Five Ways To Cope With Not Being A Grandmother When You Wish You Were One
They’ll give you a taste when you can’t get the full meal.
I’m bummed because I can’t get admission into the Grandmother’s Club. That’s the club you automatically enter when you become a grandmother. Since membership depends on the behavior of other people whom I have no control over— my kids and their life choices — I’ve tried to find workarounds that bring me a sense of the experience.
The women in the Club are so happy. They just love being grandmothers.
At 60-something, most of the people I know are members of this Club. I peer in from the outside. I’m like a pauper in the cold looking in on a cozy family around a warm fire.
They have a particular glow about them. They can’t wait to show you photos of their grandchildren and tell you all the cute little things they say and do. They brag about how superior they are. They’re just busting with pride!
If they live far away, they pine for them. They FaceTime them and coo with them. Their photos appear on their phone home screen. They visit their adult kids more often than ever. Their visits are actually wanted because the extra help is welcome. Their kids value family more now that they’re parents.
I’m jealous.
Many smitten grandparents uproot their lives to move near their grandchildren. They leave behind long-time friends and community. Being available to take care of them if they’re kids will let them takes priority over everything. It gives them a new sense of purpose in life.
Members of the Grandmothers Club tell you that being a grandmother is the best part of being a parent with none of the responsibility. You hand the kids back to their parents when they get fussy or difficult. It’s all the joy without the burden.
I can tell it’s genuine. It’s a beautiful, life-changing experience. Different from becoming a parent. Better! And since I loved being a parent, I can tell that I would love being a grandparent.
I want into that Club!
I was an older mom when I had my kids.
Waiting until I was 35 and 38 to have kids seemed like a fine idea at the time. But now that I want to be in the Grandmother’s Club, I kick myself. What was I thinking?
I know what I wasn’t thinking.
I didn’t think that being a grandmother would matter to me. Motherhood in and of itself felt like a huge deal. I wasn’t thinking much beyond that.
I didn’t consider the health problems that come with age, making it hard to be the lively, energetic grandmother you want to be. That is if you ever thought you’d be a grandmother.
I wasn’t thinking that I would get old, ever.
In other words, being a grandmother was the furthest thing from my mind. I had no thoughts of joining the Grandmother’s Club in 20 or 30 years.
I didn’t even know it existed until my peers started having grandchildren. That’s when I sensed the specialness of this time of life and the great divide between those who have them and those who don’t. The only way to cross it is for my kids to have kids, which I cannot control.
There’s no sign of it happening, and I’m not getting any younger. It just may not be in the cards for me.
What to do instead of moping.
I’m not one to waste mental energy wanting something I don’t have unless I’m willing to take action around it. So I’ve come up with these hacks for getting a whiff of the grandmother experience while coping with the lack of it.
If you find yourself envying those in the Grandmother’s Club, I offer them to you as things you could try that can help.
They won’t get you a membership, but they’ll lift your spirits while you wait, and life will still be good.
1) Don’t dwell on what your kids aren’t doing — like not having children. Focus on what you love about them. Be grateful they are alive. It’s easy to miss what’s in front of us while we focus on what’s missing. Get interested in what they’re interested in and find ways to connect with them around these things.
2) Take a “joy ride” on the joy you hear in the grandmothers’ voices who share with you. Picture the cute little anecdotes they tell as though they were your own. You can get a good hit of vicarious joy by doing this. It also helps with the understandable jealous feelings that arise sometimes.
3) Seek out situations where you can develop relationships with kids. Make a point of spending time with neighbor kids or great-nieces and -nephews. Look for volunteer opportunities that involve kids. Some hospitals need volunteers to hold newborn babies who are born addicted to drugs. Mentor programs can connect you with kids who need a caring adult. You can get a dose of grandmotherly sweetness by engaging in these kinds of relationships.
4) Use your imagination. Picture yourself as a grandmother in great detail. This can be a form of imaginary play when you’re in situations around kids you don’t know, say at the beach or in an airport. Take yourself on a little fantasy journey of what that would be like.
5) Find other meaningful ways to focus your life that bring you joy. Lots of things can give your life purpose besides being a grandmother. Reflect on your core values and how you want to be remembered. Revolve your life around taking action toward expressing those values.
Is being an adventurer vital to you? Create some new adventures for yourself. Are you a creator of beauty? Make a garden that reflects this core value. Is it meaningful to you to be a good steward of the earth? Get involved in raising climate awareness.
There’s no substitute for the real thing, I know. But life is still well worth living with lots to savor without grandchildren. What helps me is to funnel this desire into other relationships and activities. This way, I am still living these golden years in a creative, generative way. I invite you to join me in the Not Yet Grandmother’s But Still Enjoying Life Club!
