Five Wives, One Man
An unconventional journey of self-discovery and growth.
I’m pretty far north of the 70th Parallel, so to speak. 76, to be exact. And I’ve accomplished a few things in life. But my greatest achievements by far have been my five marriages.
If your latte just shot out from your nose, well, grab a napkin and sit up straight. You might just benefit from what I learned.
For instance, relationship experts often claim, “You attract who you are.”
Well, I was always a reckless romantic whose passion melted to anxiety and self-doubt as soon as “the one” got more interested.
Was I attracting who I was?
Hardly.
My five wives were all superior to me — and in myriad ways.
Nobody wants to admit to marrying down in life, so they didn’t say that — at least not to my face. But each, to varying degrees, was better at:
- Identifying and expressing feelings
- Fostering openness and connectivity
- Prioritizing self-awareness and meaning
- Listening proactively
- Being appreciative and supportive
You know, all the keys to creating healthy relationships?
(Whenever I’m tempted to be a bitter fool, I just look over that list. And I try to improve).
Now, if the list makes you view me as some old f*cker who deals in gender stereotypes, well, I definitely am an old f*cker. No apologies. But the reality is:
- Three wives out-earned me.
- Five fixed stuff better.
- Two could outrun me.
- One could outlift me.
The one who out lifted me could also kick my ass. How do I know? She kicked my ass. An angel 90% of the time, she never got to see me again.
On that note, let me be clear: I’ll be damned if each wife didn’t ultimately feel they were better off for having me in their life.
I wasn’t a drinker, not much of one anyway. I wasn’t a carouser. I wasn’t one of those fellows who bets his paychecks on horses.
And I sure as hell never hit anybody, much less a woman.
I was presentable — even, dare I say, handsome? I was quick with a joke or to light up your smoke. I was open and candid and reflective. I was interested.
And interested is interesting.
Now, certainly, I may have had my head buried too deep in the Greek tragedians — Aeschylus, Sophocles, and Euripides — and it cursed me with a sense of drama.
A taste for drama–-let me promise you — runs counter to the patient, grounded, practical mindset that leads to long-lasting relationships.
But listen, before I go on too long, here’s my point: learning is a lifelong occupation. We gain our deepest, most lasting lessons from those we allow ourselves to love — especially in a holy alliance like marriage.
I may have missed the mark, repeatedly. But I’m five times the man because of it.
