As I Age, What Am I Living For?
Passive suicidal ideation in older adults
I’m not scared of dying and I don’t really care, if it’s peace you find in dying, well then let the time be near. Laura Nyro, lyricist
At age 20, I decided to die by my own hand. As a septuagenarian, I’m glad I’m still here. Not so my sister, mother, husband, some patients, and friends. They’ve voiced that, at one point or other in their lives, it would be okay if they just didn’t wake up in the morning. A passive ideation to cease living.
Just yesterday a young woman said she struggles daily to stay alive. I asked if she had a plan — active ideation — and she said no, “it would devastate my family.” The 25-year-old described life as the problem, and death as peace. I explained that when I was a little younger than she is now I acted on my thoughts and obviously failed. And I was glad I did. Hopelessness eventually turned into hope, but more importantly, curiosity about life itself was born.
I told her that now I’m afraid of what I’d miss if I wasn’t here. I’m too curious. You never know what tomorrow will bring. As trite as it might sound, life is full of surprises and I don’t want to miss out. “There’s that,” she replied.
As we get older, what are we living for?
