to enjoy it from time to time. This home was the workup of someone else who worked hard to get this point in their lives. But simply put, it was not my dream.
It is the same in the creative industry. We work so hard at looking at others dreams, others success, and others fortune and wonder why we do not have the same.
Simply put, because it is not our dream.
So when you worry that you “just aren’t there yet”, when you worry that you just cannot seem to get ahead, or when you worry that you are so behind, just remember these things.
You are NOT alone as you think .
You are NOT far behind as you think.
You are NOT unnoticed as you think.
You are NOT unworthy as you think.
You are just at a different stage of your OWN dream.
And where am I now? Further in this carreer than I ever thought I would be. I leave this week to go out and teach my own workshops, in hopes to help other new artists realize thier talents just as Jose did many years ago for me.
So while I may not move up as fast as the person next to me, I get their in my own time. I get there without the burnout from myself, I get there without fading out from the industry, and I get there without the worry.
I may not be the hare, but he never did beat the tortoise anyway.
