Just Say No; It’s As Easy As It Sounds.
Merely hours ago before coming upon this writing topic, I was contemplating the voice, and how necessary it is to practice the skill of projecting it so that your limits and boundaries are heard. I was also reflecting on my own growth over the years, as I have learned to carve out my own voice to create the space that I need. I also realize that many people are not skillful in expressing themselves, a grave drought in abilities I believe.
Ultimately, our voices are our tools on the battlefield of life, and for a semi-introvert like me, perfecting my voice required missed opportunities, quiet, preparatory practice and unabandoned assertiveness, because I am naturally a listener. Therefore, I had to learn how to get a word in edgewise when I realized that people were not as accommodating of me as I was of them. They would not let me speak, so I had to find ways to insert my opinion without shame, and so I learned how to value myself enough to know that what I had to say mattered, and therefore, I said it.
Saying ‘no’ should not be a difficult thing. Seriously. If you have healthy relationships, expressing yourself would be a breeze, as you are in a space where you are allowed to act freely and within rights. Expressing the limits of your inclinations would occur naturally because the intention of the space provided is to be tolerant, attentive and accommodating. This is what real love looks like, as all involved parties value peace, which should not be underrated.
It is relationships/individuals/spaces that are contentious that will fight against your ‘no,’ and you would know and feel it prior to it being said, based on how much internal fight you are getting just to harness the courage to say it. This is a grave indication that somehow you have gotten too close with someone/something who does not value you for what you bring to the table. More rather, they may value what they are getting from you, and anytime that you begin to behave in a way to threaten that, they contend.
To say ‘no’ to yourself is another ordeal, but it is easily managed as well if you are like me, which is to take enormous amounts of time to reflect and debate with myself and to examine my order of priorities carefully. Truthfully, I have gotten into trouble for not saying enough “noes” to myself, so wisdom reminds me to take more time before making decisions, to consider what it is that I am not seeing that may trip me up, and to overall consider the total cost of my choices.
Self-management is a necessity in adulthood, and the earlier you recognize that you need to have this skill to foster a life that you could love, the better off you will be. Being able to modulate your own psychic needs is a skill, and therefore you must take time out to practice and to perfect it.
For the times that I have felt overwhelmed with emotion to say “yes,” I chalk up any regrets to a chance to learn about myself, and to see what it was that I was thinking that caused me to err in judgment, and then I “fix” the error.
The most difficult times that I have experienced were the times when I did not know what to do, which is a frustrating place to be as a person. Gratefully, I had an aunt who once advised me to “just do nothing” at those times, which helped me to soften my emotions to a place where I could think about what I valued and wanted. Then I felt more sure, and confidence kicked in to where I could express with words why I made the choice that I did.
Indeed, this requires dedication to preserving the positive aspects of yourself, as acting brashly is what causes people to make wrong choices. The best thing that you could do for yourself is to take time, as passing time truly helps you decide what is important and worth keeping as time goes by.
Finally, I work really hard to be true to myself. I always believed that if I kept myself unadulterated from trying to be like everyone else and liked by everyone else, then I would be tooling my own senses to guide me, which would only improve over time as long as I stayed committed to my authenticity.
To love yourself truly is a wonderful thing, as when you are secure in your own identity, you have one less internal distraction confusing your senses, so you become quite stolid and secure in yourself. Honestly, this is not as easy, as it required a lot of private and public battles that taught me to not be afraid to stand out even if I felt like a sore thumb.
It grew my courage however, and I have to say that the reward was worth the experiences. Ultimately, saying ‘no’ is akin to finding your voice, and in today’s world, we do not value the freedom of self-expression for naught. It is actually intrinsic, the force that rises up internally when something needs to be said, so it’s going to happen for you, where words will rise up when after they have been frequently suppressed.
Otherwise, your mental health would be at risk, and a whole host of other problems await you if you are so focused on suppressing your voice. Self-expression is a matter of growth and intrinsic health, and it is Toni Morrison that said that there is no weight greater than bearing an untold story.
Thus, the voice wants to be heard, and the kindest thing we can do for someone is to let them speak their piece. I do think we should practice what we preach, so it behooves you to “be the person that you want to see in the world.” This will only foster helpful relationships and people would want to hear you speak, as you are gathering people who are interested in you for your qualities.
They may even want to be like you, which is a satisfying treat of just being yourself.
So, if you want to get good at saying ‘no,’ just practice by saying no for the things that you are sure about. For the rest that give you trouble, invoke your need for time and if they won’t give it, take that as a cue to value yourself over them. To me, I am worth it.
