Honoring the Tides of Our Souls
My spirit seems to have low and high tides in my ocean within.
Aging can bring such an awareness of things within us. Things that we may not have had the time to pay full enough attention to in the busyness of our youth and all that this included. Careers, families, life.
Having turned 70 this year, I am grateful to now have the time to be able to slow down, stop, and pay attention more deeply to the rich complex beings that we all are on this human journey.
I am aware of the moods that I can notice within. I’m not always aware of what may have triggered a particular emotional state. And that’s ok. I don’t need to always know. I just need to notice and allow and honor things that are beyond my control. As I continue to age, I see how much has always been beyond my control. It’s humbling. And reassuring, in a way. Reassuring that I really could not control it all, could not have changed the tides that have been part of my life, that are still there.
I wake up deeply sad some days. Immersed in that sadness and mostly unable to move.
I wake up deep in gratitude most days, thankful even for that sadness.
That sadness is part of life, and I am still part of that life as well.
Sadness can be about losses, grief. And those losses and grief are a testament to love and attachments that I may have had for a while. Nothing lasts forever. But we can have them for a while. And that’s a gift.
Going with the tides means allowing the waves of attachments, loss, grief, and sadness to simply be. As if we had a choice. But, in our youth, we may have still clung to that illusion of control.
I can walk in the redwoods and become completely taken over by awe and wonder. What stories and wisdom that these trees could tell us. What they have seen and experienced throughout their lives. And the wind rustling through their leaves that makes me feel as if I am hearing the voice of God whispering to me. It can make me cry. Tears of joy and being part of this story of life. Being part of this family of the earth and its creatures and plants.
I can feel out of sorts and angry at times, and again not always sure what the trigger might have been. I try and listen to what I might need to pay attention to, what I need to hear from within. What my voice might need to express, even if only to myself.
I can feel afraid and vulnerable. Especially as I continue aging. I see my body changing and slowly breaking down. I can feel the path before me growing so much shorter than the path behind me. Fear of the end. The waves of anxiety and fear are also part of this path.
I can feel completely alone and yet, at the same time, deeply connected to all around me. I feel both because I am both. I contain so many feelings and waves of emotion. The vast ocean within.
I notice that there are also waves and tides in my relationships. Times that a friend may feel closer, times that there is more distance. Neither is right or wrong, good or bad. They are simply part of the flow, the waves, the high and low tides. Souls that can connect more at times, and need to recede at other times for their own growth and purpose.
During low tides we can explore more, gather more, look to see more of what we may find as the water recedes.
During high tides we may need to step back a bit so as not to be overtaken by the waves. Allowing them to wash over and through us, and simply marvel at their power.
In my youth, I tried to control these waves and tides. Trying to force my will and efforts through with whatever plan that I had formulated for a particular day. Pushing against the tide.
That pushing never really worked.
Now I have the blessings of time and age to be able to relax more and check in on the water level and what I may need to do or not do. Honoring the timing of the ocean. Paying attention to the tides. Waiting, if need be, for things to recede and allow for more exploration and action later. Realizing that waiting and being still are an important part of this journey. They have their own gifts to give.
I sit in wonder when watching the ocean, listening to the crashing waves, watching its majesty. And I also sit in awe at the ocean within, the tides that ebb and flow, the gift of being in this human body with its wonders and treasures. Some buried deep. Some closer to the shore that can be gathered and saved, even if only for a while.
I have the earth and ocean within me. I have the vastness of the universe within me. And now, I can finally begin to hear it, feel it, and honor it.
