Getting The Story Right
The morality of changing a person’s life by changing their story.
It is an everyday assumption that a story is something benign and unvarnished. We assume that our own stories simply report a set of circumstances and wrap them up for the retelling. Since we live surrounded by so many manufactured and polished stories, we often fail to grasp the degree to which stories are constructed, biased, and intentional.
There is also a good deal of new research regarding how stories shape our experiences and memories. New therapies for treating traumatic memories focus on reconsolidating these memories by reshaping the ways trauma is recalled. It should not be surprising then that our stories have the power to reshape the past and reset our views of the present.
A man looks back over the major turning points in his life and realizes how different things could have been, how much he could have achieved, or how much happier he could have been if only he had made a different decision at a certain point. This particular individual is retired and many years have passed since the events retold here.
The following story has been highly altered to protect the privacy of the individuals involved. Names have been changed, events altered and certain circumstances contrived, leaving only the key moral decision points more-or-less intact. All I can really tell you is this: to my knowledge, this story is a true recollection of long-past events.
Gary — we’ll call him that — is a recent acquaintance. I have no direct knowledge of any of the things he tells me. This may be why he chose me to discuss what he perceived to be a painful dilemma. I am not a therapist, but I am a good listener and I am in a position to hear a lot of men’s stories.
Gary reported that he had a pleasant childhood, but that “as a result” his young adult years were naive and unproductive. He completed college without any notion of where his life was headed. Actually what he said was he “didn’t realize how shitty life can get.” The drama was approaching.
He took a variety of unsatisfying jobs until he “landed” a junior editing position with a start-up magazine. Yes, there were still magazines at that time. He enjoyed the work and decided, now in his mid-thirties, to begin graduate school at night for a Masters degree. So far, so good. I was not hearing any dilemma yet.
Gary then mentioned that he had several girlfriends in his twenties but that none of this dating was “serious.” He reported he felt shy as a young man, and I assured him that this is not unusual. For most guys in their later years, issues related to their past almost always involve relationships, and I was waiting for the relationship dilemma to crop up. Yup, in the second or maybe third chapter of his story.
But then he met a woman in one of his night classes. He reported that she was having a hard time with some of the assignments, so they would sometimes study together at the library after class. Definitely third chapter. One night, Gary continued, they skipped studying and instead attended a local party, or as Gary put it, “She fuckin’ grabbed me and dragged me to this weed party.” I sensed the key dramatic element approaching.
Gary related how they had some weed, but that it was awful compared to the varieties available today. I nod. And then he found himself “dragged” into a bedroom and his friend is taking off her clothes. Before he realized what is happening, they are in bed “doing it.” It doesn’t sound so bad yet, right? But then Gary said that he “doesn’t hardly remember what they did,” and that she was “all over him.” And the clincher: “It wasn’t my fault!”
So I’m thinking, what’s the problem? Two consenting adults coupling while a little high, happens every day. But wait, what? Gary was getting distressed by now. “What wasn’t your fault?” “That she got pregnant,” he explains. Ah! And yet by Gary’s tone, it is obvious that he had not reached the most distressing part of the story.
“Here’s the really fucked-up part,” Gary continued. They never had sex again, but she disappeared for several days following the news about her pregnancy. Then she met with Gary to let him know she was “keeping the baby” and didn’t want to go to grad school anyway. She also told him she was moving to California and that he need not worry about either of them. She confessed that she had really just wanted a baby and that she would raise the child on her own.
This was the traumatizing part for Gary. He would be a father but never get to know his child. Jumping ahead, Gary received a few photos every few years as the little boy grew, always with no return address on the envelope. Gary learned over time that the mother had some serious mental health issues and was in and out of hospitals. It was never clear to him who was caring for his son during these times.
Close to the end of the story, as Gary told it, his son began asking about his father. He was in high school by then, and Gary had married and had started a family. Then the mother wrote to invite Gary to meet his son. Suddenly, the dilemma became clear.
“You know, I had almost forgotten about him,” Gary said. “I mean, she fuckin’ seduced me. How is this my kid?”
I shrugged. “So what did you decide?” I asked. And as I suspected, Gary never responded to the mother’s letter. Still, after all these years, he grieved about his decision. Despite the joy he had accumulated in the years that followed, this one heartache remained.
I have met a lot of men with broken pasts. Things that are often left unresolved, unattended, or just conveniently forgotten. I sat with Gary for a bit, unsure what he wanted me to tell him. Then I asked, “Now what?”
It became clear that Gary just felt the need to tell someone about this, and I was the lucky someone. Then I shared with Gary my solution for broken pasts. It is all about the story. I explained that many troublesome past stories contain toxic elements that need to be expunged. But I also warned him that this boy might show up one day and confront him in the flesh.
“You need to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made, including getting seduced” (and I thought if this is what really happened) “and never getting in touch with your son when you had the chance.” And then the story will change. But forgiveness is what you need to sit with.
I knew that we were both mindfulness guys, and suspected that all of this had come up for Gary because he was new to the practice of mindfulness meditation.
Following some weeks, I ran into Gary again. He felt his efforts had paid off, and that forgiveness had “taken the edges off” his regrets. I assured him that we have all screwed up and we all have regrets. The power of mindfulness is in the ability to seek forgiveness within ourselves and then change the story.
From that point on, the story that is our lives changes and shifts until all the sharp edges are gone, and we can move forward unburdened by a traumatic past.
Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator for the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a mindfulness discussion group for men. He holds a PhD in Communication Studies.
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