At one point during my college journey, one of my friends decided to join a sorority. In one breath I said, “Damn, she’s abandoning me,” and in another, “Wow, I’m really not that cool in comparison to her.”
The time I could have spent being happy for my friend embarking on a new path, I squandered with my own insecurities concerning abandonment and “being cool.”
Jealousy really is one of the ickiest emotional reactions anyone can experience, but I’ve always thought of it as very human. It is natural to feel the need to compare and wish for what others have when we are conditioned to value the “best thing” after the “best thing.”
Other instances came up that made me realize, at least for me, the issues were deeper than jealousy, but anger and disappointment with myself. Always feeling like you are falling short of what people need/want from you can really put a damper on your spirit. Living for that approval or someone else’s “okay” is not the sort of place you want your self-esteem stored.
So yes, jealousy, like comparison, is a thief of joy, but I think leaning into this feeling can tell us a lot about the root of our problems. I propose that we embrace jealousy in a way that permits us to lean into our relations with those we are jealous of. This is not to spy on them, but really figure out why we feel our trajectory should be similar to theirs. In what ways can we improve how we view ourselves and our own goals? Hell, do we even have goals or are our comparisons empty? What do we feel we lack in comparison to them?
The “jealous bitch”
As someone who has inhabited “the jealous bitch” role, I can say that sometimes our comparisons are empty and our minds are just stuck on a loop. But, whether the jealousy can be leaned into or not, we must be cognizant of how it robs us of certain pleasures.
Jealousy creates an unnecessary distance between you and someone else.
I know all too well that being jealous of someone can prevent you from opening up to them and learning about who they really are. When we become jealous of someone or where they are in life, we conjure an image of someone that doesn’t really exist. This becomes a border that is grueling to cross.
Audre Lorde didn’t discuss jealousy in Sister Outsider, but she did discuss the unnecessary anger Black women can harbor towards one another caused by white supremacy and internalized anti-Blackness. Jealousy, in connection to unbridled hate, is another result of these traumas.
Jealousy places unrealistic expectations onto others
When we are only focused on the image we conjured of someone and their work (as well as their journey getting there), we deny them full personhood. No one deserves that treatment. Where there are denials of personhood, there is disrespect as well as erasure.
As someone begins to show us the fullness of who they are, we should embrace that and let go of this false image of what we thought they’d be. I’ve had people tell me they were jealous of the fact that I lived in a two-parent household, which undoubtedly comes with significant financial privileges, but the nature of that household caused a lot of issues for me.
In embracing relations with those who we are jealous of, we must accept who they are, not who we think they are. And, when they show us who they are, we must build self-esteem that is not built on anything but OUR internal knowings.
Jealousy robs you of this moment in time, which is all we have.
We only have what we have right now. The future is near but that doesn’t mean we have access to it. When we’re spending our time looking after other folks' business, we lose out on time to focus on what we can do in the here and now.
This is the most powerful realization regarding jealousy that I’ve come to. Letting go of what I did in the past, what I must do in the future, and giving my love to the present is highly influential.
I didn’t write this to really try to flame myself or others for feeling jealous, but to really point out the real consequences that come as a result of it. Let’s all do ourselves a service and regularly look at what motivates us to act and do, as well as consider where we want our self-esteem to be stored.
*The universe has been sending me extremely obvious signs that I need to address this with myself and others. Check out, if you like, some of the signs that have been popping up via social media.*
