The Battle in My Mind — Love Your Beauty Scars: Part 7
“A scar is what happens when the world is made flesh.” — Leonard Cohen

The following account is by Writer/Author/Entrepreneur Pauleanna Reid. It’s always difficult for me to read these types of stories. It’s like getting a peek at someone’s diary. Pauleanna is open about what she describes as “the battle in her mind.” The #LoveYourBeautyScars collective continues.
I have to work really hard at being happy. I’ve lived with depression and anxiety for more than 10 years and it has taken a lot of effort to drown out the noise and make positivity louder in my life. Becoming mentally strong is a process, a long one. And what that looks like for me includes self-love rituals, very detailed morning routines, talk therapy, medication and the occasional social media break.
This is my reality. I have a battle in my mind every single day that not many people will ever understand. If you didn’t know any better you’d probably think my life is perfect. It’s not. We all fight our own private battles behind closed doors. Some of the most beautiful people I know have scars. Don’t be afraid to show yours.
Prior to achieving my dreams of becoming a writer and speaker, I allowed my self-doubt to get the best of me and during my teens and early 20s I endured some of the worst years of my life., I suffered from symptoms of depression and I often felt alone, which was the hardest thing to deal with because I felt as if no one understood what I was going through.
:: Constant negative voices in my head and memories of trauma and self-hatred ::

I was date raped at 14. Pregnant at 17 and was also in a physically abusive relationship at 19. In addition to those traumatic experiences, in high school I was constantly bullied about what I wore, how I spoke and even the way I walked. I was alienated and tormented so much that I didn’t even attend my prom and the only place I felt safe was when I was eating lunch alone in the cafeteria, library or quietly in one of the stalls of the girl’s washroom.
But then I discovered writing and continued to write in my journal daily to escape from my crazy life. During my senior year, while my peers aspired to become princesses, police officers, lawyers and doctors, I wanted to be (the obvious) a journalist and author. However, my teachers doubted me because I failed grade 11 and 12 English. My parents turned a blind eye because they didn’t believe it was a ‘real’ career and my peers just didn’t think that writing was cool. So at the most critical point in my life is when I felt like I had no one to turn to. I graduated high school feeling low and confused and I entered a college program that was selected by my parents and was not a true representation of the type of woman or professional I aspired to be.
I hated my college program. I felt like I was dying a slow death. I couldn’t breathe and every day I walked into a classroom feeling less than inspired or motivated to participate. I lacked focus, my grades slipped and eventually I just stopped going. I stayed in bed for days…weeks. I cut off friends and family and I had constant anxiety about whether or not I would make it to tomorrow. But I hid my depression well. I often slapped on a fake smile when I needed to and pretended as if everything was cool the few times I went out in public. But inside I was deteriorating.
:: One day I reached my breaking point ::
In my final year at school, I turned to suicide but had two failed attempts. When my life was spared, I realized that there must be a bigger reason why I am still here and soon thereafter I
found myself on a new mission to figure out what it was. At that point I had had enough listening to other people and their negativity. I was so frustrated that I finally got the courage to tell myself that this is my life and my dreams are worth it. My next move; I dropped out of college — which is not the answer for everyone, but at the time it was the best choice for me. I’ve never looked back since.
If I had one piece of advice to give you: It does get better, but nothing changes if nothing changes. I’m 29 years old and have lived with depression and anxiety since the age of 10. But here’s some insight I’ve learned along the way: Make a commitment to work on your weak areas. You can’t just sit there and hope something positive will happen. Hope will only take you so far, you have to put action behind it. Years ago I joined group therapy. I got so tired of hiding my anxiety, that I finally decided to openly talk about it. Best choice I ever made by far. Bruh, sometimes drastic steps like this are necessary.
Especially if you want results. You need to be re-evaluating your life constantly and look in the mirror and get real with yo’ self. You’ll discover that amazing things happen when you pay closer attention. At the very least you will learn more about who you are. I advise taking a step back from your life (sick leave, time off, vacation, social media break, whateva) to gain some perspective. Maybe your finances are a mess, you have bad habits, you need anger management, or perhaps you are in an unhealthy relationship, self-doubt –This is your opportunity to learn from your mistakes and grow.
One of the many lessons my experiences with anxiety has taught me is that nothing is ever as bad as it seems. There is a hidden blessing and benefit in every experience and every outcome but we often do not notice because we are worried and or upset. I try to remember that I’m not alone. Everyone has problems. Some people are just better at hiding it than others.
There’s no person in the world who is capable of handling every punch that is thrown at them. We simply aren’t made that way, but what we can control is our outlook. Our problem is not the problem. Our reaction is really our problem. Which I know and understand but obvi in the moment it can be difficult to put into practice. It’s something I am constantly working on though. Anyone can walk way from a problem; that’s super easy. Facing problems and working through them, that’s what makes you strong.
More from me at kerncarter.com
My novel BEAUTY SCARS is available on Amazon here.

