To All The Lives I Won’t Be Able To Live
Two weeks ago, I read an article on Medium written by Kandice Confer on normalizing trauma in writing. In her article, she quotes Diane Nguyen, a character from the famous TV show BoJack Horseman, in reference to the topic. I learned two things from the article. Firstly, writing about one’s own trauma can have adverse effects on their mental health — secondly, BoJack Horseman.
To be honest, I’d never heard of the show before. I guess it was not that popular in India as other foreign shows, or it was popular, and I was not aware of it. Anyway, I quickly googled about the show and saw the trailer for season one. I was interested in the show. I like the colorful animations. I also like the concept and the storyline. This one is a little personal, I may have a secret crush on Diane, I don’t know?!
So, I began watching the show. It cracked me up big time and was thought-provoking at the same time. In the penultimate episode of Season one (spoiler alert) — despite a positive response to his memoir’s excerpts, BoJack insults Diane (his ghostwriter) and the work that she has done for his book. Later, he, Sarah-Lynn (a co-actor who plays his adopted daughter in his 90’s TV show Horsin Around), and Todd (a guy who came to his house for a party and never left) go on a drug-infused frenzy in an attempt to rewrite his memoir.
In this attempt, BoJack re-creates a multitude of iterations of what life could be if he had chosen a different path. Especially, he hallucinates a life with his former friend Charlotte, in which they have a daughter and live happily into old age.
In this particular scene, BoJack (the horse) asks Charlotte (the deer), “What are you thinking about”? To which Charlotte replies, “Oh, just how nice things could’ve been If you had chosen this life.” That sentence hit me hard. It got me thinking — “How nice/ugly things could’ve been if I had chosen a different life”? Do not get me wrong, I’m delighted with the path that I’ve chosen. But there will always be an ‘IF’ right.
The path I chose
I was born on 21st August 1996 to a middle-class family in Telangana, India. My father, who has a master’s degree in Mathematics and Computer Science, was a maths lecturer at a local college. My mother, who has a degree in Biological Sciences, left her job as a lab technician in a local clinic so that she could take care of my sister and me.
Growing up, I was always studious and pretty competitive. I always wanted to be the best in my class, an over-achiever in some sense. My parents cultivated a mechanism, which helped me in a way to appreciate science. They sowed the seeds of passion for science. They encouraged me to participate in science quizzes, Science and Math Olympiads, etc. As a result of their encouragement, I stood first from my school in an International Science Olympiad Competition in my fifth grade. They wanted me to pursue a career in science and engineering. For them, it seemed a straightforward decision, but for me, I wasn’t sure.
The life stories of Satish Dhawan, Abdul Kalam, Subrahmanyam Chandrasekhar, Roddam Narasimha, Marie Curie, Richard Feynman, Carl Sagan, and many more have and will continue to inspire me. I remember an episode of “Great Indians,” a TV program showcasing the lives of great men and women from India across various disciplines like music, literature, science, economics, math, etc., in which Subrahmanyam Chandrasekhar sat down for an interview with NDTV. The interviewer asked him, “What it feels like to receive a Nobel Prize for his discovery”? (The Chandrasekhar Limit). To which Subrahmanyam Chandrasekhar replied
I was an undergraduate, and I knew very little physics. But the physics which I used was something which I could have read. I was curious what would happen if that was applied to stars, and I found this limit. But I don’t see that it tells anything about my future work. I mean, I could have stopped at that point, and the discovery would be there. But if I am what I am, in the sense, I lived in science for 60 years and pursued science, that to me is far more important.
The important thing is, no matter what what other people say, you value certain things you do because of your personal reactions, not because somebody says it is good, no matter even if it involves getting a price of hundred thousand dollars.
This statement changed my perspective on pursuing science. No matter how hard or challenging it is, no matter what people think of it, all I wanted is to find solace in doing science. That’s where I have decided to be a scientist, to be a researcher, and Aerospace Engineering caught my fancy.
I guess I am doing well in this regard. I am currently pursuing my Master’s degree in Aerospace Engineering at the Indian Institute of Science, Bengaluru, India. Next in the line would be to do a Ph.D., probably abroad. After getting my Ph.D., I’ll probably do either a post-doc or apply for a job in academia or industry? I am not sure. But one thing I am certain of is, I want to dedicate my life to science.
The paths I didn’t
1. Music
In my childhood, especially during the summers of my primary and middle school years, my mother always wanted me and my sister to learn Indian classical music under Komanduri Ramachari (a famous playback singer, music composer, music teacher from Telangana). Being a bathroom singer myself, I’ve always wanted to learn music, but I opted out every single time for whatever reason.
I guess I was in a completely different mental space back then and had somewhat different opinions on music and people who make music. Also, I don’t think I had the confidence and courage to go through with it. Seeing this, my mother would teach me “raga’s” and “keerthana’s” of the famous Telugu poets, the likes of Annamaya, Ramadasu, etc.
As years went by, I understood the impact of music on me, especially when you live far away from your family and friends. You remember your special bond and connection with them through pieces of music. To this day, I regret not taking up music. But somewhere deep down in me, I still want to learn different genres of music, learn to play various musical instruments (especially the Violin and the Sarangi), write and produce music someday.
2. Tennis
Even before I started playing tennis, I was a huge tennis and Federer fan. I guess the credit goes to both my father and my grandfather, who introduced me to the world of tennis. Whenever a majortournament happens like Wimbledon or whenever Federer’s playing, my father, my sister, and I will be glued to the television.
The match that inspired me to take up tennis was the 2008 Men’s Wimbledon Final. The very next week, I went to the local tennis club in my town and filled up the registration form. I was in 6th grade then, and I played tennis for the next two years straight. During this time, I was fortunate enough to participate in some local tennis tournaments. I also won a couple of tournaments as well. I was finally getting the hang of it and was taking training very seriously, and then came 9th grade.
As I started 9th grade, I started going to what is called IIT coaching. IIT is an abbreviation for the Indian Institute of Technology. They are the premier institutes for Science and Engineering in India. In a way, these institutes are Crème de la crème. Every year, a Joint Entrance Exam is conducted (JEE), and every teenager, even with an acute interest in STEM, wants to crack the exam and get into these institutes.
Generally, students take the exam at the end of their 12th grade. In my case, I had a maximum of 4 years till my turn comes in giving the exam. For some reason, my father thought it would be better if I started early and enrolled me in a coaching center. Because everyone knows that JEE is the most challenging exam on the planet alongside UPSC, and moreover, the timings for both my IIT and tennis training classes were similar, and guess what I dropped…drum roll…wait for it…MY TENNIS TRAINING CLASSES, and with it, I dropped my Technicolor daydream of becoming a tennis player as well.
3. Gaming
The year was 2010. The year I entered high school. My parents had just bought home a Personal Computer. These were the years when gaming videos were starting to pop up and trend on YouTube. Moreover, only a few content creators were doing it, unlike today, where every YouTuber has a gaming channel. I used to like gaming videos of PewDiePie, KSI, and few others. I always wanted to emulate them. So, I started gaming on my PC.
The very first game I played was FIFA 11. FIFA was so different back then, and the old versions of FIFA can never be topped. Playing it was almost spiritual to me, and I celebrated every goal as though I scored it physically. Besides FIFA, I used to play NBA 2K as well. These video games, in a way, helped me participate in team sports at school. I used to pull off the tricks and the skills I learned in the game whilst I was physically playing at school.
Another game that is very close to my heart is Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. I still remember the day, it was during the lunch break at school, this friend of mine gives a very detailed analysis of the game he played last night. He was describing Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. I was mind-blown. Going home that evening, I asked my parents to buy me the game. They disagreed to it initially but agreed later on the condition that I top the class in the mid-term exams. I gave my very best and I stood second in my class that year, and my parents bought me the game. The very first time I played the game, I got goosebumps and thought to myself, the HYPE is REAL. Since that day, I became a COD addict
Whether it was FIFA or COD, there was a time I seriously considered posting my montages on YouTube. I told my parents this, explaining what the games meant to me and earning money through YouTube. My parents sat me down and told me how disappointed they were with my decision. They wanted me to pursue Science and Engineering. They listed down the pros and cons of both fields and encouraged me to take up and make a difference in Science. After one or two more sit-downs, I was convinced and dropped gaming for good.
Summary
I want to summarize by quoting a part of the poem which is very dear to my heart, called “GO FOR IT,” written by one of my favorite poets Megha Rao. It goes like this
GO FOR IT!!
Go for it with your eyes closed,
even if you feel weak and exposed, just go for it.
Go for it, even if you’re flattened against the wall,
you’re breath speeding, you’re heart racing
your pulse screaming itself sore.
Send it, send that job application,
Take that impulsive vacation,
Mail that manuscript to that publishing house, and get rejected.
but do it anyway,
Because there really is no other way.
Go for it, even if you’re palms are sweating,
even if you’re legs are shaking,
Walk up on that stage and raid the spotlight,
Even if you’re throat feels constricted and tight.
What is the worst thing that can happen, huh?!
A broken heart?
A bruised ego?
Insecurities? Then let it happen.
It’s okay to lose,
but not to lose out because you’re terrified.
Terrified of what? Not being good enough?
Being laughed at?
It’s fine. We’ll get over it,
but, please GO FOR IT.
