No More Girlfriends
Not right now…
I write this knowing full well I’m being emotional. Maybe overemotional. But this is what I feel right now. These words are all real. These feelings are all real.
No more late nights spent laying skin to skin under your bed sheets.
No more brunches after late nights.
No more wanting to say I love you.
No more saying I love you.
No more feeling guilty for not calling or for taking that call at dinner. We toasted the last time that happened. Toasted to more accomplishments. My accomplishments. But I’m not naive anymore. You didn’t care that much as we tapped our glasses. You were stuck in your own feelings, just as I was in mine.
Am I right? It doesn’t matter anymore but I still deserve to know, don’t I? If you were really happy for me. If you were ever happy with me. I’m taking it too far. I know we were happy. I know most of those smiles were real, till they weren’t.
It took a novel long email for me to get the truth. Scrolling through those words hurt me more than you’ll ever know. For those moments, I actually cared.
Now I don’t.
I don’t want to be close to anyone. I don’t want anyone getting close to me. I don’t want those emotions. They drain me.
I can still love, though. I can love your conversation. I can love your hustle. I can love the way your lips curl when you sip your wine. Or the way you apply your makeup in the mornings.
Or you would say “putting on your face.” Is that better? Did I get that right? Did I say the right thing?
Too little too late.
I care much easier when you don’t expect me to.
I care much easier after I’ve made you upset.
Forever is not my goal anymore. Maybe it never was.