Before building, stop destroying
A few weeks ago I scheduled a video call with a cousin. Every couple of months we have news in our lives we usually do an update chat, and after 2–3 months of quarantine, it seemed like it was past due. The first thing I thought after scheduling: “one more trustworthy person with whom I can vent, this will certainly help me!”
We started with his news. He told me about everything he was doing, and it sounded quite interesting and productive. I felt great for him. Unfortunately, since we started the call a little late and things came up, we only had time for his news. When we had to hang up, we agreed that we would book more time to give him my updates. I remember what I thought when I hung up with him “I do remember all the bad things I’m going to tell him, right? Let’s see, it’s… ”. And I began to list every detail that I had accumulated and that came out of me as easy as it entered every time I spoke with someone I trusted during quarantine.
“I’m literally struggling to find problems that victimize me”
I won’t bother you with the details. The point here is that in the middle of the list I became aware of my thoughts, which in my opinion I should do more often: “I’m literally trying to find problems that victimize me.” I was actually devoting my precious (and frankly scarce) energy to re-inflicting the pain that thinking about it caused me. I was truly ashamed. I wanted to be able to cover everything that was going on, to make it sound like too much and to be able to justify feeling that way. I, who enjoy so much using logic to support and encourage my friends… now so focused on my own problems, so addicted to feeling like a victim, that I didn’t want to miss the smallest detail of what was wrong in my life.
Not everything is cause for alarm
As I mention in my first post, we’re all going through something. There is no point in self-punishing myself for my intentions to vent even more. So I decide to forgive myself for looking for that behavior, and I remember the phrase from a movie that I recommend watching once a year:
“People are not theirs thoughts, they think they are, and it brings them all kinds of sadness.” — Socrates, character from Peaceful Warrior
Take a moment to think about how powerful that phrase is. Have you ever felt embarrassed, scared, or even confused by mere flashing thoughts? You probably have. And if you have, surely you have cycled this thought non-stop, a thought which is nothing but a mere reflection of the stimulus that caused it. And this has made you question from your values up to your existence.
I may have no idea how to answer “who am I?”; neither for me nor for you. Sorry. Everyone will have their way of finding that. But what I can tell you without much fear of being wrong is that you are not the first thing that comes to mind when you think about work or when you see someone walking towards you on the street. You are not your thoughts. Your thoughts are not you. There you go, you are free of questioning your identity from your thoughts per se.
Complaining is not the same as healing
Now, there is something that is very real, and very different, and this is the power of the mind on us. Yes, we have all heard of the Law of Attraction, “you can achieve what you set out to do”, etc. But I won’t go into that. Bringing you a bit of the Juan Lucas course that I mentioned in the previous post, do this exercise:
- Close your eyes
- Picture yourself walking to your kitchen, where you keep the lemons
- Grab one
- Imagine that you slowly cut it
- Now take a juicy half, smell it, and give it a nice bite
You’ve read the steps, give it a try. Do you notice anything different? Salivation, disgust, discomfort, upset stomach? My mouth watered as soon as I wrote it. Our brain does not distinguish very well the difference between actually doing things, and just replaying them in our mind. That’s why when I write that you picture yourself hitting your toe on the corner of a piece of furniture, it probably doesn’t feel very nice. We function like this because our brain wants to motivate us to get the things it is looking for (food, love, a good scent), just as it wants to keep us away from the things that harm us (physical danger, trauma, embarrassment). There is a physiological reaction that your brain activates so that you seek/avoid what it knows is useful / bothersome.
Where am I going with this?
While reading The Defining Decade (Meg Jay’s book, highly recommended) in this quarantine, I noticed that constantly complaining and crying about their own misery was a common denominator for many of her patients. Be it an unbearable boss, loneliness, lack of future, or fear of ending a relationship. Like I said before, everyone has their own problems. Unfortunately, right now there are plenty of examples due to COVID. Nevertheless, when we think about it, we find it incredible that even Warren Buffett is suffering from becoming “less wealthy.” The struggle is very real.
The thing is Meg recommended one patient in particular stop calling her mom on her lunch breaks to complain. Interesting, huh? We tend to think that venting is a form of emotional intelligence, a way of healing, and therefore a solution to our problems. And with good measure, of course, it can help us release and move on. The problem is when we keep reliving that lemon bite over and over again. Non-stop. Without analyzing. Without designing solutions. And without doing something about it. Yes, it hurts to say it because I usually do it too. But it is true. That is not doing something about it.
OK, so…?
So, moving on: since I realized that, I have sought to be more aware of my thoughts and my words. Both play a bigger role in our emotional health than some of us think. Since I sought to be more selective in my situations and ways of complaining and venting, I began to stop drowning in those same moments.
Since I sought to be more selective in my situations and ways of complaining and venting, I began to stop drowning in those same moments.
I am not saying that I have finished the journey, or that I am now Buddha. This, as I mentioned in the previous post, requires practice, attention and energy. It is one more support that we will put in favor of mental health. But I can honestly tell you today I prefer to employ my energy in looking how things can work out, than to continue drilling my sorrow in my conscious and subconscious: “this will be positive because…”, “this will seem as good news in the future because…”.
Try it! If you can’t find the solution yet, or if you can’t think of anything positive to think about, that’s okay. It is not an exercise of will or pride. Stop saying “you have to be able to do this”, as I know many of us think to ourselves or even advise others. The exercise (your homework), for now, is an easier step than starting to build: stop destroying.
Love,
Santiago.
