EDUCATION | HUMOR | ANECDOTE
A Better Way to Award Athletes?
The only thing better than winning gold is winning a pheasant
So the Olympics has come and gone. Races were run and swum. Different-sized balls were hurled through all sorts of apparatus. And when the competition finished, hundreds of athletes left with gold, silver, and bronze medals, as is tradition. The Olympics isn’t where you would expect to find birds, but maybe it should be.
Allow me to introduce you to a trio of pheasants.
The first is the Golden Pheasant (Chrysolophus pictus). These ostentatious, multi-coloured marvels are native to the forest mountains of Western China. Being such a handsome bird, people from all parts have picked them up and moved them around, and today they’re a common sight in aviaries the world over. I also have no doubt that when Donald Trump goes into barbershops, he always hands them a picture of this pheasant and says, ‘make me fabulous like the bird.’ And who can blame him?
Our second bird is the Silver Pheasant (Lophura nycthemera). Like their golden cousins, they also hail from mountainous mainland China. While they might be less showy, they are no less handsome, with their pure white plumes, red face masks, and delicate black scalloping on their feather tips.
The third bird in our metallic medley is the Copper Pheasant (Syrmaticus soemmerringii). To mix things up a little, these pleasant pheasants come from Japan, not China. They’re a more compact bird with a classic pheasant appearance with their long, slender, tapering tails. But with their gentle rustic hues, they are just as delightful as their more flamboyant kin.
Now, you can probably guess where I’m heading with this, and you are right. I am making the case that athletes should be awarded pheasants instead of medals. I do hear the naysayers and nit-pickers, though, complaining that it should be a bronze pheasant instead of copper, and I take your point. But let’s be fair, bronze is 90% copper anyway … it’s just got a bit of tin mixed in it. On top of which, gold and silver are pure elements, whereas bronze is an alloy, so making the switch to a proper elemental metal is just sound decision-making. Also, there’s no such thing as a Bronze Pheasant.
I do understand there is a long tradition of awarding athletes medals instead of pheasants. It can be hard to overcome tradition, but let me lay out the pros and cons.
Pros
- The athletes get an instant fun pet.
- Anyone that wins multiple events would go home with a flock of pheasants. And yes, the only thing better than one pheasant is dozens.
- I see no reason you couldn’t attach a lace loop to them and drape them around an athlete’s neck like a medal. I’m sure the pheasants would be cooperative.
- They’re incredibly handsome.
- We’d be freeing up precious medals for use elsewhere.
Cons
- There are literally no cons.
This is the start of a movement. I’m making the pitch: “Pheasants for First Place (also second and third)” … I’m still working on the slogan.
I’d like to invite everyone to join me in this totally non-quixotic mission to get more birds into our sporting events. It just makes sense.
