My Story with Anger
And How It Is Affecting my Writing Process…
“There is no Bad Day, There is Only Bad ‘Something’ Day”-Me.
Every time I feel angry, I wrap my arms around my body and I smile while looking at the mirror.
Because I know that ‘anger’ is too strong of a name for that painful, clutching sensation that starts at the base of the throat and ravages the heart against the ribcage.
Hurt. Maybe that is what we need to start calling it from now on.
Happy March, everyone!
Amidst the unsettling developments in the world, snow has fallen in the small town that I’ve sought for my postgraduate studies.
Being an hour's drive from the nearest city, even this calm and seemingly isolated town wasn’t exempt from the drama of life and the sour that stems from the news and environment of constant pressure and expectations.
But first, why do we get angry?
The last time I got angry was when I was starting to feel that a friend might not be who they seem to be.
Shortly before that, I was crying from finally being able to see the love I’d been blindsided to by the people who’ve been around me all this time. How come I only saw it now—as I was on my way to becoming my person?
“I don’t want to leave them behind” has become a sentence I hear more and more often from my peers, and echoing inside my head.
But it didn’t stop there. “… I want to bring them with me, wherever I go”.
I didn’t realize the meaning of these words until now.
Right then, I saw that my anger stemmed from love; the one I couldn’t give once. I saw that this love could hardly be the same and that I didn’t need that kind of comfort right now. No matter how I pulled into the strings, I couldn’t slow down this crazy ride towards ‘the’ future — as a high achiever.
What also strikes me most from my experience with anger lately is how it never really disappears either. Sometimes, the flame dies down, even seems nonexistent, but it ignites as soon as my mind drifts to the past, as soon as I start to ask questions, and as soon as I look at my reflection and see my parents’ morphs on the screen during our video calls.
“No, they aren’t getting younger.”
So lately, I’ve been trying to smile more; when there is so much in the news to be angry about, do we know what (exactly) gets us most angry?
Anger molded into hurt, and that hurt made me hold onto my integrity as a writer…
As creators, finding our people somewhere new is more of a creative survival mechanism than a matter of ‘fitting in’ (yet another linguistic decision that I’ve made).
Currently, I’m about to start my second draft of my novel, and aside from the pressure of deadlines I have yet to meet, I’m mostly excited to start writing with a clearer voice and a more determined stance and vision.
I like to think of this as a result of the pressure of ‘having to fit in’ in this new environment. I couldn’t do it: Why would I ‘fit in’? What difference is me ‘fitting in’ going to make when everyone is already (unknowingly) aspiring to become carbon copies?
… and what is wrong with a “Wannabe”?
What is wrong with a wannabe?
I find the negative connotations of labels linked to the early stages of any amazing creative venture astounding.
I don’t think we should be afraid of a world full of ‘wannabes’ when we’re already hearing stories of individuals with potential who don’t want to be anything anymore.
When we know that we and our beloved ones can blossom but are withering, what is wrong with a wannabe? And, is a world where everyone already ‘is’ really happier and freer than one where they’re doing their best to be who they ‘wanna be’?
BONUS: Let them ‘fit in’
Sometimes, ‘going with the flow’ is not as passive as it sounds to be.
As creators, we realize the burden of ‘standing out’ among the many pieces and handiworks in our fields. Whether we write, paint, or are learning a new interesting twist with pancakes, we are all equally aware of the need to have something ‘special’ about our product.
The trick to ‘going with the flow,’ as creators, is to find excitement in taking the driver's seat, creating our own while keeping our clashes (that are bound to happen) with the environment, as subtle and least damaging as possible.
Today, my challenge is not to stay angry at a system that will not change overnight, maybe even after my graduation (perhaps it will).
What I can do, however, is to make a difference in the lives of all the wannabes I come across while I do so. Well, that sounds different!
And what if this was us learning to ride a bicycle in a new territory? How do we make sure to protect ourselves from all of these new things that can distract, hamper, or shake up our process?
- As much as possible, listen more:
One of the things that trigger the use of ‘unbearable’ when describing (our experience in) a new environment is when we think ‘there are no people to listen to me here.’
Consequently, giving an attentive ear to those around us can make so much difference in their lives. Yet, while practicing active listening, we need to stay mindful of how the input of others affects us too, and speak up/acknowledge if it makes us uncomfortable in any way.
Nowadays, and especially in these circumstances, giving our time and unconditional attention to someone can be the biggest help we can give.
2. Often, develop (or take interest in) with an entrepreneurial mindset:
Ask the question: ‘what do these people need most right now?’ or ‘what does this place need most right now’ AND ‘how can I give it?’ I find that shift of mindset alone, extremely empowering.
When applying this to my situation: it was much more productive for me to think of how I can help people—often silently suffering from the pressure, than to rehearse that speech of anger inside my head.
3. Sometimes, take detours:
Especially if you like adventures!
I have to admit that I find this as one of the most fun, ironic, and educational ways to keep myself inspired and true to who I am, as a creator. Yet, this is hardly the time to let our guard down (Oops!)
A new friend told me to be ‘selectively social,’ and I realized that this tip could also be applied to new experiences in this new zone; while putting ourselves out there is important, we must know which align best with what we want to get out of our overall experience of this new territory.
4. Be prepared to lose balance:
Aka, do not be afraid to fall.
After all, we are not trying to ‘perfect’ riding this territory. We are going to fall more than we expected to, sometimes harder, sometimes faster, sometimes slower, and every time is going to feel frustrating.
It is part of the package. But when it comes to our creative integrity, we need to keep an open mind to our moments of falling, seek others around us, and most importantly, do not take these moments so seriously that they define our experience.
So what if it takes longer to understand people? So what if it gets harder to sleep at night because we miss some familiarity? So what if it is frustrating to describe what is going on?
Trust me, there are plenty of people going through the same thing, and in these instances, what works best is to stay true to ourselves.
This reminds me of the day my roommate confided in me after a week of keeping her distance—even though I confided in her first. As a result, we realized we had some amazing things in common.
5. Always catch yourself when you fall out of balance:
Always.
Catching ourselves when we know we’re losing balance, as creators, is what I refer to as creative integrity. For example, acknowledging our creative difficulties in a new environment and giving ourselves what we need to maximize potential makes us feel more confident and secure in our decision to create.
It is but a fall, and after all, we’re learning.
6. Always make time to listen to yourself:
Giving ourselves time to reflect on our experiences is crucial to stay up-to-date with our feelings and overall performance on that day.
Feelings of confusion, loss, and even meaninglessness often arise when we become aware of the noise inside our head, but nothing ‘worth’ writing or creating.
Pro Tip: The following morning, try your best to smile about your fall.
Just try it!
Last Friday was the first time I experienced a snowy morning. I was excited about my outing with my close friend in town, which got canceled last minute!
The following morning, I couldn’t help but smile thinking that I have yet to build and take pictures with my snowman!
