Tales of Change: The Old Dream and the New
When I was a little kid, I thought being famous would be awesome. I spent my days drawing on a whiteboard that my mom bought me (mainly as an attempt to prevent me from drawing on the wall) and dreamed to one day move to Paris and become a well-known designer. I wanted to live a fabulous life. My dreams were big, way much bigger than my small body and just like any other kid, I was counting on the adult me to make that dream comes true.
In my late teens to early 20s, I dreamed of a great success. I was working on my bachelor’s degree and proud of my excellent GPAs. No longer aiming to work in fashion, I instead thought of building a corporate career. I imagined one day having a swanky office in a skyscraper building in a big city. I wanted to climb the career ladder and become that badass boss lady, while also having a blissful married life and being a hands-on mother to my beautiful, smart, and well-behaved kiddos. Quite frankly, I dreamed to become a superwoman.
Now in my late 20s, somehow, I turned out so different than I thought I would be. I don’t live in the city of lights nor work in a swanky office. My dream, too, has once again gone through another (drastic) change. What I want the most now −more than anything− is freedom. I want a life of ease and the liberty to do what I really want without being judged. Have my worth not tied to my productivity. Be able to take breaks when my body or mind needs. Have the freedom to explore things that make me happy and spend quality time with my loved ones, not having to sacrifice any of these just to survive.
For so long, I had been −unknowingly− resistant of change. While I am perfectly aware that change is an inevitable part of life, there is this deep-rooted fear to admit things have come to an end and it is time to restart from scratch. I had spent years working on dream A, but it didn’t make me happy anymore. Then I spent more time, effort and a bunch of money on dream B, until one day I realized it also didn’t work out. Then came dream C, dream D, and so on. Will I ever stick with one dream and be really accomplished? How many more dead ends do I need to face? What am I even supposed to do with my life? How much do I change along with my dream? And lastly, do I even like the new me?
The fall and the bounce back up
Weirdly enough, it was the last question that had me taken aback. I thought my worries and fears were about failure, but as I am typing these words, I come to the conclusion that self-acceptance might be a bigger issue than what I initially expected. I surely still have this fear of failure, but failure is often a part of any process anyway, isn’t it?
The root of the issue is whether we accept ourselves after we fail on something or not, as acceptance is apparently the first step that will help us to bounce back. In fact, if my life experience taught me anything, it’s that the way someone handles a failure gives a glimpse into their personality more than any success can be.
Everyone can love you when you’re beautiful, successful and happy. Not everyone will stick with you when they see your vulnerable side. In fact, the cold truth is that plenty will keep their distance when you’re miserable and stuck at a low point in your life. Good vibes only, they say. No matter who stays and who leaves though, usually we can count on at least one person to be there: ourselves.
Note that I said usually, because sometimes even we don’t have our own back when shit happens. We blame ourselves. We say bad things about ourselves. We don’t believe in ourselves. We miss those better days when things were easier and we were happier. We dislike the present time us and want the old us back.
The old me and the present time me are both the same person and two different women at the same time. We are the same individual who has been growing from day one, but also so unalike that if you tell the younger me about who am I today, she’d just stare at you in disbelief and walk away.
Sometimes a change is a clear indication that we evolve, but the other times, it looks more like a regression. The former is amazing, but the latter shouldn’t be perceived as a bad, shameful thing. Sometimes, a step back is just exactly what we need. Sometimes, we just have to accept ourselves no matter what.
Growth no matter what
I’ve been through some really rough times this year, and it’ll be a lie to say I’m thrilled about where I am in my life right now. I took multiple steps back. I ran in a circle. I tried to climb a wall only to fall down to the bottom again. I’ve changed in a way that I’m not exactly proud of. When my insecurities get the better of me, I remember the kid me and thought she had to be disappointed if she saw me like this. After all, I failed her. I didn’t make her dreams come true.
When I feel like a pathetic fool like this though, I try to think of a little scenario: I imagine we get to meet our younger selves, sit down together and talk. Should we tell them our life journey and explain how we end up the way we are, how would they react? Oh, and throw that classic “what advice would you give your younger self” question in there too. Imagine how the conversation will go.
If I meet the kid me, I might start with an apology that I don’t live in Paris. But hey, je parle français. At least I’ve tried, right? Maybe I’d still get us to visit the city one day. I’d tell her that she’d face a lot of struggles as she grew older and life could be extremely lonely sometimes, but she’d always have herself. I might not be the kind of adult who has all her shit together like she once assumed (again, sorry kiddo), but I won’t give up just yet.
My energetic 20 years old self might also be a little disappointed that I didn’t turn out to be a superwoman with thriving career and perfect family. However, I also have a long story to tell her about the ups and downs in my life. I want to tell her about the amazing clients I got to work with, but also about the office politics and dramas I had to deal with. The sympathetic souls who were there for me when I needed and also those who stabbed me in the back. The supports I kindly received, but also the harassment I unfortunately experienced as a young woman.
The advice I would give her? Be hopeful, be strong and resilient, but most importantly, be kind to yourself. You won’t always get what you want right when you want it. Maybe with more time and extra effort, you’ll eventually achieve your dreams. However, if one day you find that plan A/B/C doesn’t work out, it’s okay to get up and leave. Don’t keep watering the dead plant.
Last but not least, we grow no matter what. Who knows we dodge a bullet by not going ahead with the previous plan, or the misstep we take today might lead us to a whole new destination that will one day pleasantly surprise us. Sure, it might just mean shit happens too, but we can always learn something even from a total shit (no pun intended).
The old me and the new
In high school, still feeling unsure of what I really want in life, I stopped answering the million dollar “what do you want to be when you grow up?” question with a profession. Instead, I simply told people “I want to be happy”. Now in what feels like eons after my high school graduation, I find that answer to be truer than anything. After all, isn’t happiness what matter the most?
These days, happiness becomes my main indicator of a success. The title you have on your business card might matter, but not so much if it doesn’t actually bring you joy and fulfillment. Same goes to the amount you have in your bank account or the social circle you put yourself into. I also no longer compare myself with my peers either −at least not when I can help it. Whenever I feel like I’m being left behind, I remind myself that life isn’t a race. Life is really about finding our own direction, going toward it in our own pace, and doing our best to enjoy the journey.
The Greek philosopher Heraclitus once said that change is the only constant. We change as our experience shapes us. We change as the world around us changes so we could survive in it. We change because we learn and we will continue to do so until the day we die. The old me might not get the fabulous kind of life she once dreamed of, but that’s okay, because the new me now know that fabulous could have a different meaning too.
