The Voices In My Head Want Me To Disappear
The voices in my head are telling me I need change.
I need purpose.
I have an intense urge to disappear.
Travel afar and come back years later.
There aren’t any voices in my head.
There is one voice in my head.
According to my beliefs, having multiple voices may be having your own individual, the subconscious, and the voices of your environment from your childhood.
Although in my mind it all sounds like one voice.
I am a college student, part-time worker at a supermarket, interning as a copyeditor for my school’s english department, budding poet, beginner investor, beginner nail tech, and a writer.
The voice in my head tells me “I am doing too much.” So I listen.
I tell my family I need a break from school. Their response was I need to quit my job.
“School is the only option.” So I listen.
Three months into the semester the voice in my head is convincing me that I am happy.
I can do this.
With tears falling down my face and a chest full of molasses.
I am struggling to breathe.
The happiness the voice in my head convinced me was here is nowhere to be found.
“You are surviving. You can do this. You will get through this.”
Two days before my birthday. I am at work fighting back tears.
The voice in my head is telling me how much I hate my job.
“what is there to celebrate,” echoes in my mind.
I will graduate soon.
“You are broke. You are unhappy,” echoes as I scan a packet of yeast.
When I was 12, I planned to have a book published by this age.
A book, I have not yet begun.
The voice in my head is telling me that school is the problem.
It is three months into the semester. I am explaining to a friend I have not spoken to since the very beginning of this semester, how miserable I was for my birthday.
My friend says, “Damn, you’ve been down a long time”. He’s right.
It feels like everything around me is draining me. My internship, school, and my job. That is all that I give my time to aside from cleaning and cooking.
I am exhausted and my life does not feel fun.
Why should I celebrate a new year of life, when I have not been living. I have only been trapped in a spider web.
Flailing for my life. Trying to survive.
I need change. I need to begin to do all that is best for me.
This is the story of a broke college student.
Raw, sometimes passionless.
