Am I Ready to Be A Parent?
Pre-parenting tips from someone who doesn’t have kids — yet.
Disclaimer: I wrote this article after I read several articles and books, based on how my parents raised me, and hours and hours talking with my friends who already have babies. Your opinion can be different from my point of view.
Become a parent is a big deal. You can’t just say “I want a baby!” in a minute without thinking about 20 years (or more) of sacrifice. I said it’s years of sacrifice because you will sacrifice lots: your time to raise your kids, your emotions because sometimes raise a kid can be a pain in the neck, you have to spend lots of money for their education (you won’t let your kids grow-ups without the best education, right?), for their insurance, what about their clothes? What about their teenagers’ needs like “mom, can I drive a car? My friends drive their own car to school. Mom, can I get a new iPhone?”
I know, kids also bring joy to our lives and there’s no such thing as being “ready”. But, it would be better if we enter the world of parenting with preparation.
My parent sacrificed lots of their needs to me — especially for my education. They wanted me to attend the best school in town, and also be the best student as I can be.
When I was in my last year of high school, I started to search for colleges in my country that have the highest rank for the major that I want. I didn’t expect to study abroad because I know my Mom can’t afford it — I said “my Mom” because my Dad passed away when I was 14 years old.
My choice fell on one of the universities in Jakarta, but my Mom disagrees. She wanted me to attend a university in Yogyakarta. At first, I was angry because my Mom didn’t support what I want. But I finally enrolled in one of the best universities in Yogyakarta, and in my 2nd year, I took an extension course in another university — which also costs a lot of money. I even asked my Mom to buy me a motorcycle since those universities aren’t close — yes, she bought it for me.
I just realized it by now after I work so f*cking hard with long working hours and I didn’t earn much money — even for myself. My Mom must be sacrificed lots of her needs to give me comfort life. I regret I ever said that my Mom is so stingy.
See? Until this point, I’m not sure that you (also me) can just have a baby without lots of preparations. There are lots of things to consider. Here’s mine:
Am I financially stable?
Yes, we don’t have to be rich to be financially stable. But, raise a child will cost a fortune. Even their clothes are more expensive than our clothes. How about school fees? Pre-school will cost SGD700 to over SGD2,000 per month in Singapore, around £970 per month in the UK, and around $985 per month in LA (for public school). What about elementary school? Middle school? High school? University? What about extracurricular activities? If you hire a professional tennis coach in Singapore to teach your kids, it’ll cost you around SGD120 per hour.
For some people, it doesn’t matter where you go to school. But for me, it does matter where you go to school. If you graduate from a reputable university, you have a (slightly) bigger opportunity to get into the interview process. Your network connection may be better than your friends who attend not-so-famous universities. Because it’s easier to open a small talk and get along with someone new if you attend the same university with that person, especially when they have a higher-level position in a company.
Did you talk to your spouse about parenting style?
You and your spouse have to be in one voice when you raise kids — biological or adopted. Even if you’re married, you can have a different style to raise your children. You can be strict with your kids, but your spouse may spoil them with enormous love. And if you disagree with your spouse, don’t argue in front of your child. They will resent the way you raised them.
My parents raised me with their style: dad spoiled me, he gave me literally what I want and never allowed me to learn how to do chores. But my Mom is strict, and she wanted me to learn how to do chores since my early years. Every time Mom wants to teach me how to fold my clothes or clean up my bedroom, Dad will yell at my Mom — well, not exactly yelling but talking in a higher pitch. I grew up as a spoiled brat and I did resent my mom. What I thought was “Why Mom kept asking me to do chores? Dad never asked me to do the chores. I hate Mom!”
And I grew up as a spoiled brat. I realized that Mom was right when I started to live alone. I don’t have extra money to hire a housekeeper to keep my house clean, and there was a time when I was crying while doing my laundry. I grew up with a mindset that I don’t have to do chores because we have a housekeeper to keep our house clean — and I was wrong.
Mom, I’m sorry.
Are you mentally and emotionally ready to have another long term commitment?
I said to raise a child is like having another long term commitment besides your commitment with your spouse is because raise a child will take years. It’s not like a relationship with your boyfriend that lasts less than 1 year. No.
When we’re still single and not expecting, you may think that having a baby is fun. You see your friends or Holywood actresses posting their lovely pictures with their babies on Instagram — matching clothes, face stickers, and that makes you want to have a baby? Think carefully.
When you’re pregnant, your body will get bigger. While some women will look beautiful during their pregnancy, some other women will experience acne due to an increase in hormones that lasts throughout pregnancy. What if your spouse isn’t ready to face the truth that your face turned into acnes farm — and leave you? You know, men are visual creatures, they want a good looking spouse. And some of them can’t accept the fact that there will be a time when their spouse doesn’t look attractive for some reason.
Even the healthiest relationships can fall apart when a new baby arrives. Restless nights, your baby cries without knowing why, when you have to wake up in the middle of the night and your spouse sleeps as nothing happens, you don’t have time to pamper yourself, and so on. These things are the hidden iceberg of new parents’ life.
If you and your spouse decided to have a baby, do it together — for better or worse. Discuss every obstacle that might occur during the pregnancy until the time when your baby joins the university life: who will help you doing house chores while you taking care of the baby? Will you hire a nanny or a housekeeper to help you?
There will be a time when you cry a lot because you think your spouse didn’t give much attention to you or your baby, and it’s normal. We can’t read each others’ minds. That’s why you need to communicate with your spouse (or family) about what makes you sad or angry — or simply just ask about his/her day. If you don’t ask, you don’t get it. Don’t keep it to yourself, you’ll end up disappointed (and frustrated) if they didn’t do what you’re expected them to do.
Being parents is a learning process — whether you do it alone or with your spouse. You will never be 100% financially, mentally, and emotionally ready to raise a child. Sometimes you’ll shed tears and get angry easily. But as time goes by, you’ll get stronger. There are tons of good things about being parents. Cherish every moment of your life. Remember that parenting is trial and error. No one figures everything out for the first time.
And yes, I’m not ready to be a parent, yet.
