From Post-Retirement Blues to an Epic Third Act
What if your last phase of life was the best yet?
Retirement can be a mixed bag. It comes with both loss and possibilities.
On the plus side, along with the relief of not having to get up and go to work every day, there’s less stress and tension. There can be a sense of freedom, a weight lifted off your shoulders, and a chance to do whatever you want.
But it can also have a downside. You can feel lost and unsure of what to do with yourself. It can seem like you’re walking through your life without a compass. You might come down with a case of the Retirement Blues.
Before I retired, a friend of mine who had been retired for some years living what looked to me like a pretty sweet life in Mexico told me, “It’s harder than it looks, especially for us ‘doers.’”
Now I know what she meant.
From first-hand experience and from talking to others, I've discovered that four big things can make it hard: lack of structure, lack of purpose, loss of identity, and loss of daily connections with people.
A career fills all four to some extent. Whether you’re happy with your work or not, it’s clear what you have to do, why you’re doing it, and when to show up to do it. Also, in most jobs, there are people you see regularly. Whether or not you like them, they fill a basic human need for connection.
At the very least, a job gives you something to answer at a party when asked, “What do you do?”
When you’re retired, what you did is in the past. That’s hard in our doing-oriented culture. The loss that comes with retirement is harder than it looks, even when it’s your choice and something you’ve looked forward to.
The bottom line is that facing the “third act,” or the last phase of life, can be disorienting.
I found retirement unsettling
My husband was clear that it was time for him to retire. He likes to say he’s been ready since age 40. I might have kept working had it not been for him. I’d been noticing, though, that I was running out of juice for the career I had loved for close to forty years. But I would probably have chugged along a while longer.
Instead, I decided to follow suit, not wanting to be left behind while he enjoyed his new chapter.
At first, I felt like I was floating aimlessly in space. I had none of the usual organizing anchors that had been there before. I had no compass.
And for a while, that was okay. I actually enjoyed it. The only other times I’d been in this situation were when I was much younger, out of work, and worrying about finding another job, which was hardly relaxing!
But within a few months, I could see that a completely unstructured life without the sense of focus and meaning my work had given me was not for me.
I kept having this nagging thought: “Am I all washed up?” That scared me.
I worried that all the “good stuff” had been used up, whatever that meant. I didn’t quite know where to focus or where to invest my energies. I questioned if I had anything to give. After years of clarity about those things, I found myself uncomfortably in the dark.
But what was I going to do instead? I knew I didn’t want to go back to my previous career. It was no longer a fit.
It was an uncomfortable and worrisome place to be.
I told myself to trust that if I listened to my inner signals, something would call to me and I would eventually find my way. I hoped that was true.
A shape emerged from the fog
That is precisely what happened: I got a text out of the blue announcing a free introductory webinar to a life coaching program.
These things happen in unexpected ways. I took the free webinar and felt a strong call in this new direction.
Along the way, it involved getting and giving lots of life coaching and applying the principles I was learning to my own life. It gave me the compass I needed to find my way in my third act.
What I learned from life coaching:
- I learned tools for identifying what is most meaningful and fulfilling to me.
- I learned how I get out of my own way when I stop myself from doing what matters most.
- I’ve learned to take small sweet steps toward what I want in a way that makes it enjoyable rather than burdensome. I’m done with burdensome!
Because these tools were so transformative for me, I decided I wanted to share them with others.
Post-retirement is the perfect time to get life coaching
While it's useful at any stage of life, I’ve found it to be particularly helpful with those of us facing the challenges and opportunities that come with the Third Act.
At this stage, most of us are keenly aware that our days are numbered. There’s a stronger sense that whatever we do, we need to make it count. Whether that means making sure we’re living in an enjoyable or fulfilling way or whether it’s making a contribution doesn’t really matter. What matters is that we’re getting the most out of the time we have left.
With so much resting on it, it can be a little daunting to figure that out. It’s like looking at a blank canvas, unsure where to start.
These are the kinds of questions coaching explores:
- What would a living joyful meaningful life look like to you at this point?
- What qualities do you value most about yourself? How do you want to show evidence of them in your life?
- What kind of relationship do you want with your kids, spouse, and family? What steps are you willing to take for this to happen?
- What is the contribution you are here to make at this point?
- How do you want to express your creativity?
- What adventures do you want to have?
- What do you want to be known for at the end of your life? What do you want people to say at your memorial service?
This famous line from the Mary Oliver poem, The Summer Day, is at the core of these questions:
“What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
Finding your way through your Third Act will be an ongoing discovery process. I like to think of it like a treasure hunt where you’re on the lookout for what sparks your interest. What new untried path do you want to explore? What truly floats your boat? Can you allow yourself to release the “shoulds” from the past and explore new possibilities, including exploring being here now?
Out of my retirement blues experience, I’ve been delighted to find that I now have both the opportunity and the tools to create a phase of life in which I can say to myself with great delight, “This third act is the best yet!”
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