The Linear Life Goes Awry
But Choices Might Put it Back on Track
It is amazing to me, as I look at my life from the perspective of 72 years on, how the path changed so suddenly and dramatically with the death of my wife, Penelope, in 2019. Before that heartbreaking time, I viewed the course of my life as being almost linear: the past was a straight line to the present, which continued on to some undefined end point far in the future. That is not to say that the prior years were uneventful or unhappy; to the contrary, things moved along through the years in consonance with my always-optimistic outlook, with my education, my career, my marriage, my starting and raising a family all as fulfilling as one could hope for. But since I lost Penny after 42 years together, that life path turned into a wild zigzag. Plunged into grief for many months, the future was deeply obscured by the fog of sadness.
Eventually, the fog began to lift (though it still wafts in frequently and unpredictably), and I began the task of laying out some options for the remainder of my life. Will I fully retire from my law career? Will I stay in the house and the town that I had lived in for more than half my life, so deeply infused with the memories of “Life Before”? Will I find a satisfying relationship with another woman, or even possibly fall in love again? Will I find new friends or interests different from those that had been mainstays in my life? Will my health, always good, become a factor in these choices? I have bounced around the possible answers to all of these questions, though in an unexpected and happy development, I did find a new love. My developing relationship with Miriam has provided a backdrop for making choices in these other life decisions, and the amplitude of the zigzag has been reduced significantly. Perhaps, just perhaps, that straight line to the future is developing once again.
