My Burnout Changed What Success Means for Me
And now it just feels… right
The Capitalist Dream
I grew up in communist Romania until I was nine years old. Getting out of communism and embracing capitalism and democracy came with several common dreams for my generation.
One of the big ones was to reach the senior levels of management in corporations. And this is what I set out to do early on in my career: started with being a strategy consultant in an international consultancy in Brazil, continued with various strategy and planning roles in a big international corporation, first back home in Romania and then in London, UK.
I loved working in that corporation and I also had other roles during the eight years spent with them (one of my favourites was being a Project Manager for the Employee Engagement programme of the company).
But then, just shortly after moving to the UK with the new job, I was made redundant. Nothing new for many of my friends here in the UK, but it was something new for me. I took some time off, but then I started to apply again and wanted to change careers — this time, focusing on employee engagement. The fact that from the almost 11 years of work experience (at that time), I had loved the most my role in employee engagement did not escape me. I felt a lot more fulfilled when I was positively impacting people’s lives, so I wanted to continue with that.
The Reality
But that didn’t work out quite well, as I only had less than two years experience in that area, versus 9+ years in strategy. I was only offered entry-level jobs in employee engagement, and I did not want to take a 50%+ salary cut… At least, at that time, I was not ok with that. It took me one year and a fully-fledged burnout to see that maybe that would have been a better choice.
It was then that I answered an invitation for an interview from another international company: it was not in employee engagement, but they’ve made the job look very good: I was to lead three teams, of around 15–20 people, have two team-leaders in my care, I would be able to coach them and grow them and also be allowed to bring my strategy background to improve things in the team and the larger department.
It sounded so good that of course, I accepted. It proved to be a big lie. The job was 100% operational, most of the time being spent on putting out fires, but without having the power to take away the matches from the fire-starters. My to-do list for the day was often written on two pages and new items were making their way on that list continuously — and all of it was operational.
The training I received when I arrived in the department was minimal, even if my predecessor had the best intentions: every time we were sitting together so that she would explain all the systems and procedures, she would be called on to resolve some very urgent issues (yeah… she hadn’t found a way to take those annoying matches away either…).
Slowly, but Surely, Approaching Burnout
Because I wanted to take care of the development of my two team leaders and learn faster all the details of my job, for at least three months after I started the job, I was using all my weekends to learn the processes and practices of the department and to define my “strategy” for growing my team leaders and my teams. I was also finding some pieces of training or books or articles that would be useful for them and putting together the best steps for them to take to reach their development goals. And after I started to get more comfortable with the job requirements, I continued to use my weekends so that I could complete all the tasks on my list (did I mention that list was growing like crazy every day?)…
My line manager was micro-managing most of her direct reports (myself included) and had very clear opinions about what one should delegate to others and whatnot. And while she was often telling me “oh, no, you shouldn’t work during the weekend”, she kept on putting new things on my list, that only I should do and not delegate.
It took me more than six months on the job to learn to say “OK, so if you want me to do this, what from my list can be deleted or delayed?”… Damn! Always wanting to make everyone happy, I ended up always putting myself last.
Oh, and that promise from the interview that I can use my strategy background to bring improvements — never happened! Any idea I was bringing (both myself, but also my colleagues), was receiving a big NO…
By that time I was already feeling burnt out: I was not being able to relax at home in the evenings or weekends, I could not sleep anymore — most of the time I was falling asleep around 3:00 am and waking up at 6:45 am. Sundays, already in the afternoon, I was already getting nervous and/or sad. At times I was even starting to cry and ask my partner to stay over, as I needed his support. It was that bad…
And trust me, my “normal self” is always smiling, optimistic and joyful. Always sees the glass half full.
But during those months, I simply didn’t want to go back to work on Mondays. I was feeling stressed to do things well, but at the same time, detached from my work and its results, and did not find any joy in it. Even when we were doing great and projects were working out well, I didn’t feel any joy. Even when I was being proposed to take part in “amazing” projects, I didn’t feel anything. Nothing that had to do with this job was amazing for me. Not at that time. Not anymore. It meant nothing to me.
And yet, I didn't listen to my gut: from the first week in that job I felt it was not what was presented in the interview and that I wouldn’t like it. But I’ve told myself: Come on! This is just another challenge! You were accustomed to strategy and planning, it’s normal that an operational department would feel different. It’s just the inertia talking. And I’m sure that part of it was that, but mostly, it was simple: that was not a job and an environment that I liked and that worked for me. And at times, it’s ok to admit that we cannot do everything and that not all jobs are for us, that we shine in different environments… but I didn’t want to admit that… “No, of course, I can do this!” or “Oh, but how would it look like on my CV if I only stayed six months with a company?”…
Building Freedom
So I refused to admit that until the ninth month in that job and three months after the start of my burnout. I gave my notice. It felt so good! The remaining three months that I had to spend with the company, I felt a lot better.
Just the fact of knowing that I will be leaving that job behind made everything better. And I even dared to stand up for myself more… somehow, it was freeing to know that I chose to leave and it was now just a matter of weeks before I could be free. It gave me back my power. Too bad that I didn’t find a way to feel like that before… I guess there is still so much I can learn…
I remember my team members and colleagues (with some of them I still keep in touch) telling me how I started to smile again and be “myself” again. They’d missed the person they met at the beginning. And I was a lot more efficient also… Damn! What can the “smell of freedom” do to one… (dopamine at work, for the neuroscience aficionados ;) ).
One very good thing I have done during that time was to get certified in an applied psychology tool called Process Communication Model. By the end of that awful job experience, I had already taken the exam and was certified as a trainer, ready to deliver sessions.
And I decided to start a business as a freelance trainer. It had so much to do with my passion for helping people, that I wonder why haven’t I’ve done that earlier… I guess my childhood “capitalist” dream had been too strong.
I am still building my training business. I’ve got certified in applied neuroscience too and I am loving it. I can help people understand themselves better, understand what motivates them and what stresses them, and how they can help themselves and others. For me, this is a better dream. A dream that gives to others, and it gives to me too.
I’m still far from my high corporate income, but I am so much happier. I can choose how I spend my time and my work feels like it really makes a difference in other people’s lives. I write on my blog to share my knowledge and give tips on how people can improve their lives… I write here, I share more and more of myself: the good and the bad. And I feel free.
This, to me, feels like the right type of success. And I know this is a very personal opinion and for you, success might be defined differently. And that is fine. The important thing is — how do you feel inside? Are you happy? This is the question I ask myself now. And the answer is not always a resounding “YES”, as there are hard moments too… but on average, my answer is a lot more positive than before… and I’m still a Work-In-Progress, I know that. But I also know that I’m heading in the right direction.
It “only” took a burnout for me to learn some very useful things about life… but I did learn them and I’d like to summarise them here for you. I hope they will serve you well.
The Lessons I Have Learnt
- Don’t always trust what’s presented in an interview: That was my mistake. If the job would have been as it was presented to me in the interview, I think I would have loved it and would have been happy to put my time and energy (and, at times, over time) to make it work. So ask your questions too. And then ask more probing questions. The interview goes both ways. It’s not just you being interviewed. The company too. I wish I would have done this in that interview… On the other hand, I’m grateful for the experience… It brought me where I am today.
- Trust your gut: From the first week in the new job, I could see that I didn’t like it and that it didn’t motivate me at all. I wish I would have listened to my gut and gave my notice at that time. There were still companies calling me for interviews, so most probably, I would have gotten something soon… But no… I had to challenge myself…
- Sometimes, it’s ok to say NO to self-imposed challenges: some challenges we set for our self are worth the trouble (eating healthier, reading more, doing more sports are some of my current challenges). But some others might not be worth it. For me, certainly, the challenge I’ve set myself to prove that I can do an operational job when my gut was telling me to run away, fast, was one that I should have skipped.
- Find your “happy” and stick with it :): Your “happy” might look very different from mine. But when you find a job or activity that makes you wake up with a smile… that’s already a good sign. Listen to yourself more, find what makes you happy and do it. It can be a hobby, it can be a new job, a new project… whatever it is, make space for it in your life. I’m certainly glad I did.
