How to Tell You’re Over 70

Without looking at your birth certificate

David Martin
Crow’s Feet

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Photo by Liam Riby on Unsplash

Maybe you’ve accepted your septuagenarian status or maybe you’re in denial about your advancing years. Either way, here are a few undeniable clues you’re getting old:

As a kid, you’ll bend down to pick up a penny. As you get older, your pick-it-off-the-ground threshold changes. By early adulthood, you’ll probably bend down for a quarter but nothing less. At forty, it has to be a paper bill. Now, given the possible back injuries, you won’t consider bending over for less than a twenty-dollar bill and, even then, you’re probably wondering if it’s worth carrying around one of those pointed trash pickers.

Chores are now classified by how many times you’ll have to do them before you die. Chances are that the upcoming shingling job qualifies as the last time you’ll be re-roofing your house. If your furnace is on its last legs, its replacement is probably the last one you’ll ever buy. Other things may be penultimate items like, say, the two new TVs you’ll have to purchase before your own plug gets pulled. Or the two dryers or two fridges. When you start worrying if this is the last box of Cheerios you’ll have to buy, the end may be nigh.

Your driving habits have changed. Nighttime driving is now problematic. At night, you’re now as dangerous on the roads as a…

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David Martin
Crow’s Feet

Wordsmith, humorist and author of “Dare to be Average” on Amazon. Support Dave’s writing by joining Medium: https://daretobeaverage.medium.com/membership