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Today When I Rattle the Bones
Dealing with childhood trauma past midlife
This past week I’ve been checking my watch and thinking: yes, but what time is it “really?” It’s not that I am still on Canary Island time. I don’t think I was ever there on this vacation — ever settled into a rhythm of any sort. I’ve been just feverish enough to excuse the complete absence of personal discipline for a while now. The week slid by with the days wobbling: up at 5, up at 9, up at 4.
I was counseling a student last week about setting up fences and frameworks to protect themself. Fence-building is something that I have been sort of good at for a long time now. But these days I feel like my life is being dismantled. Not in a horses-escaping-the-corral kind of way, but rather like the dissolution of my cells’ walls. Every organelle is quivering and vulnerable.
When I was in junior high, I spent my free time with colored pencils and cream paper, drawing cells with their organelles and endoplasmic reticulum…
Researchers believe that lithium performs quantum tunneling through cell barriers, allowing it to depolarize the neuronal membrane. This is a not-so-random fact.
I can’t help but feel that there is a meta-perspective just beyond my scope, from which my whole life makes sense. And something tells me that I am not supposed to have thoughts…
