Google Street View Stories Ep. 4

This is earth:

This is where we are today:

Right here to be exact:

And today we had a chance to speak with local woman, Kimberly Kwell. Well, we didn’t exactly have a choice as Kimberly happened to be my driving instructor. Kimberly was an examiner at the Toronto Metro East driving centre, in Toronto, Canada.

Kimberly was a short, fat, miserable blonde lady who had glasses on, which I’m sure were covering a cross-eyed condition or a stench so bad that only sunglasses could begin to conceal the smell.

Upon moments of sitting down, I could tell I had failed the test; the way Kimberly had failed having normal eyes (my assumptions) and a normal heart.

Why do you have so many seat cushions in this car? Do you have some sort of back problem?

She said this to me as she began ripping out the seat cushions from underneath her fat ass.

Alright, you’re going to take a right at the lights. I’ve failed a lot of people today, purely from not looking around enough. So keep this in mind. Looking out your peripherals don’t count. You could have a bag over your head for all I know. I need to see you look.

This is the right turn we took:

Being under these circumstances made it difficult to conduct a formal interview, but I wanted to know what went wrong in her life that lead to her to become a driving examiner.

I’ve been doing this for the past 5 years. You’re going to merge into the left lane when it’s safe. I’ve lived around here my whole life. It’s not a bad gig, traffic and construction are about the shittiest parts of the deal, but I have no problems rejecting people if that’s what you’re wondering.

It became perfectly clear that her whole life occurred within a 5 mile radius of the driving centre.

“Do you reject people outside of work as often as you reject people on the job?”, I ventured to ask.

What kind of question is that? Your job today is to focus on the road and not get distracted with my day-to-day. And, Yes I do reject people! When I go to the grocery store and they ask if I would like to donate to so-and-so it’s instincts now to say, “I wish I had better news!”

She said this last part with a roar of laughter. She continued by explaining that she’s had good practice telling those same grocery store clerks that she did not own a customer loyalty card upon being asked.

One could draw the conclusion that — when she wasn’t failing examinees and wasting participants entire day — she spent her only free time inside grocery stores.

As we continued through this intersection:

Suddenly, a car sped into the intersection to make the green light and entered the lane ahead of me. She leaned across my seat and slammed on the horn.

I don’t have to do that. You can do that. I don’t have to do that.

Was this woman insane? I asked myself. It was becoming increasingly clear that I was not going to see my desired results.

“What is the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to you on the job?” I said, after starting to feel terrified myself.

This car ride right now I’ll tell you what. That’s a messed up question you just asked me just now. Now merge lanes to the right when it’s safe.

I followed her instructions and merged the lane to exit onto the highway, pictured below:

During the whole ride, Kimberly would give her instructions prematurely and use excessive hand gestures. She was scribbling away on her report card and was extremely fat the whole ride.

We continued on to the highway and traffic was moving pretty fast. As soon as we merged on to the highway she instructed me to enter the left lane when it was safe to do so.

I had my turning blinker on and was patiently waiting for a gap large enough to switch lanes. Kimberly reached across my seat as if I were hiding a cheese burger on my person and turned off the blinker. She later asked me to switch into the right lane. There was a blue car approaching on the rear and when I switched lanes to the right, arriving in front of him, she let out a big sigh as if there were no cheese burgers in sight.

I wouldn’t have done that. He had to slow down, you see how he had to slow down. I wouldn’t have done that.

This is the road Kimberly and I were driving down:

At this point I was certain that she had failed me. I had not changed lanes the way she wanted. I didn’t have the right seat cushions. And I didn’t have any cheeseburgers stashed in the car.

Without instructions, I turned my hazard lights on and began pulling over to the side of the highway. I told her that I would not be finishing the exam and asked her to step out my vehicle.

You have to take me back to the driving centre! You can’t leave me here. I’m calling the police!

It was my turn to lean over her seat. Still sitting in the drivers seat, I gently opened the passenger side door. “Hey look, it’s a cheeseburger!” I said. She leaned far enough forward that I was able to give her a friendly tap and out she went.

Unfortunately, we were unable to learn who the real Kimberly was, but I’m sure she’s still out there rejecting someone. Whether it’s in the line of grocery stores or in the passenger seats of cars that don’t belong to her.

This is the route that Kimberly must have walked to get back to her job:

Ray Collegare

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