‘What If’ is My Daily Food
One of the voices in my head that has persisted since I was a child to this day is, “What If?”
If Tim Urban illustrates procrastination with a monkey controlling the steering wheel in the brain, the same thing might happen in my head.
I don’t even remember when this voice first appeared and finally nested there, finding the most comfortable position to always make me doubt myself. But this voice really ruled my life.
I’m haunted by everything with the opening question “What if?”. What if they don’t like me, what if the pineapple tastes bad, what if the way you laugh irritates other people, and a million other “What if” questions.
I even majored in college not because it was my will, but because I was afraid of other people’s expectations and feelings of disappointment if I forced my will. Luckily the major I finally chose wasn’t too far from the things I like — though still not what I wanted to understand more deeply — so I was still able to live it until the last day. Although full of tears, of course.
Since this voice seemed to occupy the highest throne in the structure of controlling the contents of my head, it made me accustomed to doubting myself and taking it as a normal thing. I will quietly listen to how my friends talk, express their opinions clearly, laugh, and so on. I silently listened as my head scrambled for control of the steering wheel. The words I wanted to say, the response I wanted to convey when my friend told me, all went back into the furthest alley in my body, because once again, the voice reigned and took over the wheel.
I only realized this and was trying to understand it about a year or two ago, when — like it or not — the final stages of college and thesis started to arrive. There are many research topics to choose from, but I didn’t find any that caught my attention. My head is always filled with “What if I don’t do it now, will I be left behind?” “What if I don’t understand, and no one can help me?” “What if the title I want isn’t accepted?” and other similar things.
One of the things I can be grateful for from this pandemic is that I have a lot of time to think and know myself. In previous years, I had been too busy going from morning to night as a social person to often forget that I, too, needed to think about and understand myself. It was at that moment, I listened to everything in my head about this “What if”, looking for every answer to a question that was really just an unfounded fear, and slowly I found a way out.
I just need to follow my own will.
As someone who really listens to what other people have to say, at first this was very difficult to do. The sound repeated itself, but I tried to keep my grip on the steering wheel. If it feels too tiring, I’ll take a break and not think about anything. It’s been almost two years, and of course, there are still plenty of times where I lose focus and the sound takes over again. But at least I know what to do about it.
I know that even if the voice overwhelms me, I’m still mine and I’ll be the one to decide where I’m going.
