Introducing the Crypto Pain Scale
The Schmidt sting pain index offers a scale of agony for different stinging insects. We’ve done the same for unpleasant crypto events.
Crypto can be an exciting, amazing, terrifying and painful world, with events that both delight and devastate you. Now, for the first time, Crypto Inferno offers you a way to quantify the pain experienced by certain crypto events.
The Crypto Pain Scale is inspired by the work of Justin Schmidt, who has devoted his life to classifying stinging insects according to the type, intensity and duration of pain they cause. Uniquely, Schmidt’s scale offers not only a number for each insect on a scale of 1 to 4, but a narrative description of the pain. For example, the Western yellow jacket (ordinary wasp) is a 2, but its sting is described as, ‘Hot and smoky, almost irreverent. Imagine W. C. Fields extinguishing a cigar on your tongue.’ Meanwhile, the Tarantula hawk wasp comes in at the maximum of 4, and is described as follows: ‘Blinding, fierce, shockingly electric. A running hair dryer has just been dropped into your bubble bath.’
Crypto Pain
Anyone who has been around in crypto for more than a few weeks will have experienced their share of pleasure and pain. We wanted to catalogue a few common events — and a few less common — in terms of the nature and intensity of pain they cause. Again, we’ve used a Schmidt-like scale of 1–4, with narrative descriptions.
Wiped out by unexpected margin call
Inferno pain rating: 1
Description: A stinging rebuke, reminiscent of a slap delivered by your girlfriend when she discovers your Russian lover. The humiliation is as bad as the pain, but it’s over fast and you know it won’t change anything. Some things are just worth it.
Bear market stretches into 12th month
Inferno pain rating: 2
Description: A deep aching, interspersed with hot flashes, like the pain of running the 25th mile of a marathon. It’s brutal but you can handle it. Recovering will take a while but it will soon be over…
Goxxed, exchange hack or phishing attack
Inferno pain rating: 3
Description: A consuming, icy, necrotising pain. Marc Karpeles is using your face as a yoga ball while Bitconnect’s executive team hold your hands in liquid nitrogen.
Crypto fails catastrophically; bitcoin crashes to zero overnight, never to recover
Inferno pain rating: 3.5
Description: A shocking, jolting agony, followed by numbness and the unbearable, aching loss of the knowledge that the damage can never be undone. Nouriel Roubini has beaten you unconscious using Vitalik as a sledgehammer, and stolen one of your kidneys while you were asleep.
BSV overtakes Bitcoin as dominant crypto
Inferno pain rating: 4
Description: A searing, anguishing, unrelenting pain, as if your soul is being rent to shreds. Craig Wright is tattooing ‘I am Satoshi — BSV is the real Bitcoin’ with a rusty safety pin, over every available surface of your body. Inside and out.
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