Couple Who Chase Themselves in the Park Actually Sad Miserable Fuckers

A couple who giggle with joy as they chase each other in the garden like a pack of rats are secretly very unhappy individuals who despise each other, it has emerged.

Couple, Tom and Nikki, have revealed that they make a weekly trip to the nearby park to publicly demonstrate what a strong and loving relationship they share.

“It doesn’t matter that I think she’s a rancid little witch, when we’re out in public she’s my ray of sunshine.” Said Tom

Nikki said: “Of course Tom is a lazy bastard who needs to lose some weight, but in front of my mum and dad he’s my hunky hero who performs as expected in bed. How do I tell my eighty-year-old parents that the very sight of my husband makes me let out the kind of screeching sound a cat makes when you step on its tail?”

Park goers confirmed that Tom and Nikki can be spotted on Saturday afternoons lovingly gazing into each other’s eyes or playing some sick diabolical game of catch.

Onlooker, Mabel said: “I thought they had a rather solid relationship but last week they shared a kiss and it looked like they might both throw up.”

Ice cream vendor, Steve said: “I watched them share a sundae with two straws in it, which was rather romantic except I heard her tell him ‘Well don’t slurp down all the ice-cream you fat cunt’

Nikki said: “Of course I’d divorce the shameless fool and make away with half his money if he made so much as thirty fucking pounds a month at that toy factory he works at or whatever the fuck it is he does with his time. Oh Christ, what if I get pregnant? What if the baby looks like him?”

After they had concluded falling over each other in the grass and laughing, Tom said: “Nikki is a despicable troll who thinks I am a spineless whiny excuse for a man. Tomorrow we’re going to have a picnic under the stars where I will tell her how beautiful she looks in the moonlight.”