I’m as Cracked as the Sahara but There’s a Skin Care Product For That
Senior discount
I am old.
I’m not that old, but I am to the makeup companies and 16-year-old cashiers who insist on giving me a senior discount, even when I turn around and show them my high-tight twenty-year-old ass. Just kidding — 16-year-olds can’t be cashiers.
Today I got an alert for old lady mascara. It promises not to pull off my remaining three eyelashes. It also told me to throw away my mascara from The Depression. “The Dust Bowl is over,” the advertisers insisted.
Bobby Brown, the famous makeup artist for makeup that looks like you’re not wearing makeup, told me “People as old as me can’t use regular foundation. It sticks in our cracks.” “Not necessarily,” I told her, “only if we stick it on our cracks!”
Speaking of cleavage, there’s a bra an old woman on the internet invented for other old women. She promises it will lift up our boobs just high enough to be realistic, but whenever I click on the link it brings me to a plastic surgeon specializing in boobs that are higher than mine were in high school.
The woman I walk dogs with told me, unsolicited, about her skincare routine — in case I was interested in looking younger. Before that, I thought she was twice my age but…
