Cry Your Heart Out
On the days you can’t manage to lift yourself out of bed, miracles can happen
“Cry your heart out” by adele manages to explain how I’ve felt for the past two weeks.
Drowning in a storm of my own volition.
“When will I begin to feel like me again,” sings Adele, although, it is a question I have asked myself lying in bed bawling my eyes out. For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling depressed.
I simply didn’t feel like myself. My energy was very low. I felt very tired and I didn’t want to get out of bed.
My life was still continuing whether I showed up or not. I forced myself up out of bed to get to work and attend class regardless of crying on my way there, or on my way home.
I even found myself crying in the breakroom of my job. I hope no one has seen that episode on the cameras or ever decides to play it back.
I cried in the bathroom of my job from just looking in the mirror and seeing how much I looked like how I felt.
I am pretty sure I terrified my Uber driver when I randomly began wiping fervently at my leaking eyelids in the back of his car.
This period of my life is rough, but I have managed to keep going despite all the pain in my heart.
The negativity of my mind was destroying me.
The insecurities of my life all came pouring out at once. So I did what I’ve always done best. Self-isolate.
There were many late nights of me not wanting to sleep because it felt like every day I woke up, things both got and felt worse.
It is a scary period of time to not know whether the next day will get better, to not know if I would get better.
I didn't talk to anyone really.
Most might’ve thought I was just having a bad day. People don't see me often enough or pay attention nearly enough to see that it has been a bad week let alone a disastrous couple of months.
I am a young black woman in America, a child of immigrants. I must be strong.
“I got this,” is what I often say to myself.
This time it felt like I didn’t have shit.
The responsibilities of my life presently feel like more than I can handle. No one is ever happy. I never feel like enough for anyone. Someone is always asking for more. I don’t have more right now.
A person who gives and gives eventually has nothing left to give.
Here I am with nothing more to give.
Giving to everything and everyone but myself.
Although it is a new week.
I am being pulled out of my sorrow by my many supporters.
Although at this point, I am scared.
How will I assimilate into my normal? I feel so embarrassed.
I am wondering what my people will think. The words of a text message continue to echo in my mind.
“Its alright to not be alright.” Words of a friend who has known me since the second grade.
She’s right. All this time so many people have been asking me if I am okay. I have been lying to everyone. I have rarely ever seen anyone admit to not being okay.
I have not been okay for a while. That’s okay.
I have to become comfortable with not being okay. Life can not always be good and I can’t always be happy.
Here lies a lesson, a lesson in life.
