My Love Letter To 2020
Dear 2020,
You were supposed to be different from the rest of them. That’s what was so dangerous about you. You brought a false hope that once you came around everything was going to be better. You brought the illusion of a fresh start that led to disappointment within three months of getting to know who you really were. What made it even harder was that I wasn’t expecting all the baggage that you brought. I thought I could handle it until I started to see the different strains and variations that came with it. I wish you had taken care of those issues before you brought them into my life. I thought I could ignore them until they started spilling out into areas of my life where they had no business being. You took away my safe spaces and replaced them with daily rising cases.
To think, I was sold on the dreams that others had about you and what you were going to do for us; the way my friends and exes talked about you showed me so much promise. You were supposed to be the thing that made me get my shit together, and in a way, you did — just not in the way I expected. I learned so much because of you. You showed me things about my friends, employers, exes, children and myself that no one has ever been able to show me. I never knew how much of an impact you could make on my life and those closest to me. I should hate you so much right now because you forced me to change, you forced me to adapt. But after saying it out loud, it doesn’t sound so bad after all, does it?
No one saw the tears I had to hide in between car rides to work or while doing chores just to stay strong for the kids and the ones closest to me. My most significant breakdowns were the ones in the shower where the water would hide the tears running down my face, and the sound of the water would muffle the sound of the sobs that I would make.
The executives I spent most of the year pitching to, didn’t understand that every time I told my story, it was like reopening a wound that hadn’t fully healed. I told myself that my shoulders weren’t big enough to carry this weight. But if not me, then who?
My kids needed an example, and I realized that I couldn’t wait for someone to be that example. I had to lead by example, and I couldn’t allow you to continue to affect me like this. When you knocked me off my game, everything that I thought I once knew I began to question. As a result, I was forced to learn about problems I didn’t think I had and was forced to take care of them.
At times it was unclear who was getting more or taking more. I felt you were being selfish but wasn’t sure if I was ungrateful. Everyone told me that they were losing their jobs and houses, but it didn’t seem fair compared to me losing myself. I thought I could just suck it up for a little bit longer. I told myself, “The year is almost over, and once it is, I can rest, reset and start fresh, but that was the thinking that got me into this mess in the first place. I put you up on a pedestal. I remembered starting the year by telling people that we were going to see things differently this year because of our vision and the year being matched (20/20).
That was my first problem; setting up expectations where I didn’t have any control. You were the year of uncertainty, where the only thing certain was the lack of control that we had. You took so many choices away from me and forced me to make choices that I didn’t want to make. I didn’t know pivoting would be an essential skill, and although I haven’t mastered it, I’m getting better thanks to all the practice I’ve had from the things you’ve thrown at me this year.
What I didn’t think I was ready for, you forced me to prepare for, and I resent you for that because I’d rather do things at my own pace, and your antics have disrupted it. It’s the self-doubt that brought on the anxiety that made me feel like I wasn’t enough, but after 12/31 11:59 pm, I don’t ever want to hear your name again. I’m taking what I’ve learned and gained and leaving you with your variations and your strains. I’m moving on to the long term, where I am focused on planting seeds, watering them, nurturing them and watching them grow. If not for me to reap a harvest, then for my kids and my community.
XOXO,
Los
