Love is welcome here
I’ve been in love many times, but I don’t know if I’m good at it.
I fell in love with the boy who told me in the third grade that the cut on my face was cool and looked like a tiger stripe.
I fell in love with the kid who used the flashlight from my phone to make shadow puppets on the back of the chairs in the movie theater.
I fell in love with the shy boy who stuttered when he talked. He was just afraid of his own words as I was afraid of mine.
I fell in love with the stranger who I met in the dark at a basement party, who asked me for my number by whispering in my ear and shining his phone on mine so we could exchange numbers.
I would run out of fingers if I counted how many times I fell in love. Some say it’s the Libra in me and I would say they are not wrong. Libras are the “lovers” of the zodiac. For me, the stars always align.
If you asked about my first love, I would say my first love was like the north star that pointed me in the direction of all the rest.
First love was puppy love, young love, and became distant love.
At the start of love, we went on first dates to Applebees, where my first love and I would sit, side by side, in the booth because I was too shy to eat in front of him.
By the end of love, we had laughed, cried, and shared the ugliest and most beautiful parts of one another. There was no room for hiding.
My first love was my mirror who held all of who I was and accepted me as is. The first to love me, even before I loved myself.
When love ended I came in contact with other loves.
A love that was fun and had no strings holding us together.
Another love that started off as friendship then turned into a song. One day the music became too loud and harmonies no longer mixed.
A love that stripped me of everything, at times making me feel lifeless. At the same time, it became a love that helped me to create life and love in human form.
When all those loves faded and there was nothing else but me and the sound of my own heartbeat, I sat in isolation reflecting on all my different relationships. Like I said, I have fallen in love many times, but it seemed like my first love was the only one who fell with me. There were days when I felt like he would be the only one who ever would.
For the duration of my first love and my time together I wrote him letters every month. After a lot of reading and self-reflection, I realized that words of affirmation are my love language and it was something I shared with him. I also realized I never really knew his language or tried to speak it. I just took the love he gave me and let it fill me.
Make no mistake, I loved my first love with my heart, but my heart didn’t really know how to love. Every love after has been trial and error, with a whole lot of error.
After years of failed relationships, therapy, and forcing myself to look in my own mirror, I’m still not even sure if I’m ready for love yet.
I’ve been in love many times because I wasn’t scared to fall, now I have a fear of heights.
But, deep down, I’m still a lover and I’m still curious. I owe that to my first love.
If I were to write him a letter today it wouldn’t be long.
But I would thank him for showing me that love, even if it was young and fresh, it exists. Even if it doesn’t last, it’s out there. I would tell him how I used to think there was only one person out there for us and that’s why I held on so long, even though I probably should have let him go so many times. Now I feel like there are so many opportunities for love and maybe one day I’ll have an opportunity that will last a lifetime like the one we used to talk about.
Or maybe I’ll have a love for another season and then another love after that. But, whatever the case I’m thankful for the first love and I hope along the way love wasn’t ruined for him. That love has been good to him and that his life is full of it.
Because people who open the doors for love should be received with the greatest love there is from a person who loves well.
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