When Nightmares Become Reality: 10 Years of Living with Insomnia

My Journey Through Various Insomnia Treatments and Approaches

The Author, before the onset of insomnia

This is a true story. Up until I was 57 years old, I slept perfectly. I was able to fall asleep anytime, anywhere. Sleep was a non-issue, and I slept as much or as little as I chose. In 2012, my husband and I decided to purchase a new bed. We shopped carefully and chose a latex bed with different firmness levels. My side was quite firm, whereas his side was somewhat softer.

That night, I tossed and turned. The following night, my discomfort only grew. After a few fitful nights, I confessed to my husband that I was experiencing difficulty adapting to this new bed. In his response, he extolled the virtues of the bed and his love for it. So I decided to try harder. I fought with this bed for another two weeks until I couldn’t sleep. Not a wink. I lay awake. All. Night. Long.

I was in a panic and felt awful. I saw my family doctor, who prescribed Ambien (i.e., Zolpidem) pills, 5mg. My family doc, who has since retired, assured me it was not habit-forming and would offer immediate help. I rushed to Costco to fill the prescription and went home to sleep. It was mid-afternoon, and I was a wreck. After four hours of sleep, my eyes popped open with a jolt, and I felt even worse. I took a second pill which added one more hour of sleep.

Concurrently, I ordered a different mattress which I set up beside the new bed for a planned escape when sleep eluded me. Every night, I tried to sleep unmedicated (the success rate was zero), after which I would take one 5mg Ambien pill. At first, I was able to sleep for four hours. After several weeks, I slept for two hours. And then it was just an hour. Every night, I awoke with a lurch as my eyes opened widely and my body filled with energy. There was never a chance of falling back asleep.

I realized Ambien was habit-forming, contrary to my family doctor's assurances. I was determined not to increase the dose and become hopelessly addicted. I am strong-willed and avoided anything I knew was addictive, such as sedative-hypnotics or anti-anxiety Benzodiazepines. So I read, researched and tried every technique, substance or ritual I could find. I left no stone unturned. Here is a partial list of what I tried:

Pills, pills and more pills (photo courtesy of the Author)

• OTC Drugs: Melatonin, Rutaesomn,
  Natural Sleep X — The All-in-One Natural Sleep Aid, Benadryl, 5-HTP, Adrenal support meds
• Herbs, Hormones, Amino Acids: Ginkgo biloba, Glutamine, L-Theanine, Passionflower, Glycine, GABA, Taurine, Magnesium, L-Serine, L-Tryptophan, Phosphatidyl Choline, L-Serine, DHEA, Pregnenolone, White Willow Bark, Gamma-Linolenic Acid (GLA)
• Cannabis & Booze: Alcohol, CBD, THC
• Prescription Drugs: Ambien CR, Ambien, Sonata, Trazadone, Lunesta, Belsomra
• Devices & Wearables: Fisher Wallace neurostimulation device (https://www.fisherwallace.com/), White Noise Machine, Blue-light blocking glasses, Oura (sleep tracking) ring
• Treatments: Massage, Acupuncture, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I)

And that is just a partial list.

I will summarize what happened next in my battle with insomnia:

• Eight months after the onset of my insomnia, I realized that nothing I would ingest would work. Everything I tried made me more energetic, tingly, and awake. Wide awake.
• I was addicted to this low dose of Ambien. My head was unrelentingly pounding at times, so I ingested 10mg in a single night on some nights.

Disposing of all sleep meds

• I decided to stop everything “cold turkey.” I reminded myself that I wouldn’t die from this (confirmed by research). During our next annual hiking vacation in Telluride, I stopped all medications, rituals, appliances, etc. I brought my bag of supplements and meds with me on vacation because I didn’t want to add any anxiety (caused by being separated from my arsenal of medications) to an already challenging situation.
• For one week, I had no sleep-inducing medications of any type. I was twitchy the first couple of nights and suffered consistent headaches. But at the week's end, I knew I was no longer addicted.

My insomnia was still active and unrelenting. I noticed, along with insomnia, some other notable changes:

• I had lost some weight, which I have kept off for the last ten years.
• My seasonal allergies, which I’ve had all my life, were gone! And they never returned. In the past, they were so awful I sought relief just to be able to breathe. After a lifetime of allergies, they were magically gone. Everyone around me still suffered. But I was cured. Unbelievably.

I concluded that my body chemistry had changed. And I realized (and accepted) that these were permanent changes. I would always be an insomniac. So I had to learn to manage it while keeping my joy and optimism intact. I couldn’t and wouldn’t lose myself or become a different person. I was determined, strong-willed and driven.

Fast forward ten years. I’m still alive. I’m still an insomniac. I take no sleep-inducing drugs of any kind. A couple of times each year, I wake up to daylight. When that happens, I am ecstatic! But mostly, when my eyes open, it is dark outside. Most nights, I get in the neighborhood of five hours of sleep, which is enough to feel fine the next day. I still have occasional bad nights with little or no sleep. I would say that overall I’m energetic and feel fit and healthy.

This is what I’ve learned and done over the last ten years to survive and thrive:

• Accept that no “one size fits all” solution exists for sleep or sleep remedies. The amount of sleep needed varies from person to person. Listen to your body. Do your best to get the optimal amount of sleep for yourself.
• Do not read articles that declare, “All adults need 7–8 hours of sleep,” “Sleep deprivation can be lethal,” or “CBT-I is a fool-proof insomnia cure.” It will make you feel bad as you try to manage your insomnia.
• I felt alone during the first year after my onset of insomnia. I felt that my sleep issues were worse than other insomniacs, and no one could or ever would understand. But after reading the book: “Insomniac” by Gale Greene, I realized many others shared my symptoms and lack of progress. She recounts some horrific stories of insomnia in this book that were hard to read (I can’t work, I can’t think, I can’t connect with anyone anymore. . . . I mope through a day’s work and haven’t had a promotion in years. . . . It’s like I’m being sucked dry, eaten away, swallowed up, coming unglued. . ). After reading this book, I felt less alone, less alarmed, and less anxious.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I)

• CBT-I is good, and I recommend it even though it was not curative. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I) consists of these major components:
  1. Sleep hygiene: Having a consistent sleep schedule (including regular bedtime and wake-up times), creating a sleep-conducive environment, and avoiding stimulating activities close to bedtime.
  2. Sleep Restriction: Limiting the time spent in bed to the actual time spent sleeping, which means getting out of bed if unable to sleep and returning when feeling sleepy.
  3. Mind and Body Relaxation Techniques: Examples include progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing exercises, readings and exercises to identify and challenge irrational beliefs and negative thoughts about sleep.
  Recommendation: Investigate web-based and mobile app solutions for convenient and low-cost access to CBT-I training. Popular examples include Sleepio, StellarSleep and Goodpath.

The Author’s pillow configuration for optimal comfort

• Create the most comfortable sleep environment possible. For me, this includes the following components:
  1. MedCline shoulder release pillow system (see picture above). I love this pillow! I’ve tried every pillow out there; this pillow cradles my head, shoulder, and arm perfectly, while the body pillow allows me to change positions during the night and still be incredibly comfortable.
  2. ChiliPad Sleep System, a sleep technology product, for regulating the bed's temperature to improve sleep quality. It is a mattress pad system that uses water-based temperature control to either heat or cool the bed surface. I run “hot,” so this provides a way to cool the mattress to keep my body temperature optimal, eliminating nightly wake-ups due to feeling hot.
  3. Weighted blanket: I use a 15 lb weighted blanket, which provides pressure for deeper relaxation.
  4. Blackout Room Darkening Curtains for light and noise reduction.

The Author, wearing SleepPhones

• I do wake up multiple times during the night. To help me fall back to sleep, I use a mobile app with meditation, breathing exercises, soundscapes and calming music paired with SleepPhones (headphones embedded in a headband with flat speakers for comfort when lying down.) Mobile apps that I’ve enjoyed include Calm and Insight Timer.

The Author’s gold Oura Ring

• I love the Oura (sleep tracking) ring! Having data from the previous night and my readiness scores for the current day helps me plan and track, and evaluate progress.

The Author, in Warrior 3 Pose

• Exercise and yoga: I cannot overstate the value of consistent exercise and yoga. I work out most days and include a consistent yoga practice 3–4 days weekly. My workout regiment is described here:

I am "Refocused, but not Retired."

I hope that this article is helpful for readers suffering from insomnia. Reducing or eliminating sleep-related anxiety is crucial. I believe I am living proof that chronic insomnia is manageable.