musings:
faces & flowers
from the moment i arrived here, i’ve been a daughter —a first, a grand, and a great. a decade ago i was preparing to be a mother. since, i’ve been finding myself and as of late, acknowledging the iterations i’ve lived. the many faces. hairstyles. pseudonyms. perspectives. changes.
it’s been hard reconciling the things i've said to and about my past selves with what i’d say to them now. i wouldn’t berate them about the barely-there belly. i’d gladly accept the praise given for their style. they’d know i was proud of them and the somethings they made out of nothings. but that’s the easy part.
the hard part is realizing i still disparage my current self. fingers crossed, one day future me will look at captured moments of current me. unfortunately the probability of the same internal conversations and considerations is high given my penchant for telling this self the same things whispered to the pasts. fortunately for me, i now have an awareness that the formers didn’t. i’m less concerned with others’ acceptance & more focused on reveling in my me-ness. giving grace & holding space. enjoying my own energy.
the many layers and identities are always present, even when forgotten. my journey of rediscovery revealed not only my selves, but also my ancestors. i now know i don’t walk alone; as i live & breathe, so do they within me. just as gma’s transition served as a bridge from our physical relationship to a spiritual one, my ori, my higher self, connects my being with my guides and spirits.
through all of the situations and wish-were-differents, a consistent, elemental me has been there, often overlooked but also hidden. unaccepted and unembraced. but when you know better, you do better.
this leg of the journey is about acknowledging the names and titles and versions. minding what i say, unlearning hurtful habits, and releasing false truths. when i look back at this picture of this me — in gma’s slip-turned-loungegown, against the throw gifted by my mama — i will be able to say i spoke kinder words to my belly
& breasts.
& hips.
& cheeks.
& heart.
& efforts.
i held all the parts, all the changes, and i relished in their dopeness. i gave them their flowers in the moment.
