Till the End by CC Sabathia with Chris Smith
A Book Review
A comprehensive autobiographical account of Carsten Charles Sabathia Jr.’s baseball career and personal life, Till the End is a poignant reminder that no amount of money, fame, or success can erase emotional pain or childhood traumas; there is nothing more important than our health, friends, and family; and through passion, persistence, and the support of our loved ones we can transcend our limiting and unhealthy behaviors to become our greatest and most evolved self. The biggest battle is often waged internally, inside your own mind — not against outside opposition. If you can master yourself than everything else falls into place. To face your own demons, process your emotional pain, live in harmony with life rather than in resistance to it, and stay true to yourself no matter what others may think of you is the most courageous and essential victory of all.
This book is an in-depth look at Sabathia’s personal struggles and triumphs, the destructiveness of alcoholism and how he eventually overcame it, all set against the backdrop of baseball. Baseball is the thread — the constant — that permeated all aspects of his life. He played nineteen seasons of Major League Baseball during which time he won a Cy Young Award, became a World Series Champion, and was a six-time All-Star. During his career, he pitched for the Cleveland Indians, the Milwaukee Brewers, and finally the New York Yankees.
Throughout the course of the book, we see how Sabathia’s love, skill, and talent for baseball lifted him out of the struggles of his upbringing in Vallejo, California and into a position of prominence and wealth — a position from which he could make a positive impact using the platform baseball had given him. But despite his career success and supportive family, friends, teammates, and coaches, he still struggled with a severe addiction to alcohol and the shame that often accompanies an addiction. He also gives readers an inside look into the clubhouses as well as his perspective on the intricacies of the game from pitching mechanics to the subtler psychological aspects of baseball.
I appreciated the candidness and transparency with which he tells his story and also the opportunity to see the human side rather than the super-human side many expect to see from players. Because we’re all human no matter how famous or skilled we become. Readers can see how success provided him with many benefits and positive experiences but also how it unleashed a whole new set of temptations and struggles. Because with great success also comes the added pressure to live up to a persona that people invent for you, the fickleness of a fanbase, the the desire to be indestructible even as your body ages and gets injured, and constantly being scrutinized and criticized by the media and the public. But even with all that, CC demonstrates that his love for the game never waivers. The key is staying focused, having the right mindset, and always remaining grounded in what really matters. He had to learn how to center himself and properly command his emotions and mind with the same level of attention and precision he used to command his pitches. While he was able to eventually learn this lesson, especially by the time he signed with the Yankees, it took him a little longer to learn it off the field. Alcoholism, like baseball, remained a constant in his life.
Throughout the book, he recounts experiences with some of the most important people in his life — people who supported him and always believed in him. One of those people was his grandmother and I was touched by the rawness and honesty in how he explained his reaction to his grandmother’s death, “I wanted to quit everything — basketball, baseball, school — because Granny was the one person I was doing everything for, and my purpose had died with her.” Shortly after his grandmother died, he was chosen in the first round of the Major League Baseball draft by the Cleveland Indians, and he says, “The pain of Granny’s death, followed by the high of getting picked in the first round — I couldn’t process the contradictory emotions, so I pushed them away.” He also says that this is reflective of a recurring pattern in his life in which something amazing would happen in tandem with something terrible.
We follow him on his journey with the Indians, where he gained many valuable experiences and learned many skills he would put to good use later, and he explains that one of the biggest regrets in his career was not winning a championship with the Indians before he signed with the Brewers in 2008. As he says, he regretted “not having the mental ability to pitch great in the playoffs.” These experiences helped him learn where he needed to make corrections and he was able to help the Brewers make the playoffs during the season he played for them although again he wasn’t able to deliver in the playoffs as he wanted to. In 2009, he signed with the Yankees and with them he was really able to put into practice all the things he’d learned in the preceding years of his baseball career, especially what he learned from his failures in the playoffs with the Indians and Brewers. The Yankees did win the World Series during his first season with them, and winning a World Series had been a life-long dream of his.
Despite this euphoric victory, he continued to drink. Even as he attended celebrity birthday parties and various high-profile events, he was tormented by self-doubt and wondered whether he really belonged with all those talented, famous people. He also grappled with the fear that everything he had achieved could be taken away in a heartbeat. He loses several more loved ones, including his father and one of his closest friends, and is increasingly plagued by injuries to his elbow, shoulder, and knee. He continues to refuse treatment for his addiction and has a hard time accepting that he has to adjust his pitching to accommodate his aging body. He equated changing the way he pitched with surrendering his power and domination which is what had gotten him to the big leagues in the first place. He struggled to let go of his past self and adapt to a new phase in his life and career. Finally he relented when he realized he’d have to adapt or else risk losing everything he’d worked so hard to achieve.
As he evolved on the mound, he also finally realized that he needed to heal his alcohol addiction. And he wanted to be open about his struggle, not ashamed of it. In rehab he learned to process his feelings and finally let himself feel the loss of his father, which is an experience he never allowed himself to fully process. He is very brave to share this story. In a way it is a gift he gives himself and also a gift for readers because we are given the opportunity to witness someone else’s pain, transformation, and ultimate healing — to see how another person evolves, learns, and grows. And this helps us remember that hardships can be overcome. Every challenge is a lesson that helps us evolve and there is always a way to heal and grow.
After rehab he is able to successfully stay sober and although his baseball career is on the downward slope due to his age, he is just beginning to come alive in another way — by mastering his emotions and facing the pain that he had pushed away for so much of his life. The same determination, passion, and winning attitude he infused into his ball-playing could be channeled in other ways — and here we see it being used to heal a lifelong emotional pain and a chronic addiction. Through his bravery, he inspired others to embark on the same journey of healing and transformation. As he says, “Whatever platform baseball had given me, I was going to use it to try to tell people I understood what they were going through and to show them it was possible to get better.” His bravery and vulnerability opened the door for others to be brave too.
During his final season of Major League Baseball with the Yankees at age 39, plagued by chronic knee pain and a narrow escape from death due to a clogged artery in his heart, he continued giving his all to the game. Right until the last pitch when his shoulder finally couldn’t take anymore, he gave all he could give. The jersey may change but the love for the game — the passion, commitment, and dedication — that stays constant. And that’s really all that matters: staying true to yourself, being hardworking and determined, and always giving your best effort, until the end.
This is the November book in Noah’s Book Club (check out Noah Syndergaard’s social media for more information on the book club), and I enjoyed the inside look at Sabathia’s experiences both on and off the field as well as learning about his victories — not just in baseball, but perhaps the most important one of all: finally learning to accept and process his painful emotions and ultimately healing his addiction and reclaiming his life.
