the crossroads
i find myself at the crossroads once again. deep in the throes of grief, depression & anxiety, unable to see a way out. nothing is working & nothing seems worth it. i’m tired of having to scrape from the bottom of my everyday existence to find stuff to give thanks for in morning prayers & altar time.
i hold space for these feelings. they’re valid. my therapist emphasizes that at the end of my weekly sessions; even she has to acknowledge that my real life is more akin to an alice or toni novel than what the average person lives, and that i do more harm lying to myself instead of acknowledging & releasing. so i admit that i feel everything is fucked.
at the same time, i can’t ignore that similar to many fictional tales, something always comes through for me to make the story more an adventure than a tragedy. currently playing in the background is walter hawkins’ Thank You:
Tragedies are common place
All kinds of diseases, people are slipping away
Economy’s down, people can’t get enough pay
As for me all I can say is
Thank you Lord for all you’ve done for meFolks without homes, Living out in the streets
And the drug habit some say
They just can’t beat
Muggers and robbers, no place seems to be safe
But You’ve been my protection every step of the way
And I wanna say, thank you Lord for all You’ve done for me
it’s from my altar playlist. i was in my feelings so i decided to sit with my dead and be transparent. if i can bare it all to my therapist, why not them?? that’s what they want right? the real me — raw & honest. so i do what i gotta do to prep & i sit. and i cry. maybe a few words, but mainly tears. much sooner than i’d planned, i got up & moved to my sofa, not feeling better at all honestly because the depression is being a real bitch today.
but thank goodness for canticumancy. divination/communication through music. there’s a lot going on in my head as the song streams: remembering the moments in my life that parallel the lyrics. recollecting the rams in the bushes that seem to appear in the nick of time. recalling exactly what gma would say when it’d play, “Stacey [my mom’s best friend & fellow church Mass Choir member] lead this!!”
It could have been me (thank you)
Outdoors (thank you)
With no food (thank you)
And no clothes (thank you)
Or just alone (thank you)
Without a friend (thank you)
Or just another number (thank you)
With a tragic end (thank you)
But you didn’t see fit (thank you)
To let none of these things be
at one time it was me. every last one of those things she mentioned. & every time, when at my wit’s end, something came through. never what i expected, but always enough.
so while i can’t speak to whether it will be me tomorrow, and i can’t say that everything is fine right now, i have to acknowledge that the unexpected unexplainable has come through for me many times before and still has the opportunity to do so in my current circumstances.
i have to remind myself that even if i’m only giving thanks for still being here, that gratitude is just as worthy of acknowledgement as the pains i experience here. that i have had unimaginable highs to match these incredible lows. that the insecurities i’m experiencing are part & parcel of me living this realized dream-come-true of being a (starving) artist.
at a time when folks are dropping like flies and losing everything in the blink of an eye, i’m doing one of the riskiest things i’ve ever done. and i’ve been doing it for over a year. making a way out of no way. just going for it.
nobody told me there’d be days like this. there’s no guidebook to adulting. and spirituality is, especially indigenous practices, a unique experience for everyone. everything looks absolutely nothing like i expect(ed) and i struggle with that. but i’m grateful for the tools, and the people, and the lived experience i have because they help me navigate this path. the small signs — like the shufflemancy going on with this playlist — are the breadcrumbs leading me down the road to the next breakthrough.
i’m always at a crossroads of sorts; the intersection of blessings and bullshit is a constant in my life. i’m praying and striving real hard to pave the blessings portion & leave the bullshit a narrow gravel road. as the next song comes on, yet another that has deep meaning for me, i recognize i’m closer to that than i realize. i’m doing better than i think, and there’s more good than i’m able to see at the moment.
i didn’t feel better while sitting at the altar as anticipated, nor did i do the work i expected to. but my people met me where i was, sitting on my living room floor, and this narrative — a much needed break in my writer’s block — is proof that something is working.
’Cause everyday by your power (thank you)
You keep on keeping me (thank you)
