The Absence of Love in My Life Changed My Perspectives
Prompt of the week for Cry Magazine
I remember when I was a teenager my family used to punish me often for almost no reason. Of course, a reason always exists, it can be a silly one maybe to you — but trust me, everyone has reasons for acting even in strange ways.
In the ’80s Italian families were still very immature. I was the black sheep — sort of speech — and the more they used to treat me as if I was a weirdo, the more they were making me feel like I wanted to exasperate that image of me.
To my perceptions, love was just a word spoken in Hollywood movies.
I had no idea what it was at that time. But because we have to feel cared for by someone, I started to think that all I was usually getting from my parents was in fact, “love” — even if it appeared to be distorted.
What they felt for me I’m sure it was love now, but then — I was only getting beatings and humiliations. They were loving me through their way to implement a particular method of education.
For example, I wanted some attention since my sister Sabrina was considered the best person in our family. They kept on saying for years — that no one was as intelligent as she was. So, she could go out to many parties, and field trips with the school. She could be invited by a girlfriend for a sleep-over, and so forth. Instead, I was always told to try to be as smart as she was.
Indeed, even though they tried to love me — by correcting me and so adjusting my ways to what they expected of me — I did not feel loved. I was only going to make more trouble than the time before because I was silently protesting.
I was treated as if I had no mother or father to help me grow. I was often the victim of very violent abuse — because my father wanted to discipline me and make sure that everyone knew he was a good father. But in my perspective, I was the one person they hated the most for being authentic, original and so artistically pretty crazy. I loved to dance all the time. I could sing out loud and create imaginary acting scenes in my room alone.
I became so frustrated with the fact that I wasn’t feeling loved, that a few times — at the age of fourteen — I was caught in the living room after watching a romantic American movie — kissing a wall, and talking to it in a romantic way. I know it seems hilarious, but in reality, I was so happy to pretend that I had a boyfriend who cared about listening to the many sweet things I had to express that I did not care if I looked a little crazy.
The time I really felt unloved was when my parents agreed to keep me locked up in my room for a few months. They had discovered that I was missing school and going to the beach with some of my friends.
In fact, I wasn’t one of those children that was really impressed with punishments — but on the contrary — I was resembling more the type of child that grows up only to become a warrior, a rebel, someone who knows to have a voice and wants to use it.
In that little bedroom, I spent months alone indeed. So as not to waste my life, I had a diary that I loved to write in every day with stories I was inventing — and seeing in my mind as real. I was getting used to being alone. I even started to vividly imagine a fantastic adventure — a possible trip to the promised land, that to me was America.
Once I became free from being imprisoned in my own room, everyone noticed that I was changing and becoming a little worse than I used to be because I became afraid of people, and the outside world. I became very shy and started to develop what they call “severe depression,” along with bipolar disorder.
The fight between me and my parents became a sensation of pure hate. One day, I left home with a little container of pills. I was premeditating my exit from this world. I knew I had plenty of time to contemplate this thing. I came up with the conclusion that if they had to punish me by keeping me locked up in my room, then my life was not “a life,” but pure hell that I could no longer face.
I remember that afternoon I went to my favorite hill, a little bit out of the city. I prayed for hours to God to help me understand myself. I asked Him to forgive me, and mentally I asked my entire family to forgive me. At that moment, I only felt deep joy within and a sense of relief. I was happy to die and I was ready to take the pills I had with me.
However, after I ingested those pills, something terrible happened. Even though there was a beautiful sun in the sky, a huge shadow came upon me. I started to feel cold and I was lost in my soul. I was still alive, but a negative force was taking over, and there were so many whispers in my mind suggesting that I was alone, deeply alone. At that moment there was no one with me!
The sense of loneliness became so intense that I got scared to death. In fact, I felt more dead at that moment than ever. No one was around to hear my last words. No one was around to tell me what I was doing wrong. No one was around to yell at me or punish me. No one was around to feel sorry for me. No one was around, period. It was very lonely and scary!
So, I found the strength to go down the hill and knock at one door. Someone called the ambulance and my life was saved by me.
After that episode, a miracle happened. My aunt Annamaria invited me to visit with her in the US. That was my winning card! I was allowed to travel to the USA right after my school diploma in 1986 and that’s how my new journey began.
Today, I am a new person. I’m a fifty-seven-year-old woman who went through so much! In America, I started suffering hunger as well as the abuse of other people I was unknowingly attracting to my life, but only until Jesus came to let me know that I was safe in his arms. I always prayed to Jesus, letting Him know that I would never go back to my family in Italy, even if life, at that moment, was the hardest experience for me. I started to feel his majestic presence and the answers to my prayers.
With time, I was able to understand what ignorance can do to people. I forgave my parents for doing so much wrong and I started to take good care of myself, just as if I was my own parent.
Conclusion
Even in the worst times of your life, always remember that you are never alone. You don’t have to always find people who understand your problems — but this should not make you frustrated, depressed, afraid of the world, or angry, because God wants you to realize a deeper truth instead. God wants you to know Him in a very intimate spiritual relationship. God — or divine energy — is within. If you can’t discover the world outside and around you for a moment of your life, then be aware that there is always your inner world waiting to be explored carefully and gently. A special warm environment, where you can discover many precious little treasures. Love yourself before you go outside looking for love. Happiness is only and always here, not there somewhere.
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