CRY Magazine | EMOTIONS
Does Love Beat Pain Every Time?
I’m actually feeling better now. Not better exactly, stronger I should say. Day by day I feel more and more like myself. Don’t ask me where all this energy is coming from. I have no idea, neither do the doctors, and what does it really matter, anyways. Fact is I feel good.
I do. And it’s been weeks since my last session. I should be feeling like shit but I don’t. Not physically. Justin though. Justin, Justin, Justin. Talk about taking this hard. You’d think he was the one that just went through how many months of radiation. You’d think he’s the one that needed support all the way through, that his life changed dramatically.
It did a little bit, but only because mine changed forever. So now he punishes me. Because being sick wasn’t punishment enough. He expected me to be sick and polite. Sick and unselfish. Sick and still loveable, or caring, or give a damn about whatever the fuck he’s going through trying to deal with my sickness.
I sound angry, but I’m really not. I feel good. I don’t even know why I feel this good but I do. Justin will come around. As soon as he realizes this thing isn’t about him. That none of my actions have anything to do with him. I do what I do so I can get through each day. If that means staying somewhere else for a few days, then so be it.
And yeah I probably should’ve checked in, sent a quick text to let him know I’m still thinking about him. That I’m just taking some time. But why? Why do I need to remind of him of that. I didn’t do this kind of thing before I was sick, so obviously that’s why I’m doing it.
But no. He wants explanations. He wants to feel like he’s the one helping me get through this. He wants to feel special and let me know he can handle me being sick.
Wait, let me stop. Just for one second let me stop so I don’t sound like a complete bitch. Because I am in love with this guy. Still. And I’m lucky he cares enough to want to be the difference. But that’s not what I need. Not from him. I just need him to be there when I need someone there.
I know that sounds like stand-bye. Like I’m kind of treating him like a side piece, or an affair. But I don’t see it like that. I’m just trying to feel better. And wherever that leads me, that’s where I’ll go.
But I know that goes the same for him, too. And I know what makes Justin feel better. I feel a burn every time I think about him sitting next to her, or her next to him. A deep burn, like I’m still in that goddamn time machine.
But I’m not that worried. It’s more my pride than anything. I know she’s just a taste, not a threat. They probably hooked up, and I knew they’ve been out together. I’ll give him a hall pass on this one.
I know I’m the one.
“Back to being beautiful.” I’m in the mirror now, getting pretty for no reason. Not overdoing it though. Not me. I just need to look great always now. Every time Justin walks through that door, I need him to look at me. Look at me like he did when we found each other.
So I’m back on his lap again when we’re on the couch. I’m back staring at him till he jumps me. He’s back counting my beauty marks every morning, new ones each sunrise. Some spots he touches tickle. Others make me shake.
“Where have you been,” he says to me one morning. “I missed you so much.”
Guys. They say the most insensitive things without even knowing it. I let it slide though. I have been missing for a while. A lost Treasure if you will. And he’s been digging and digging and I’ve been hiding away in Samantha’s tomb.
I’m here now though. And so is Justin. And so are our feelings. Not like they ever left, but it was hard to feel anything other than pain for so many months. Now that pain is gone, and neither of us know how long, and neither of us care how long.
All we care about is that the pain is gone, or on hold. Doctors are saying that everything looks good for now, but that I’ll eventually need more surgery. Serious surgery. The only word I hear is eventually, which means not now. So I don’t think about it.
I think about Justin, and how he’s thinking about me. Only me. I can feel it. I can hear it in the way he talks to me. The way he says “Treasure” like that’s exactly what I am. And that is exactly what I am, and who I am. I knew that, but now that awareness means more to me than ever before.
But there’s a problem. Samantha. Not a problem like she’s purposely stirring up trouble, I just can’t help myself when I’m around her. And even when I’m not around her I want to be. Like she’s holding some part of me hostage and dangling it subliminally in my mind.
I can’t call it temptation because it’s not. It’s deeper than that. Somewhere between love and lust. A white cloud floating below a blue sky. That’s us. And I’m starting to feel guilty so that means there’s something there that shouldn’t be. But she means too much to me to just give her up because of some asinine feeling.
“What are you thinking about?” Justin caught me blank staring. “You good?”
“We should all hang out one day.” I’m still wondering if that’s a good idea as I say it. “Me, you, and Samantha. We should hang out. You’d really like her.”
We’re laying in bed. Justin found some new beauty marks on my toes.
“That sounds like a cool idea.”
“Really? OK perfect. I’ll set up a date. You up to venturing off Queen street for a while. I know Bloor is kind of a trip for you.”
Justin grabs my ankles and starts tickling my feet. So annoying, even more annoying is that I can’t stop laughing. I’m telling him stop but I can’t stop laughing. Finally I just give in. Laughter is the only thing harder to fight than tears. Now the duvet is on the floor. Justin’s hands are up my shirt.
This is that love.
A love I can only have with Justin. This is what he missed, what I missed, what I thought for a second might be in trouble. It’s so much easier to admit that now that everything’s good. Now that those moments of fear are gone. Pretending isn’t hard when you don’t have to do it.
And I don’t.
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The following is an excerpt from my unreleased novel BEAUTY SCARS. Hope you guys enjoyed it. The full story will be out hopefully by the spring.
Follow me right here on Medium Kern Carter for more stories.
Purchase my first novella THOUGHTS OF A FRACTURED SOUL available here on Amazon.
More from me www.kerncarter.com
