Thou Art Loosed!
Liberation: my birthright
“Because to take away a man’s freedom of choice, even his freedom to make the wrong choice, is to manipulate him as though he were a puppet and not a person.” — Madeline L’Engle
I was birthed into a darkness that I didn’t choose. I was birthed into the relentless dimming of my internal light. So, you ask, what’s life like after death? Oops, pardon me, the question is, what’s life like after disappointment? Oh no, the question is, how did I overcome disappointment?
Since the beginning of my life, I consistently questioned, why me? What’s the reason or purpose for all this pain and suffering? Where’s my joy? Where’s my peace? Where’s my reward for continuing to fight to live only to continue suffering disappointment followed by more disappointment? Am I being punished for desiring more? Am I a living sacrifice to assist in helping others find their way through the darkness? Or am I a hamster on a wheel running to catch the carrot dangling on the string that appears right within reach but somehow continues to elude me?
December 15th, ‘twas the season, and all through my house, not a creature was stirring. My children were asleep, filled with the excitement of the holiday season. In true fashion, I was the parental shield protecting them from the nightmares lurking within this 3D world, absorbing all the toxicity being projected our way so they didn’t feel the agonizing life-altering pain of being disappointed by those they depend on for love, support, and security. However, away in my room, tucked in my bed, I had thoughts of suicidal ideation reigning dominion in my head; pain, suffering, and disappointment flooded my mind and suffocated my brain into submission. I began to lean into and succumb to what seemed like the inevitable. Death becomes her. This can all end right now, tonight. I tell myself that I can go to sleep, not wake up and finally rest in eternal peace.
Life after death. How do you fill a gaping hole that’s existed within your soul since birth? How do you survive the blows of parental abandonment, having the wind knocked out of your innermost being without succumbing and submitting to eternal darkness? I’ve surrendered to darkness and allowed death to become her. I am the embodiment of the power of overcoming all that was meant to destroy me. I held hands and danced with the devil and am still alive to tell the story. I courageously crossed over a bridge that was blown up by my inner and outer demons, with me standing in the middle of it. I survived a path riddled with landmines of destruction meant to deter me from my true destiny, my life’s purpose, and liberation, my birthright.
On the other side of disappointment is choice. I chose to own and accept my power. Damn, my jam is that good. My destiny, birthright, and life’s purpose are so meaningful that I’ve triumphed through life’s disappointment boot camp and learned to fearlessly walk on the dark side. I’m no longer afraid of the dark or the monsters that lurk within going bump in the night. Ye though I have and will continue to walk through the valley of the shadow of death, nothing can rob me of my life’s purpose. Not even me. Overcoming took owning the power to choose my own path. I had to courageously take ownership of who I am at my core. I no longer needed to yield to life’s disappointments. I no longer needed to wear the burden of generational and societal disappointments that weren’t mine to put on and dress up in to begin with.
Overcoming is taking the darkness meant to draw me into the depths of eternal captivity and transforming that energy into power. There is power in faith. There is power in choosing. There is power in ownership. There is power in manifestation. There is power in universal law. There is power in naming. There is power in curiosity. There is power in self-exploration.
For me, the ultimate power in overcoming came in the form of allowing the needs of my inner child to take precedence, having a seat at my life’s table, and taking part in the conversation. The internal child version of Stephanie Elise still believes in magic. At her core, the inner child version of Stephanie Elise is the embodiment of power. With that power, I choose to create the rest of my story, and though future moments of disappointment may prove inevitable. They will be my mistakes and disappointments to choose from. Not anyone else’s.
How did I overcome disappointment, you ask? I chose to own my power; I chose to take up space; I chose to rise like a Phoenix and create through the ashes, curating something beautiful beyond belief. I am the embodiment of everything meant to be stolen from me. I am the rose that grew from the concrete far beyond everything meant to destroy me. I am the embodiment of overcoming all disappointments that were, are, and will be.
I choose to powerfully exist in a world that lives only to dim the shine of another to create a false sense of superiority for themselves. Despite how it may trigger others, I choose to allow this inner light of mine to shine.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” — Jeremiah 29:11 ESV.
