The Universe Gave Me a Playlist
You’ll say it was an algorithm and I’ll say it was destiny.
One particular evening a few weeks ago, I left my house to get away. I needed a break from being home. I left, sat in a parking lot and talked to one of my sisters, got some Mod pizza, and was thinking about going back to sit in my room to watch some trashy TV…anything to keep my mind off my imploding life.
Normally, I love listening to music in the car especially when I’m alone because the volume doesn’t have to be as limited without small ears around. I haven’t listened in a long time though. Life’s felt heavy and music is sometimes too powerful for me. It has traditionally been the way I felt, what I used to call “The Spirit” when I was a member of The Church*. I still don’t know what to call that feeling, but it’s a closeness to a divinity that exists above but in the “regular” world.
Do you know what I’m talking about? I think it looks different for everyone. Some people experience it through art, spoken word, in nature, etc. It is everywhere if you look for it. I suppose then, that music for me, is an EASY way for me to experience it.
I’m also human. Songs are usually about love and heartbreak. I’ve avoided the radio save for the hip hop and hard rock stations. Otherwise, the radio stays off. This night though, I was scrolling through Spotify and noticed a random playlist with only two songs on it. I knew the first one, but couldn’t remember what the second one sounded like. I decided to give it a go because two songs were the perfect amount of time before I would be home.
I continued on my way, buckling in for what I thought would be a short trip home.
7 or so months ago I created some art pieces from the lyrics of the song Faith by Bon Iver which. Here’s a sampling of what I created. I plan on sharing them all eventually.
I haven’t listened to that song much since then but it made my list of top songs for 2020. There’s a reason for it. I’ve talked a little bit about why but have, for the most part, stayed pretty quiet about my exit from mainstream religion for now.
I was casually headed down Academy after deciding to listen. Faith was the first song on the playlist of two. I turned it up loving how it sounded and then bam! It hit like a wall of bricks. Reminiscent of a time a few days ago when one of Taylor Swift’s new songs (are you judging me? lol) came on, I was NOT ready for the emotion it would evoke. I froze for a second as the song continued. It was pure emotion flowing out of my body. I couldn’t do anything about it. The next song came on and then the next one…
You know how when you’ve finished a playlist, whatever platform you’re on will use an algorithm to play songs based on whatever it was you were listening to? They also pull songs based on your prior listening history. The next song I didn’t know but the lyrics were beautiful. It was right about here when I felt as if I was being pulled to keep going.
I’ll let the darkness swallow me whole
I need to find you, need you to know.
I felt a nudge. I decided to take the road I use to get to my hip hop class and continued on. It was the perfect choice. It went from being a six-lane highway to a four-lane to a two-lane…
It was something else, that whole experience. I tried retelling it to my friend after I stopped in a random spot on the way home, but I think words were failing me. I am telling you, I have never in my life experienced anything quite like it. I swear the scenery matched the music: lights blinking to the beat and going up a hill at a crescendo in the music, things like that.
The sounds escaping my body as these songs played randomly? came from somewhere deep within. Guttural, raw, and the most real for me. A quiet road on the outskirts of town with beautiful stars in the sky in addition to the music being gifted to me was exactly what I needed that night. Who knew?
This playlist is a diary. It feels so intimate and raw to share. If you listen to them in order you’ll have a glimpse of what’s been happening around these parts for the past year. Here’s to 2021.
*I use The Church as shorthand while trying to be respectful of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints’ request to use the full name. It’s a little long for me though.
