Will I Need Replacement Parts?
I could turn into a cyborg with these new medical implants.
Are you getting to that age and station in life where body parts are just wearing out? I had a total knee replacement in 2012 and it’s starting to make some clicking noises. No pain, but like the squeal of my brakes, it could be an indication of wear and tear. I heard they last 20 years.
I became the proud owner of an implant in 2008 when I had gastric lap band surgery. It worked out great, I lost 80 pounds and kept it off. Recently I’ve lost more, possibly as a result of doing some actual physical exercise at Planet Fitness. I checked with the bariatric surgeon because no one performs lap bands anymore. Should I be worried about this device that is still restricting my portions, yet is clearly an antique? “Not if it’s still working for you,” he said.
What I need to be more worried about is that medical devices these days are going in the direction of surgically implanted electrostimulation. Just like the character Seven of Nine on Star Trek: Voyager, a cyborg. I read online at techopedia.com that a cyborg is an organism with both biological and technological components. Science fiction is fast becoming fact. I could change into a cyborg!
For my obstructive sleep apnea, I could toss the CPAP machine and get the Inspire implant. The implant would stimulate my hypoglossal nerve, meaning it shocks my tongue, to keep it from lazily resting in my throat, cutting off my air supply. Guess all night long I’d be sticking my tongue out. Sounds ouchy. Costing $30–40,000, it requires general anesthesia and has a battery-powered remote. Might need a redo after 11 years though.
For my urge incontinence, no more reliance on Depends pads! I can have the Axonics neuromodulation therapy device that provides 20 years of relief from accidents. It also requires surgical implantation and their website lists the following risks: adverse change in voiding function, infection, pain or irritation at the implant site, lead or device migration, electrical shock, change in sensation or magnitude of stimulation which has been described as jolting or shocking by some patients, and heating or burns at the device site.
Yeah, sign me up for some of those uncomfortable jolts! Think I’ll stick with my pads.
At least if I get diabetes (pffft! God forbid), I can get the FreeStyle Libre system, which does not need surgery. However, any heart irregularities might require a pacemaker. Although they’ve been around so long, I’m sure they’ve gotten all the bugs out! No worries there.
I imagine snuggling under the bedcovers for a restful night’s sleep, but instead of turning off the TV with the push of a button, I line up the remotes to all the other devices I need to survive. My mind starts racing, unable to turn off my thoughts.
All of them require batteries. What if the environmental health activists take away our batteries because it’s better for Mother Earth? What then? And what about when everything is connected to my smartphone. What if I can’t charge my phone?
What if the Chinese weather balloon was just a practice run to send an EMP (electro-magnetic pulse) over the U.S.? My anxiety level in my mid-60s seems to be growing. When will they have an electrostimulation device for that?
