End Futile Job Applications!

Compare and Contrast

How It Works

Somebody just left and we need to replace them. We just posted a job on a popular jobs site. We’ve bullet pointed all the responsibilities we think you’ll need to meet, education requirements, and programs you need to know how to use.

In order to engage us, you must:

  • Email us your PDF resume
  • And write us a nice cover letter

For the cover letter, we don’t really have any instructions. We’re certain you can read our minds and know what to say to get our attention — in a good way, of course! The email we’ve provided will go to anonymousperson@company.com

Here’s what we’re going to do after you’ve sent your application:

  • Send you an auto response saying we’ll get back to you
  • Make you wait 30 days for the application to close
  • Make you wait 30 more days to send you a notification saying you haven’t been selected for an interview

If you do happen to make it to the interview:

  • We’ll call and tell you that we want to set up a phone interview with you 2 weeks from now
  • Talk about the company and all it’s greatness for half of the interview
  • Ask you a bunch of canned questions we got off the internet
  • Cut the interview short because we have to run to another meeting
  • Tell you “We’ll let you know.”

It’s been 3 months. We know you really want this job, but we decided to go with someone else with more “local” knowledge and someone who already works with us anyway.

Thanks so much for applying, please like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.

How It Needs To Work

We are hiring! We just posted a sweet job on a popular jobs website. We also tweeted it out, Facebook-ed and tumbled it. Now we want you to get back to us as fast as you can and show us everything you can do. We have a whole process in place because we know your time is important and we want to respect that.

We’ve included a great starting salary, and the schedule with raises at 6 months, 1 year and 2 years, as well as a stipend for you if you’re moving from out of town. Applications are only open for one week! What the heck are you waiting for?!

Here’s the LinkedIn application:

  • Please sync your LinkedIn
  • Answer these 4 engaging questions about who you are and your abilities
  • Include links to your social media if they aren’t already in your LinkedIn — i.e. Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Youtube, Medium, Facebook

Thanks so much for applying. We are really excited to get to know you beyond what’s on the page! We’re going to review your application and @realperson (twitter handle); realperson@awesomecompany.com will get back to you in 72 hrs.

If we’ve decided to continue on, we’ll send you a link to Hirevue where you’ll have 48 hours to answer 5-10 short video response questions that we will review with our team.

If not, we’ll send you some feedback on why we didn’t choose you, and send you some pointers for applying next time.

Congratulations on making it to the interview:

  • We’ve set up a Google Hangout with our team and have times M-F from 9am-12pm each day to interview
  • Please send us a quick email response with your top three times
  • We’ll get back to you by the end of the day confirming your interview

It’s been 2 weeks now. Thanks for being patient with us. We’ve reviewed your application and have come up with specific questions to ask you based on what you’ve sent us. We feel like we know you already, but we want to meet face-to-face to make a stronger connection.

This is not an ambush. Repeat, not an ambush. We are not out to “get you” or put you through a gauntlet of doom to get this job!

Prior to the interview:

  • We’d love it if you prepared some questions for us
  • Have some suggestions of things that you think we could improve on
  • Come up with a plan for how you can help us in your first year
  • Tell us about your availability to work with us and when you can start

Thanks for sticking with us for 3 weeks. It’s been a whirlwind. We’ve gotten to know you, checked out your references, and we think you’re a great fit!

We’d like to offer you the position:

  • Please take the next 48 hours to review our offer and talk it over with your loved ones
  • If you accept, we’ll have you sign a one-year contract, set up a schedule for you to move, send you the stipend and or plane tickets for you to come join us

@realperson will help you along through the first month of transition and get you in-processed with the company.

We realize that you have big goals, and a long term vision for what you want to do to contribute to the world.

We love folks who are involved in extracurricular activities, organizations, or have a burgeoning freelance business. These things will not count against you. In fact, we’d love to help you achieve them because we know that by making you and folks like you rock stars we’ll build a company of rock stars that everyone will want to join.

Thanks so much for applying. Welcome to the team!

I do a lot of work with national companies and by-and-far the ones who hook up their new hires on the front-end by paying them attention and respecting the time and effort they put into the application get a lot more value on the back end. If you want to learn more about me and my Urbanist life in the Information Age check out my Twitter for daily insights and my Tumblr for look into the plethora of project I’m jammin’ on.