“meet me happy; leave me happy”
My partner likes to repeat this phrase to me:
“You meet me happy; you will leave me happy!”
I know, because she has explained before, that she doesn’t mean it the way I take it; but that doesn’t stop it from bothering me.
I don’t know if it is logical efficiency talking or my emotional inadequacy. Perhaps both. In either case, it begs the question:
My emotional self is screaming, “I would be devastated if you leave me; how could you be happy?”
My logical self is opining, “If my presence does not make you happy, then why am I here?”
What she means is that I shouldn’t stay if I am only staying for her. She will be okay no matter what I do. I should do what is best for me.
I get that and I’m okay with that. I would be okay, too. Okay in the sense that I would be emotionally disemboweled but functional.
Unfortunately, being the literalist that I am, I can’t get past the word choice. Happy. I suppose I could take to looking at it like:
I met her happy
I made her happier
I leave her happy
That way my presence made a difference, even if it’s just an “er”.
I don’t consider myself insecure but this particular phrase just plays whatever insecurities I do have like a fiddle, every time. It’s not so much that I want her to cry over me. I think about my death often and I have no feelings towards whether people miss me or not (see my piece about the phrase, ‘I miss you’).
I think it is because she means so much to me that the thought that I’m just an ‘er’, makes me feel like I’m not doing enough. I know I’m not inadequate within myself; but, maybe, I’m inadequate for her. She deserves an epic kind of love!
I know she loves me and that I do make her happy; but she deserves more than just ‘er’. She deserves ‘est’!
I suppose even then my departure will still mean a reversion to happy. So maybe it is a mute point. I have no plans on leaving her now or anytime in the near or distant future, but I suppose the statement can also infer that she leaves me. That terrifies me!
She often jokes that if she dies first, she will haunt me in my sleep. Honestly, I think I’d love that. But we aren’t talking about death as much as departure and now that I think about it, I wouldn’t want her pining after me, prolonging her pain, anyway.
I love her and want what’s best for her so, for her sake, maybe I should settle for being an ‘er’. Who knows? I might even make an ‘est’ out of it.
One can only hope.
© Ryan J. Pearce 2021
