Downplaying
On: Gaining More Confidence
There are things that I will myself to do simply because I know I should do them. I want to stand out, but I also do not want to be noticed. How are we what we want and what we do not want at the same time? In what way is the brain conducting this part of my life and why?
“The brain is susceptible to degenerative disorders, such as Parkinson’s disease, dementias including Alzheimer’s disease, and multiple sclerosis. Psychiatric conditions, including schizophrenia and clinical depression, are thought to be associated with brain dysfunctions. The brain can also be the site of tumours, both benign and malignant; these mostly originate from other sites in the body.” — (Wikipedia: human brain)
The human brain also controls most of the body’s activities and functions, yet we do not use it to its full capacity. And here I am, writing about wanting to gain more confidence. You may ask, “In what?” Well, everything. In my writing, in how I view myself, my work ethic, my interactions with people, my success (or lack thereof), etc. I want more for myself and of myself, but I am fearful of what could come when I give more of myself to gain what I want. As a creative, this could be something I may find myself struggling with throughout the rest of my learning years.
I have articles in me that I have yet to write, due to internal second-guessing and the constant critiquing of something that has not come to light. There have been no words devoted to these such articles but I have already edited and re-edited them in my head without committing them to paper. Why am I so afraid?! I over-analyze. I assess and reassess. I break down, shield, contain, and shelter. And still, the work never sees the light of day. It is stressful, but I am the source of this stress.
Why am I so afraid?!
I want to become more fluid in my thought process when writing. I want to let go and let loose — no shackles, chains, or walls. I want to be able to sit in front of my laptop or desktop, watch my fingers glide across the keyboard as quickly as they do and free-write without constantly judging myself. “You are your own worst critic.” I am . . .
Appropriate. Accurate. The Truth.
And it does hurt — the more time I spend mentally censoring pieces of myself, the less I let down my guard and simply share what I am here to share.
It is much of the same in my dating life. I poke, prod, review, and scrutinize my appearance so much that I convince myself the person interested in me is doing the same. The person I would like to be interested in me but have not approached, in my head, is doing much worse. This is what I mentally tell myself is happening when in fact, I am so unsure of things that I cannot venture out to find what is actually happening. I am what one might call a walking self-fulfilling prophecy.
Yes, I fear rejection . . . Who doesn’t? In my case, though, not only is it the rejection of a part of me, it would be a rejection of all of me — my entire existence. I cannot separate the two. Thus, I am afraid of dating, of going out with someone in whom I am remotely interested.
I am constantly on guard, awaiting their true feelings. After all, they can’t really be interested in me and if they are, why? I spend so much time in my own head, dissecting all the thoughts there, I forget to live. I forget to let it all go and watch it unfold the way it is meant to — the way it needs to.
I am having stern conversations with myself — deep monologues where I encourage my mental self to see the brighter sides of me — to explore who I am without such a critical eye. It is terrifying, but it is necessary. I want to be able to stand on these two feet and speak confidently about who I am without hiding behind who people think I am.
I want to speak confidently about my work and not shy away from it when someone wishes to speak about it. I agonized, literally agonized over joining the Medium Partnership Program. There are two publications in particular in which I am interested in submitting pitches, both affiliated with Medium as partners. To my understanding, my submissions would need to be behind the metered paywall. This introductory locked piece was hanging in the balance — its fate awaiting my final decision.
I have — have always had reservations about this functionality — this aspect of Medium. It still does not feel true-to-form to me. I have fears: Will it be more of a headache than it is worth? Will I feel pressure to produce more? Is my work actually good enough for people to spend their hard-earned money reading online? Readers who are not subscribed to Medium, will they be willing to use a monthly freebie to read my locked work?
How to act and not act? How to gain and not gain? The purposeful conundrum, is it not? However, I am not black and white, and red all over and this riddle does not need solving.
What have I decided? I will lock a couple of articles each week. A Cornered Gurl will still be a read-for-all community as I am passionate about this one thing and I will only submit locked pieces to a few publications (those willing to publish them) from time to time. To be frank, most of my work will still be unlocked.
I want to stop second-guessing myself and the theories of change. I will be the first to state that as soon as Medium implemented this program, I wanted to run. I have seen other platforms tank when money entered the room and in my experience, that is all I knew — post monetary implementation destruction. I did not — do not want that for this platform.
I have ideas that are taking shape, things that I want to do with my writing, for myself, and others (particularly contributors to ACG). If I can do this one thing, maybe I will gain the courage to do others in the realm of writing as well. Maybe, I will begin to shed in other areas of living if only I can conquer the slightest bit of fear.
Now, to gain the courage to send these two pitches for review . . .
I know that I am more than who I see, I just have to make myself see it.
©2019 Tremaine L. Loadholt. All Rights Reserved.
