I’m in the Same Boat as Orca Moms — Coddling My Adult Son!
“Your son is how old? No kidding! And he’s still living at your house?”
I can see the look of pity in their eyes. I feel their silent condemnation in my gut. Sure, we should throw our son out of the house, force him to sink or swim, or at least find a place to live where he has to pay the rent, take out the garbage, buy his own toilet paper and dish detergent, etc., etc. Indeed, by hosting him in our house (although he does help out quite a lot), we’re encouraging him to be a bit lazy and irresponsible.
Though we know all this — the weeks and months go by, then the years, and — guess what? — he’s still with us. Of course, we have lots of room and plenty of excuses why. But wouldn’t it be a helluva lot better for him, and for us, if he was out on his own?
I can see you reading this and nodding your head — yes, yes, yes. I can see you patting yourself on the back for raising an independent, self-reliant kid and successfully pushing him out of the nest when the time came. Yet, apparently, our family’s behavior isn’t so different from what sometimes happens in the animal kingdom!
Recently, I read an article in the NY Times. The title was “Mooching Sons Sap Orca Moms.” (https://www.nytimes.com/2023/02/08/science/orcas-sons-mothers.html?smid=url-share)
Orca females are similar to human females in several key respects. According to the article, these whales stay with their birth families for their whole lives. The families are led by matriarchs who can live 80–90 years. Whereas most female animals don’t survive past their menopause — meaning they die soon after they cease being able to give birth — Orca females live on for several additional decades. During those years, they often contribute food to their “families.” Like good grandmothers, they help maintain the health of young mothers and their offspring. Wow!
But like many mothers, including me, these females have a weakness for their sons. A 2021 study showed that the presence of older moms helped adult offspring stay alive — especially sons. The mother whales have learned a trick: When the mother whale re-surfaces with a salmon in her jaws, she bites down hard, jerking her head sideways so that half the salmon floats back behind her to a waiting kid — usually a son.
Is the Orca son too lazy to dive down and catch salmon for himself? Or has he just grown accustomed to mom’s generous hand-outs? Whatever the answer, these coddled sons are gifted with ready meals for their entire lives.
The bad news is that Orca sons who require nurturance from mom may not survive long without her. Studies show that Orca males over 30 were eight times more likely to die in the year after their mother’s death. Wow — that tells you a lot about the downside of an overly-protective mom. In other words, if we think we’re doing our sons a favor by our beneficence, we’re not!
It certainly tells me something pretty sobering! My son needs to spend a little more energy fending for himself! He needs to do better at getting jobs, keeping jobs, maintaining relationships, and saving money. Otherwise, he might not last too long after I’m no longer around to hand out the fish dinners.
