When Fancies meet in the arena — only one can be the victor

It’s March madness, and that means Fancy Cat pitted against Fancy Cat in a cuddly, snuggly vicious fight to be the cutest, most feline contestant in the ring.

Round one of the Western Conference saw ancient enemies face to face, and ancient friendships put to the test. Would Santa Claws show fangs to Mistletoe? Would Dracula drain Stitches? (Probably not, Stitches doesn’t have any blood!)

Western Conference: Start!

Match: Round Robin — Shipcat vs Ducat

There aren’t many cats comfortable by the seaboard, so watching these two old friends ready themselves for the arena was a touching sight. It’s rumoured Ducat whispered, “I would lose, just for you, if you asked me to,” and I guess Shipcat did, because the sailor took the match 51 to 49!

Match: Round Robin — Santa Claws vs Mistletoe

Santa Claws sashayed forward like the Monarch of more of than just Christmas. Mistletoe made an awkward entry into the ring; tangled in lights, they tripped over the cord and face-planted right out of the gate. Santa Claws took it 63 to 37!

Match 1: Santa Claws vs Shipcat

After Santa Claws’ effortless defeat of Mistletoe in the Round Robin, spectators had to ask how the Kitty would fare against a real opponent. Our first match of the madness did not disappoint! Santa Claws delivered the madness with a barrage of Christmas music the likes of which hasn’t been heard since three mall stores tried to outcompete each other for holiday cheer! Shipcat folded like a mast in a hurricane, and Santa Claws did the candy cane dance right out of the ring.

Match 2: PhuZiqaat vs Yuricatsuki

Aliens invaded the ring, claiming this March Madness showdown was actually a throwdown for the fate of the planet Earth! Would this green-skinned conqueror be a match for all that terrestrial cats had to offer? Yuricatsuki challenged PhuZiqaat to an ice-blade deathmatch, but PhuZiqaat took it a little too literally and tried to attack with actual blades. The judges ruled that a red card, but Yuricatsuki had already fled the stadium, so they were forced to give the match to the alien horde.

Match 3: MisterPurrfect vs Fortune Cat

With eyes like stars but the makings of a baddate, MisterPurrfect stalked into the ring like it was a gift given to the Cupid-inspired feline. Whipping the crowd into a frenzy with chocolate arrows, it seemed the loving cat would win on audience approval alone. But you have to put your money where your mouth is, and a sprinkle of golden coins was just Fortune Cat’s first move. After that, the lucky cat promised good business and solid returns to the whole crowd, and it seems love lost out to commerce today.

Match 4: Earnie vs Tabby

These two Kitties were both inspired by real-world consumer products, so it was a particularly apt match. Earnie taught the audience how to save big on their purchases, but when Tabby organized all of the information in the world into a single browser, the crowd was sold. Tabby! Tabby! Tabby!

Match 5: Stitches vs Dracula

The monsters came out to play, and what a game it was! Stitches did its best to take on the dreaded vampire master, but all Dracula had to do was look into the zombie’s eyes and say, “You vant to take a nap,” and Stitches fell into a dead sleep. Which was pretty cute… but then Dracula said, “You vant to name me ze winner,” and we did.

With Round 1 of the Western conference over, we moved on to the Eastern Conference!

Match 6: Momo-chan and Negato

These ninjas have been waiting for a chance to meet each other in battle since Negato swore vengeance on the Crimson Clan many years ago. Momo-chan can’t remember why, but was equally stoked to test the mettle of another of the secretive ninja cats. Negato hid so well the judges couldn’t find the dark warrior, until the last second when Momo-chan suddenly disappeared in a ball of fur and claw. The poor Crimson ninja never stood a chance.

Match 7: Lion Dance and Dogcat

They’ve been inseparable since the China launch — watching Lion Dance and Dogcat meet in the arena brought tears of pathos to the eyes of the crowd. Lion Dance performed a moving tribute to their friendship, creating a stunning work of art in the name of loyalty and honour. In response, Dogcat looked at Lion Dance. With those big eyes. And that sweet smile. And that heart-melting tail-wagging unquestioning devotion… Dogcat swept it.

Match 8: Berry vs Puss for Progress

They’re here. They’re real. They want to be heard! One, a stunning tribute to a grandmother’s love. The other, an embodiment of progress and equality. There could be only losers in tonight’s battle, as the crowd struggled to pitch these two worthy cats against each other. But in the end, the button was pressed on Berry’s time in the ring, and Puss for Progress took the match!

The first round of the Eastern Conference had come to a close, and everyone wanted to know: who would emerge as the conference victors, to battle head to head in the final championship? Only time would tell! Spectators rushed to get into the line for the bathroom before it was too late. And the bell tolled for ROUND TWO.

The Western Conference round two matches saw SantaClaws up against Phuziqaat, and Fortune Cat against Tabby. Who would enter the final match?

Match 1: SantaClaws vs PhuZiqaat

SantaClaws thought a winning strategy was in the bag. As soon as the alien invader entered the ring, SantaClaws blasted them with sound! But it turns out that these particular aliens hear with valves in their stomachs, so PhuZiqaat simply turned the valve down lower and enjoyed the spectacle of the crowd writhing in agony. Aliens 2, cats 0.

Match 2: Fortune Cat vs Tabby

All the information in the world, or all the gold your heart could desire? This could have been the impossible choice faced by the audience when Tabby and Fortune Cat met in the ring. Instead, the decision was made for the judges when Tabby took a nap on a pile of books and forgot to show up for the contest. Game, set, match for Fortune Cat.

Western Conference Final: PhuZiqaat vs Fortune Cat

This was it. Winner-take-all final conference for the title of the cattest cat — or, if you asked PhuZiqaat, for the fate of the world. Fortune Cat brought their all, showering the arena with their signature golden coins, but PhuZiqaat used a gamma ray to turn all the coins into vengeful green globs that attacked everything they could find like a kitten with a ball of yarn. It was so darn adorable that PhuZiqaat won the ground, although the alien swore the adorable emerald fluffballs were supposed to be terrifying.

The Western Conference was decided, but who would face off against PhuZiqaat for the ultimate victory? It was on to the Eastern Conference second rounds.

Match 1: Dracula vs Negato

The dark met in this final, and no one could actually see what happened. There was a lot of sneaking and some cloak tossing and lots of disappearing in and out of the shadows. At one point the entire arena went dark, and when the lights came back, Negato stood in the centre of the ring. Dracula was nowhere to be found.

Match 2: Dogcat vs Puss for Progress

Puss for Progress came to the ring armed with logic, reason, and being on the right side of history. With a cause to champion and a fire in their eyes, it seemed like nothing could stop them! Then Dogcat looked at Puss for Progress. With those big eyes. And that sweet smile. And that heart-melting tail-wagging unquestioning devotion… Dogcat swept it.

Eastern Conference Final: Negato vs Dogcat

And so, the dark ninja and the sweet animal hybrid met in the ring for the Eastern Conference final. The audience was on the edge of their seat, terrified how this sweet red rover would fare against the ruthless and calculating Negato. The black ninja made an offer. “Surrender now and I will spare you.” Dogcat looked at Negato. With those big eyes. And that sweet smile. And that heart-melting tail-wagging unquestioning devotion… Dogcat swept it again.

And so, the final match of the game would begin. PhuZiqaat and the alien hordes against the bright sunny tongue-lagging smile of Dogcat. Who would win? Could Dogcat save our planet?

Final Match: PhuZiqaat vs Dogcat

The match began with a show of strength from each contender. PhuZiqaat zipped around the arena, creating green fuzzlings out of cups and hotdogs, ignoring the crowd’s delight while shouting about conquering the nation. Dogcat showed amazing skills in fetching, staying, and playing dead.

Finally, the contenders met in the middle of the arena. Dogcat looked at PhuZiqaat. With those big eyes. And that sweet smile. And that heart-melting tail-wagging unquestioning devotion… and PhuZiqaat demanded to know Dogcat’s plans for electoral reform in the wake of sweeping demands for proportional representation across the world. Dogcat was floored! But the sweet canine critter didn’t give up so easily.

Dogcat asked the simplest question of all. “Do you love me?” And ultimately — if you can believe it! — PhuZiqaat surrendered to that adorable face. Dogcat took the match! And saved the Earth, once again.

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