Here’s How Leaders Make People Feel Valued By Saying Very Little
September 2010 — I was having a shit day at work. Shitty week, actually.
One of those weeks where I was just kept getting my balls busted for one reason or another. No one else’s fault, really. Self-inflicted proverbial gunshot wounds to the foot.
I was in the navy at the time and we debrief…everything. It’s good practice, but man it is a TON of feedback constantly flying back and forth.
This day, we were doing a pretty complex sets of maneuvers at sea, and (you guessed it!), I fucked something away. Needless to say, I was pissed at myself.
It was far from the perfect time for someone to give me feedback about anything.
I wasn’t immune from learning, I just really did not need someone in my face, correcting me, telling me what I already knew. But there he was, my commanding officer, getting ready to crush my soul with some “feedback”…
Fuck. I really don’t need this right now…
I figured I needed to remember this moment vividly. Whatever he did in this moment I would need to remember because I vowed to be a good leader one day. I needed practical lessons and I could feel one coming…
We see it all the time. Off days, new tasks, flukes — we screw up for a variety of different reasons. Could be a short-term screw up, long-term screw up. Big screw up, small screw up. Discrete screw up, public screw up.
Doesn’t matter. Shit goes less than perfect almost always. And we are always there…to clean it up with feedback…
My commanding officer came up to me and ask me what I swore I would never forget:
“Can you give me some feedback?”
Timeout. Wait, what?
You want ME to give YOU feedback? That’s not how this usually works, I thought.
“What do you want feedback on, sir?”, still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“You appear a bit tense and worn out. Tell me how you felt when you realized things didn’t go the way you wanted just now. I’d like to make sure I can add comfort and guidance in those moments, without beating you down.”
From that point, we had a trust relationship that only got better with time. It was like he wanted feedback to be exchanged and processed first from me to him, not the other way around.
My voice was first. His ears were first.
After ten years in the military, I learned you can’t create trust by only giving feedback —we all retreat from too much criticism. When he asked for feedback, it was so much easier to let my guard down. I felt valued, and that was the difference.
Most of our offers to give feedback can sound like the prelude to criticism because they are! What we create when we ASK for feedback is vulnerability — and it creates bonds in people. It’s actually pretty amazing if you think about it. But it makes perfect sense.
If you ask how you can be better for me, it shows me you are working to make yourself better for me. 👍🏼
If you tell me how I can be better for you, I’m now putting in the work for you. 👎🏼
Unsolicited feedback is unwelcomed at best, detrimental at worst. Creating a habit of requesting and taking action on feedback feels inspiring.
In the end, Leaders are called to be better for others before they even begin to think others will be better for them.
Do you agree? How do you think this could work where you work — or does it already?
Critical takes the time and work out of asking. Check it out here if you get a second. 👍🏼
